I am so in love with this song “Your Mama” by High Valley. I’d love for you to give it a listen. Now, my Mama is a pretty sassy, saucy, and opinionated. Cross Mama’s path and she’ll eat you alive. That’s always been her strongest character trait that many may have seen as a weakness.
It took a long time for me to confess why my marriage failed to her. I knew that by telling her it was me accepting that it was over. I can’t explain it, but the sunny August day that I told her was the day I cut the ties and started thinking of me. Why? I realized that there are few people in this World who will stand behind you quite like your Mother will. Once I told her Mama Bear came out.
Over the course of the next few months, I learned so much about my mother, her past and my own past. I have a greater appreciation for her and her personality flaws as I was growing up.
For the Love of Mama’s
Sadly, I am thinking of myself as the Mother I was and the Mother I am today. Their Mama. Just as I had to learn some awful truths through my conversations with my Mother, they had to experience much the same. They had to experience the helicopter Mom landing and not really caring as much anymore. Letting them live their lives, while I silently grieved or vented due to anxiety attacks.
It makes me sad to think that I haven’t been able to get excited for them as I used to. It makes me sad that I’m so sad when they are around me. It makes me sad that I can no longer say “Come sit at the table because we need to discuss this as a family and we’re gonna hash it out.” No, because certain conversations are taboo now. Taboo is something I do NOT do well.
So what do I do? I just stay away, play a very distant second or third, and let them live their lives. I want to celebrate their victories and listen to their unhappy moments when they come to surface. I’m not really Mama anymore and that makes me sad, ashamed and a failure.
All I can say is:
Dear Kids,
Once day I hope to become that happy mother again. However, with the research I’m doing, I do not think she’ll ever reappear. I made plenty of mistakes in my life as a parent and I have always addressed them and asked for forgiveness if I feel that I’ve failed you.
Nothing was taboo with me when you needed me, but that all changed when I became the betrayed. Since discussing life as a family of three, and the tragedy at made it that way, is so taboo now, I don’t think I can share intimate details of my life for the time being. That saddens me because I never held back before.
I love you guys with every fibre of my being. I hope that you’ve learned how to treat people well, be honest, and learn that hearts are NOT made to be broken because you saw the heart of “Your mama’s” shred to smithereens.
I hope you can forgive me for the distance. It’s the taboo part I need to deal with to prevent you from getting anxious or upset with me. Even Mama’s fall apart. Remember that when you become parents. We are only human.
To be honest, I give thanks to my therapist who is helping me through this. I hope that one day, I can be an even better parent and grand-parent. Right now, the family I built and the “home” that came tumbling down consumes my thoughts even a year later. And that’s….OK. Healing takes time and I hope you have learned that too.
Love,
Mom
XO
I really can’t wait for my therapist appointment tomorrow.
