I have to admit it. I have to get it all out. I don’t know if it will help me move forward, but I’m going to try and let it all out. Since November14th, something in my brain has been triggered. A very “unwell” feeling.
It’s an anger and hurt like no other. I go to bed at night and typically the last thing I do when I fall asleep is cry and ask God to make it my last sleep. I am not suicidal, but I don’t see a future. The first thing I feel in the morning is my tears streaming down my face. Dreamland is such a happy place.
When I was drinking nightly, sleep and existing was easier. Now that I’m really trying to process the healing experience, it’s so much harder. I do not feel like socializing. Heck, I’m heading to Boots and Hearts on Thursday and I really just want to be on my couch and maybe empty the dishwasher and clean my counters. That’s not me! That’s not the wonderful person I was. The Trina before was excited for everything. The Trina before embraced life and laughed…a lot.
I’m beginning to feel like like I’m the most useless excuse for a human being because I can’t find it in me to fight for me. I have said for a couple of weeks now that my head just isn’t right.
My Life Before Ottawa
My life was complete. I raised two wonderful kids. I’d make sure that holidays and meals were perfect with family all around. I’d tidy the house (I’m not the tidiest). I’d make dinner at 6pm every night and eat with my husband. I’d try new recipes because I lost weight. I’d go on my computer, take concert photos, have a drink, laugh, play the ukulele unsuccessfully, work like a fool for my clients and just love life. I loved life so much. I loved my kids, husband and my friends. My life was complete and a new adventure was starting in Ottawa. I was so excited!
If my life would have ended on August 25, 2018, I would have said that I lived my dream life and I had been blessed with love from my family. So I thought. Since then, it’s been a complete nightmare.
You also have to know that I was once a 300 pound woman who loved herself. I didn’t love being fat, but I so loved me and the person I was. I was honest, transparent, giving, and just a sweet gal. I’m no longer her. I’m sad, angry, overly transparent, no longer giving my time and not so sweet anymore. People say, “Just let it go.” Sure, take a walk with me and help me then. Help me if it’s so easy.
My Family and Friends
I have also started pushing people away. I don’t know if I’m scared to get close to anyone again, but my family and friends were my World before. They were the people I told I loved daily. Now, I don’t answer calls much of the time. I’m horrible to some people when they call me on the phone, mainly my parents. It’s like I want to shut down and just disconnect myself from everyone. I want people to know to stay away. I have no problem saying Fuck off and get out.
Well I guess the makings of this marital separation was part of God’s plan for the two of us. My plan was to marry, raise children and grow old with that very person. When my husband and I broke up 20 years ago, my words were when we reconciled. “You are the only person who will love my children as much as I do. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Even if that means I need to change drastically to make this work.” That was my plan and I changed drastically for the better. I let all my past anger behind to save my plan. Not God’s plan.
I have also found out some pretty life changing news about my past. It makes me look at my family in a whole different light. Mainly my brother who passed away. I can’t look at someone with the love I did before. All I can say, and this is another blog post, is that I’ve been disappointed and hurt once again. My whole childhood could have been drastically changed had one person spoke their truth. I wouldn’t have been so awful to them because their anger was coming from heartbreak and from no where else. And I get heartbreak now. Boy do I ever.
Now I firmly have it in my head that my plan is complete. My life is complete. My plan to live happily ever after is over. I do not want to find another one true love. I do not want to chase a new career at 46. I wanted to be with my whole family to welcome grandchildren and have turkey dinners on Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. I didn’t get that last Christmas, nor did I get that this Easter.
I don’t care what my kids do for a living, as long as they are happy in love and life. And for that reason, I now sit alone at night and think all by myself, rather than share my feelings with them.
Fuck, I can’t even get a job interview. I’m 16 weeks away from being broke and on the streets. I am this broken person who doesn’t care about nothing and is dying for that positive Trina to show her fucking face again. I don’t want to live with my parents, nor do I want to go downstairs and say I can’t afford to live here anymore!
I want my kids to live their life happily. They look at their mom now and I’m sure they are thinking that I’m nothing but a train wreck. That makes me sad but not empowered to change. My life’s plan ended. He put on the brakes. I don’t really care about God’s plan right now.
Getting it all out
This weekend I was admonished by a few friends. I did something that I’m not proud of because yes, I shouldn’t be saying things that may hurt my adult children. That’s the only reason I feel guilty about it and I’m going to try and stop all the social media posts. For the sake of the kids. I’ll just keep those thoughts in the vestibule of my overfilled filing cabinet in my head rather than let it out. As well, I shouldn’t have said anything because on a cold dark night, I could possibly face my maker in a dark alley or in the parking lot. I’m ok with that though. Sometimes, speaking your truth comes with risk.
I don’t know why I sporadically share on social media. I’ve been doing it all my life, but for the most part, they are happy posts. Life is good posts. I guess I do it when I feel the most alone. When I’m at my ultimate low (which is often), I need someone to share it with. I don’t want to be on my kid’s ass or my friend’s ass with my shit filled thoughts.
As far as I see it, I’m not a vengeful person, but I’m an honest person. I am the person who will tell it like it is, like it or not. Yesterday, I held my daughter for hours. We talked about her problems. We tore apart what she did wrong versus what she did right, until she could handle the problem head on and come out smiling. Then I hugged and kissed her until I saw a smile again.
It’s Just Me Now…and it Kills Me
There is no one to hug me who will tell me everything is going to be alright. There is no one who can sit with me and dissect what I’m feeling, doing wrong or doing right. I go to bed alone with tears and I wake up in tears. This is a brand new me and it’s the worst me I’ve seen in my life. I have no idea how to shake it out of me. The common sense, sleep when I’m dead, everything’s going to be alright Trina is gone and I’ve so tried to find her.
As far as he goes, he did what he did. He must pay his own price for what he did and face the repercussions of being married to an honest woman who is hurting beyond belief. Truthfully, he’s never reached out to try and “fix” or “repair” the damage he’s caused. Basically it’s been “You’re on your own chickie! I’m sorry for what I did, but live with it, don’t call me, I won’t call you and check on you, move on with your life BUT just don’t get me in trouble. I will also quit my job or make it very expensive for you if you come after me for support.”
Sometimes we find out 30 years too late the true feelings of someone. I feel completely abandoned by the very person who I confided in, leaned on and relied upon for the past 30 years.
I don’t know me without him. That’s not his problem and he’s not my problem. He did what he did and I will speak my truth.
Being unwell is not a good state to be in. Maybe it’s my thought process that my life’s plan is done and I’m ok should God’s plan include me leaving this Earth. Maybe it’s the meds. Maybe it’s just the healing process and one day I will read this and say “Silly girl.” Who knows? It’s what I’m going through now and I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to see what we can do about it. It’s all that I can do.
This is not a pity party by any means or a moment to seek redemption. This is real. This is life. It can happy to anyone because my dream life was destroyed.
But all that said….I’m still here. I will walk this healing path with you, if you walk it with me.