What if the love you’re holding on to… isn’t love at all?
In my latest episode of Life’s A Blog, I open up about a painful truth. Many of us live through it but rarely talk about it. This one is deeply personal. It’s about coercive control and conditional love. It delves into addiction and what it takes to finally let go of someone. That someone never really had a choice.
This episode is called When Control Looks Like Love. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where love felt like pressure, this one will speak to you. It will also resonate if you grew up chasing approval that never quite came.
Listen to the episode: When Control Looks Like Love
Now streaming on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all major platforms.
A road trip that revealed more than I expected
A few weeks ago, I took a road trip. Not to run from anything, but to reconnect. To heal. To find something I didn’t know I was looking for.
On that trip, I ended up having conversations with people who knew my parents well. I brought up things I had been told about them. Things I wasn’t sure I believed. I also talked about my brother.
For those who don’t know, my brother died of a drug overdose at 36. That was my first real encounter with addiction. And grief that doesn’t go away.
He was talented. Brilliant, actually. The best at hockey. The best in school. The one everyone pinned their hopes on. And in return, he carried a weight most people never saw.
When I asked about him, someone gently said, “They were very hard on your brother.”
And in that moment, something clicked.
Understanding coercive control
That’s when I started to see how control can take many forms. Not just in relationships. But in families. In childhood. In the way we learn to love.
Coercive control is a type of emotional abuse. It’s when someone uses guilt, silence, power, or pressure to influence another person. It doesn’t always look loud or violent. Sometimes it looks like a parent expecting you to be perfect. Or a partner withholding love to keep control.
It can sound like:
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
“If you’d just do this, everything would be fine.”
“Don’t ruin this for everyone.”
It lives in homes. It lives in relationships. And it can live inside of us until we finally name it.
An Unusual Ending of a Relationship
My ex recently went back to his ex-wife. From the outside, it might look like closure. Or reconciliation. But I saw it for what it was. A return to control.
She was the gatekeeper to his children. To his family. To his acceptance. And so, he made a choice.
He told me he wanted to be with me. But over time, I came to understand something bigger.
He didn’t know any other way.
Like my brother, he had spent most of his life trying to earn love. Trying to impress. Trying to belong. Someone holds the keys to your family, your identity, and your children. How do you say no to that?
He chose her. But not for love. He chose her because it was the only way to be seen again by the people who once walked away.
Breaking the cycle means telling the truth
I’ve done the work. And I’m still doing it. But what I know now is this:
Coercive control doesn’t start with lovers. It starts with how we were taught to love.
It starts with pressure. With silence. With approval that only shows up when you’re performing.
And breaking that cycle? It begins with calling it what it is.
In this episode, I talk about
- The road trip that helped me understand my parents and my brother
- How pressure shaped my brother’s life and his silence
- The moment I realized my ex’s love was rooted in survival, not freedom
- What coercive control looks like in families and relationships
- Why it’s not your job to save someone from the life they’ve accepted
- How we start again by letting go
If you’ve ever felt this
If you’ve ever tried to earn someone’s love…
If you’ve ever confused control with connection…
If you’ve ever loved someone who couldn’t choose you because choosing you meant losing everything else…
This episode is for you.
Listen now
Episode title: When Control Looks Like Love
Available on: Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio
Follow: @LifeABlogCA on Instagram and Facebook
You’re not alone. Your healing matters. And your story deserves to be heard.
