With every woman I have talked to over the past few weeks, I’ve discovered that this is the burning question all women are asking when their ex-husband chooses a new life over them and the family they created together.
Why Doesn’t He Want Me and Our Family Unit?Every married woman who has ever been deceived.
This is the question that brings me much anxiety. That burning question caused me to drink and numb myself, which in time turned into anger. That burning question gives me pain in my arms and severe heartache each and every time I think about it.
My therapist and I discussed this in an emergency session on Friday. I said I was going to let go but in order to let go, I needed to figure out why that burning question hurts so very much. When she asked what I thought, I kept putting the reason back on to me and blaming myself. I was too fat, too pushy right now, too needy, he never loved me…I was too much.
She suggested doing what I do best, which is write about it BUT instead of looking at me, look at his reasons. After much thought, I think the answer comes in tiers based on the duration of the last seven months.
Your answers may be entirely different than mine.
The Reveal – November to February
- He was numb that I found out each and every dirty detail of his second life.
- He threw in the towel believing that I was going to leave.
- He was still addicted to pot and would numb himself to avoid the conflict. His emotional age and how to deal with situations stopped when he started self soothing his emotions.
- He believed that I would stay. He let me leave.
Leaving My Ex- February to April
- He didn’t honour the vows “In Sickness and in Health.” He believed that with him having Crohn’s, he was sicker than I was because mental illness often gets swept under the rug. I was driving myself insane in Ottawa and he felt it was inconsequential. He lives off his EGO.
- His new job was more important than my health and our 30-year relationship. Even though this new position paid less than his job in Cambridge, it was the senior management position that kept him there. He lives off his EGO.
- He couldn’t grasp why I couldn’t return to Ottawa and told me he wasn’t coming here. I told him we could go anywhere BUT Ottawa. He felt it was my responsibility to return and none of his responsibility to meet me half way. Again, EGO playing a huge role.
- I offered to pay for an EMS Weekend with Affair Recovery. I had been following these videos since November. It would have cost about $5-6k but I felt that we could work this out with proper therapy and guidance. I sent him the information and he never responded. I believe that his work recovering from addiction strongly influenced his ability to make a decision about us.
Realization it’s Over – April to July
- He’s no longer on drugs, but now EGO has taken over. He’s still trying to wade through his own personal demons, but he doesn’t want me or his family along for the ride. Shame? Guilt? Fear of trying to right his wrongs? Maybe wants to start a new life alone or with someone else? You can run to a new city, but you can never run from yourself or your past.
- I believe he enjoys much younger women. I don’t think he likes women his age, or two years younger like myself. He had a “friend” who was 28 and shared it with my kid so it had to be significant. In the past, I noticed he loved talking to girls in their 20’s and his Instagram clearly shows that he enjoys 20-something girls with olive skin and black hair. Happens to a lot of old men his age. EGO again. Hey, a sugar daddy it is!
- I believe he’s had enough of me asking why and begging to put this family back together. He believes he deserves his happiness, and maintaining a family unit isn’t in the cards for him anymore. The whole fiasco was his fault and his wife laid out the red carpet to try. Unfortunately for him, he’s really disappointed and lost the respect from people who should matter the most in his life. He doesn’t see it cause it’s all about him. Again, living off EGO.
- Since he’s been so messed up for many years, he told a friend “I love her as a friend, but not as a wife.” Whatever that means. Probably the sex part, not sure. Maybe he never did love me and was hiding that fact within. How do you figure that one out in the cusp of recovery?
It’s the good old EGO taking over and one has to realize that as a wife, you are a friend. A best friend. I think it’s another 40-something excuse to run away rather than work on it. Cowardly way to approach life.
I have talked to several older men who left their first marriage and here’s what most say. They would give anything to have their first wife back. Why? Because that’s where the love and family unit began. A wife isn’t just a woman, they are home.
So for him, eventually, the 40-something EGO will stay or the 40-something EGO will go. It’ll be his regret or his gain with a hunny bunny 20-years his junior. Who knows.
- His job brings him the most self-satisfaction right now. So for the next 15 years he’ll have that at least.
- He’s a loner. He enjoys being alone because many people have said to me that he loves Ottawa. If he was traumatized as myself over this breakup or recovering wholeheartedly, he wouldn’t know what Ottawa has to offer in the line of “fun” and “happiness”. He’s not as sad or lonesome as I am because I haven’t been anywhere since February. I can’t say “I Love Kitchener with zest and excitement.” Maybe I’m just weird and mourning the wrong way. Maybe I should be taking Kitchener by storm.
He’s living our future plans that I was so excited to venture into. I am in a sweltering apartment where I can’t sleep, he’s in the perfect condo downtown Ottawa. EGO in play big time. Good job asshole.
EGO is a mean beast that can steer our lives down a very selfish path. EGO doesn’t see who they are hurting as long as it is getting what it needs.
But I’m moving forward. These are strictly assumptions based on his attitude and history, but I can see very clearly why he wants what he wants. It’s all about him and his EGO. It has very little or nothing to do with me.
As sad as it is, my family and myself has to live with that fact, and just let the pain in my arms and heart subside to a dull ache once the scars has formed. God, I hope those scars form quickly.