Since the beginning, his ex-wife was always there, lurking like a shadow that would not fade. Sometimes she cried big tears, other times she attacked with venom. It was relentless. Eventually, her behaviour pushed his own family away from him exclusively.
When our first breakup finally happened, I realized what had been going on behind the scenes. He was chasing her hard, calling me horrible things to win her sympathy. But back then, he had nothing to offer. She already had someone new and just giggled at his attempts to crawl back.
Then came his diagnosis, a chronic illness. Suddenly, she was all over him again. I noticed her visits to my website, and when I mentioned it to him, silence. That told me everything. They were talking, planning, rebuilding what I thought was long gone. One day he said he wished he could take my keys to the trailer and spend Thanksgiving alone. I could feel the weight of the choice he was about to make.
And I finally woke up. He would be an idiot not to go back to her. After all, the people who had stopped talking to him would suddenly accept him again if he kept her happy. She did not want him until he was sick, and that says it all.
Someone at the trailer ask where he was closing weekend. I told them how he went back to ex after 10 years apart. Knowing about his illness, told me a story about an old man, who lived at the park for years, whose wife left him for another man. She got cancer, and that man left her. The husband who had lost half of everything in the divorce took her back. When she passed, he got it all back. A win in toxicity, I guess. While I kind of said, that was sick. She responded, “Happens all the time.” That person didn’t miss a beat.
I explained that had been down a similar road with my ex-husband. He had a hefty insurance policy, but I never played that game. His life mattered more to me than what I could gain. That is how you know when love, no matter how torn it is, is real. It is never transactional.
It is sad that some people work this way, but I am grateful to be out of it. The lesson is simple. When a relationship is meant to fail, it will. The red flags are never wrong. So at the end of the day, no matter how much I do not understand the toxicity, I thank them. I thank them for the freedom of never engaging in that kind of chaos again. I also wish them well, as I know he will live a long life, even with his condition.
A psychic told me today, “When things are not going your way, no matter how hard you try, it is the universe telling you that you are not aligned with the success it can bring.”
Ultimately, he never wanted someone who wanted to spend as much time together as we did. And today, that is okay. I realize I want someone who will pop in, drop in, hug me, kiss me, spend weekends with me, and love passionately.
So, I am listening. I have told my landlord to govern himself accordingly, packed my bags for a “I don’t know when I’ll return” solo road trip, and I cannot wait to see what clarity this quiet time will bring.
I told this new person I have been chatting with daily that before I contemplate moving forward, I need a trip. A trip to rebalance, resurface, and restructure my life. As my therapist says, I have to shed this attraction to emotionally unavailable men. If I return and feel it is not right to meet, then so be it. I can already feel that happening because I am loving my solo time.
Sometimes peace comes after the final burn.
Every song has a story, and every story has a song.
This one is about choosing yourself after years of confusion, learning to walk away from what no longer serves you, and trusting that peace always follows truth.
