I believe that the Corona Virus quarantine is teaching us to take advantage of time and find the true meaning of our life. As Mother Nature heals itself from years of abuse, so are many others who want to take this time of isolation to improve who they are. Heal themselves. Last week’s meltdown was purely selfish. This week’s meltdown made me question something very important. Will I ever love again? At this time, I’ve be anti-social to any prospective suitors or dating sites. I’m tired of the pompousness and lies. I asked myself though, am I the one who’s pompous and do I need a reality check? Will I ever love again with this untrusting and judgemental attitude? Stay with me.
We all want what we want in a partner. Myself, I have no clue what I want, but I do know that within the first five minutes if they don’t ask anything about me, they are out. If they degrade their ex for longer than their story, I’m out. If they want to show their weenie, I’m out. If they are married, I’m SO out, because they are dogs.
I guess that was a little side bar as to why I question whether I’ll fall in love again. That said, after much thought, I realized that I do love and I love a lot. I may not have a partner to love, but I have the following.
My Parents and Brother
My parents has been there for me financially and emotionally since my breakup. They have dealt with my weekly meltdowns, my somber moods, and my .45 cents in my bank account meltdown on a monthly basis. They have been the best and perhaps, I’ve been the worst because living in close quarters has been really tough.
I told my brother not to treat me any differently than he did in the past. I find it hypocritical to be there in bad times, when all we did before was see each other on holidays and the occasional drop-in.
My brother and I have never had a fight in our lives and we have a great relationship. We just didn’t dote on one another. However, when my car broke down this winter, he drove me to school every morning, made me breakfast, and stayed at work until I was finished school. I think that was pretty awesome. His door was and is always open when I am travelling from London to Cambridge. On top of that, his girlfriend made sure that the mechanic was paid in full.
I’m so in love with these people.
My kids have always been my life. I will always love them more than life itself. However, I’ve come to realize that they came as a package called a family. I haven’t been very communicative to them and they haven’t to me. Our family is broken. I have a hard time adjusting to this new dynamic and I’m sure they have a hard time seeing their mother’s breakdowns. So they shut down and I can understand that. I am so in love with them and their significant others. I hope in time we can create a new dynamic. Right now, it’s still a tough path and most of it is me. I’m much more comfortable alone, even though I’d love a “Hey, how are you?” from time to time.
These people! These people are the wing beneath my wings. Imagine this.
A friend tests your car and says, “You’re not driving this.” I explain I don’t have the money to fix it, They go out and get the brakes, rotors and callipers for your car. They also do the full repair. I keep asking them how much I owe them so I can borrow the money from my parents. They shrug and change the subject knowing that I hate owing people.
A friend takes you out to a concert with the expectations that you’ll pay them for the ticket. You get a free hotel for the night. They also pay for dinner!! Again, I said, I need to pay you. The response is we’ll figure it out in time.
A childhood friend saw my pink coat on Facebook, and thought how lovely a pink scarf would be. She handmade the scarf, tracked down my address and sent it to me with the most lovely card with the most encouraging words!! Seriously!! That’s something else.
A friend takes you out one night. You have some money, but they say it’s on them knowing that I’m just scraping by. Again, I insist on paying and I manage to pay for the Uber drives.
A friend and her husband gives you a couple of hour work. You are so grateful and happy as this is the first work opportunity in over a 18 months. You go in, work, and he takes your car for a drive. He calls his wife and says there is no way you’re driving that car until it’s fixed. He asks his wife to pick up the part and bring it to us. He fixes this only to find out the other strut is broken too! His wife and I go and get the other strut. He fixes that on his time on a Saturday night. This time I really wanted to get the money from my parents to pay them as it was a whopping $600 and his time. Nope, it’ll get paid in time. And then he pays me for my hours work. Seriously??? That’s something else.
A group of separated ladies going through their own personal hell, checks in on each other everyday. When I have a meltdown, they listen from beginning to end. I do the same for them.
I mean, who has friends like this? Blessed people, that’s who!!
All of these people and my classmates at Fanshawe , during the COVID virus, are trying their utmost to find the path that will get me some money as I’m in an extreme predicament that causes me a lot of anxiety. Most have seen my extensive resume list since February 2019 and know that I’ve felt demoralized where my ego has taken a severe hit. I even applied for jobs at grocery stores during this epidemic. No calls. The woman who always solved my family’s financial problems and made a house a home, is now broke. It’s a HUGE kick to the heart and the ego. However, it’s a huge lesson in life. Like this isolation business we’re tackling, people, not things. Money is just a means to live. People is a means to love.
My friends call or reach out daily to see how my mental health is. Most hear about my bi-weekly therapy sessions from beginning to end. They know my heart, my soul and every feel that I feel.
I’m so encouraged and motivated when they praise my efforts at school. My friends and my young classmates recognize that I’m trying so hard to go above and beyond “A wedding photographer that’ll just take cash and put it in their pocket.” School has been another source of positivity, that is, until we went on COVID lockdown. But I kept on going.
I am so in love with my life long friends and many friends I’ve met along the way. For years, I’ve been the entertainer, the “Dear Abby”, the “how can I help you?”, the lover, the honest one, the “Let me put it to you straight” friend. I’ve never deviated from the person I am ever. They know I will never judge them because I’ve invited them into my life with love and 100% dedication to them. I did this for my family and I do this for my friends.
Their generosity will never go unpaid. I’m not a mooch and I will give back monetarily and in so many ways. I am in love with each and every one of these people I spoke about. Yes, I’m in love with so many people in my life.
Everyday is a New Beginning
I have realized with the Corona Virus, that I was meant to be on a ride with many mountains to conquer. I go up, then I go down. I get challenged, then I get disappointed. This has never happened before in my whole life. Life was simple, fun, and happy.
Today, I have peeps stalking my Instagram. One has a deleted account that they activate to get the “goods” on me. I have two on my Instagram who are questionable at best. Does it bother me? Ya, kind of because they don’t know me and my experiences. A lot of my posts have a lot to do what’s happening in the here and now. That said, I document everything and since I’m friends with all those who I’ve met, they know when something is about them. Let them judge and laugh. It’s OK.
Life is OK even though it’s a travesty. I’m hoping school will continue this Summer, but if it doesn’t, I’m planning on a whopper adventure throughout Ontario. Hopefully, things will start rolling when the high temperatures come. Now, I have to go back to a dude I’ve known for fifteen years, who wants to show me his weenie, and tell him no for the 10th time this week LOL. Friends buddy, that’s all we are.
Keep Safe. Stay home. Love the ones you’re with and listen to these tunes I’ve put on this post. Get Happy!