Abstract Silhouette Praying

We all know about mental health, we all know at least one person who has a mental health issue. I would like to talk about something very close to me and that is depression. Which everyone knows is one of the most common mental health problems.

My Story

Two years ago I was diagnosed with depression and was put on medication after a very serious incident.

At first I didn’t take my medication seriously because I only took it when things weren’t okay and when I actually felt upset.  Now, I’ve been taking them every day for the last 10-11 months. I do admit I might have missed one or two pills in a month but I try to take them consistently.

I don’t tell many people about my issues with depression because I personally find it embarrassing that I’m very emotional and have random mood swings which leads me to be clueless.

When I do tell people (I’ve only told about 3-4 people who are close to me) that I have depression, they don’t believe me because I’m constantly smiling and I’m such a positive person.  This is where I can explain depression and try to make people understand what I am personally going through.

How is having depression different than being sad?

Depression is very different then being sad because you are constantly emotionless and very vulnerable.

Being sad is when you have a reason to be depressed and you have a reason why you are crying (i.e boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with you, being betrayed etc)

Depression is constant, you can’t change your emotions as you can only hide how you feel for so long, you can only fake a smile for so long. Depression can make you cry for reasons you can’t explain. A person once told me the richest man, who has everything can be depressed and he couldn’t even tell you why he is.

I find that my depression causes me to have high highs and lower lows. When I am happy it only lasts for so long. When I am happy it feels like fireworks are exploding over my head, the world makes sense and I think this world is beautiful and I’m meant to be here.
But when I have my lows, I see everything in the colour grey. I don’t know what to do with myself. All I know is how to hide and how to cry, and most of all I don’t have motivation why I should try harder to become a better person.

Lately, I find it hard to show any emotion other than sad, angry and fake. I’m constantly losing people because of my mood swings and emotions. Depression has made me a less of a person because I have forgotten how to live my life like I used to and it has made me forget how to smile or laugh. Depression has made it harder for me to communicate and has made me nervous to talk to people.

How depression can ruin a relationship if your partner doesn’t understand

Like I said previously, I’ve been having many issues lately due to my depression. I’m losing everyone because no one understands how it feels to be clueless when it comes to their own emotions. I’m not saying they can’t relate to what I’m going through, but they just don’t understand how it makes feel. My mom constantly ask how I am all the time because she is a caring, loving mother who wants to understand my feelings. I usually tell her that I’m “fine” or that I am “okay” but truly I feel empty.

I can’t explain the emotion I have because I can’t relate it to any kind of emotion if that makes any sense… When I do tell her I feel blank or empty she usually ask me what it means but truly there isn’t any word besides those two that can explain this emotion.

It’s truly difficult to deal with.

Written by Christina H

Christina is back in Toronto pursuing her dreams of writing. She loves exploring around Ontario and has found that Toronto is what captures her spirit.

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