Your Choices: Light or Darkness

We all have choices. The repercussions of our choices is up to us, fate or external stimuli. This COVID quarantine is definitely ruling our choices and it’s driving me nuts.

I asked a few friends, in the same position as myself, whether this COVID Quarantine has them dumbstruck? Yes, they responded. Do you have a lot of flashbacks? Yes, they responded. Do you feel that all the progress made has been stifled? Yes, they responded.

I have to admit that I have been struggling. Nightmares from the past. Nightmares of the future. Preparing to move for the fifth time since August 2018. I’m so tired of moving, and this will not be the last one either.

Goals turn into choices and the rewards and repercussions will follow.

It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

Today, something arrived in the mail. I was in such a high spirited mood as I took my dog to get a little trim and enjoyed some social distancing with a friend. I opened the package and instead of being happy, I was stupefied, sad, and mournful. This package works to my benefit. If I was vengeful, my yearning to laugh and celebrate could have come into play. No…..how did it all come down to this? My mother was yapping away and all I could do was grab the envelope and leave the apartment. I left her in awe.

I had to find a bit of resolved as I stared at these documents. It was based on choices. Before unnecessary guilt reared its ugly head, I convinced my brain that it was the choices, that I didn’t make, that caused this aggressive finality. We all have choices and while we reap rewards, there are also repercussions.

So I like a zombie, I proceeded to the bank and called my representative to book an appointment. “Better sooner than later. Let’s close this thing tight.” I responded.

I’m not going to lie, I feel like crying and crying and crying. But I won’t. I won’t allow anymore tears to fall unless absolutely necessary. I ask no questions and I don’t care how people are doing if they aren’t an active part in my life. I leave better off alone to enjoy their lives based on their choices. After all, we all deserve to live. How we live is up to our choices. I wanted to be ” the one”, but choices showed that I wasn’t. That’s sad, but that’s it. I have to worry about my life, my goals, and my future. Without trust, these papers must be signed, sealed and delivered no matter how much I want to cry over them.

My Choices

My Future

I have had a lot of bumps, more like mountains, on this road I’m on. If you want to know what they are, go to my section on Divorce as I no longer want to rehash them. I am so disappointed that I’m not in school right now. However, I am happy we were able to finish the first semester, which I achieved a 3.72 GPA – .2 points from honour roll. I am so proud of myself and I intend to complete this two year program in spite of the COVID delays. My life, my choices, my future.

My Creative Design course was tough. I was running a 60 average most of the semester. Until I decided to really understand my professor. I left the course with one of the highest marks for my self-portrait and an 83 percent.

My Self Portrait had to have meaning. Most of my initial photos we absolutely standard, boring, lifeless. I am lifeless right now, but trying. So I thought, what if? What if I showed me in my full form. Overweight, stretch marks, tired, dead, yet determined to move forward. The colours defining my stretch marks is a definition of all that I gave in my life. Gave to family, love, and commitment. I tried going without a bra but NO WAY! The leather jacket represents me moving forward with unobstructed determination. The look in my eyes says it all. I’m done with the past, tired of what’s happening now, yet I’m moving forward. Once I have advanced photoshop skills I intend to work on this photo more and blow it up. This is me. Alive. Something I never imagined I would be right now.

I am a woman recreated; Proud of who I am. Inside and Out.

Boarding with my Parents

Living with my parents is a blessing and a commitment. I’ve made the commitment to stay with them so I can finish school. This was my dream for a very long time. Here’s a video from July 18th, 2018. I was so fucking positive and my dream was in there too. Someone said to me, I’ll be that wedding photographer who takes cash for payment. Redneck thinking. I’ll posting those wedding pictures on my website, advertising my expertise, and making LOADS of money on my own. Because that’s what smart people do. I doubt I’ll be a wedding photographer though. I have my vision very clearly defined right now what kind of a photographer I want to be.

Living with my parents is tough. It’s not a very positive environment and it drains me. I miss the coffee shop. I miss my friends. I miss my own home. I miss my alone time. I will have a basement to myself at the new house, but I still have to cook and shower upstairs. I do not intend on being the primary caregiver to my parents. As mean as that sounds, I lived a thousand lives in a year. I deserve to have everything I deserve in life going forward. If my family was in tact and things were like they were before, absolutely. Not anymore. That said, because of COVID, my graduation could be postponed until last 2021 or early 2022. That’s ok. I’m taken care of.

Travelling the World

If school doesn’t continue this Summer, my intentions is to travel. I’ve been in communication with a lady from Rome, Italy. If and when things start moving and opening, I intend on doing a month’s stay in Rome. Kind of like an Eat, Pray, Love experience but without India or the Medicine Man.

I giggle because I’ve currently lost all belief in psychics, spirituality and the power of positive thinking. No one saw my life as it was when I was unaware of it. Maybe one person who did my numerology. Maybe…. I was always positive, but external stimuli threw a wrench in to that.

The Medicine Man told Elizabeth Gilbert she’d have two great loves. One long and one short. Her husband was the short one. The guy in the movie was the long one. In the past few years, she left that guy to spend the last days with her friend (girl) who ended up being the greatest love of her life. Things change. No one can tell you your future. Your choices or the choices of others can greatly change your future.

Back to Travel. If that doesn’t happen, my dog and I shall travel with a cooler, tent and Coleman. I’ve got invites from all across Ontario and the West. I’ve got amazing friends who have supported me. I have one that will come to Ottawa with me to close that chapter, since I flew out of there, like Cruella De Ville, on February 17, 2018. Either way, I’m looking forward to it.

Finality

With the choices made, there is nothing to undo. All that’s left is the red curtain to fall and the lights to go out. I’ve printed out my blog. All 1423 pages. I’ve read most of the posts. I laughed and reminisced about all the things I’ve written about blogging, love, family and life. It’ll be a big box to bring with me on the day of reckoning. This website has been my refuge for many years to decompress.

It didn’t have to be this way. I tried. Boy, did I try. I tried harder than most deserved. I wish I had someone like myself who would try for me. I’m proud I tried. I’m proud I cried.

I’m not proud that I treated certain people badly when I’m down and untrusting. I’m not proud that I have a lot of making up to do because of it. I’m proud that they have forgiven me knowing that I could break again at any time. I’m proud that I am me in spite of everything.

I’m loving. I’m enough. I’m deserved. No matter who doesn’t choose me, I choose me every day no matter what the rewards and repercussions are.
Trina Stewart