Have you had a girlfriend or boyfriend who would say to you, “I don’t know why my partner’s ex texts him so often?” or “My Mother is sweet and kind, but once she rails you in, she becomes mean and bitter?” I think we’ve all experienced this a time or two. Maybe we’ve done it ourselves in the past. I do know that for the first six months after my separation, which I call my “Bat Shit Crazy Period” was filled with Narcissistic Hoovering on my part. Until I respected myself to be better and know my value in my World, rather than his.
Hoovering is a type of emotional abuse or emotional blackmail. Hoovering is done by a “narcissistic person” when they think the victim or the person who they abuse or control is seeking to move away.medicinenet.com
I have to say that I’ve met the BEST in Narcissistic Hoovering and I’m at the point of my life and happiness that I’m wondering if I want to be part of it for the remainder of my life. During the initial year of my separation, I caused drama. Now, I hate drama in any form. During my separation, I was angry, hurt and sad. Now, I just want happiness, peace and smiles. Why the big transition? Because I’ve learned that I’m a person of value and I deserve the best life, with the best people in it.
2019 and Tinder
After my separation, I was put on Tinder by my daughter where I met a funny guy who I could talk to for hours on the phone. We finally agreed to meet. We went out for cheese fondue and I stayed the night (GASP!). For about two months, we spent every night together. He put up with my new separation anxiety, and there wasn’t really anything about him that I had to put up with. It was agreed that this was a friends with benefit thing and I couldn’t have been happier because that’s all that I needed at the time.
Cruising into our third month of our “togetherness,” he told me about a wedding he had to go to with his ex and kids. I was like “hmmm, odd but respectable.” He had been separated four years at that time and, if I knew then what I know now, most separated couples usually don’t reunite for a wedding.
A few days later, he revealed that his ex asked him if they were going to get “intimate” before the wedding. Again, I was like odd, but ok, I’m totally supporting this guy. If he truly wants to get back with his family again, that’s a fine man. I’m ready to suck up the friends with benefit for his family’s benefit. Hindsight is 20/20, it doesn’t happen like that, but I was naive since I only really dated one man in my life and stuck with him for 31 years.
Hoovering 101: Woman disappears, doesn’t call, maybe texts (I don’t know), never visits in two months. She was seeing Instagram stories of me since I HAPPENED to be friends with this guy’s first cousin and didn’t realize it. So, she love bombs to get him back. Hoovering at its finest, and she did a really good job because he did get “intimate” with her.
Zero interest; I Just Want to Control You
I stayed friends with this guy during my photography school days. I’d go over for a visit, nothing would happen aside from good talk and a lot of booze. I was probably at my worst, but I was fighting to survive and thrive. He’d often say “You’re only four months out of the marriage. There’s so much more to come with it.” He didn’t know. He only had an iron clad separation agreement administered by his ex. No court dates. What was he talking about? That I’d be like him and succumb to the pressures of being with my “husband” out of duty? There was no way I’d be boinking my ex ever again. Separated means split up, over, done, legally apart. Some people get back together after therapy, but that should happen in the first few months of separating.
Anyway, she’d come over on Friday nights, he’d start preparing food Thursday, so I’d probably visit on a Wednesday or Saturday. Saturday’s were always early visits. She’d arrive at 6pm Friday and leave at the crack of stupid, 8 or 9 on Saturday morning. He’d call. He hated being alone. He expressed that to me often.
I asked one day if that’s all it took to work on rebuilding a marriage because it seems very odd and controlling, rather than a loving attempt. I ask whether they were concerned on how they were teaching their kids on what love truly is? Obviously, spending the night and the weekend, or a full day together doing productive stuff would show effort, no? They are teens, it doesn’t take a wise man to see that this situation was basically a dine, screw and dash. It looked like control on both sides.
His response was that he lives alone, she lives alone and they don’t think they’ll ever move in together again. I was like, ok bizarre, but ok.
Living The “Hoover” Life
After some time, she was bumping up the control. He was very honest about my visits and would say I that I stopped in. I made him, otherwise, I wouldn’t show up. She didn’t like it, I respected that because I wouldn’t either.
That said, she never “popped” in with dinner on a random night like a “married” woman trying to fix a broken relationship would do, he spent his 50th alone which I brought him a cupcake, she never called before 10PM on the dot and nor was he allowed to call before that time either. There was notes on the fridge of things he could and couldn’t do or say. I’d ask him, are you sure she isn’t seeing someone and keeping you on a string? No, he’d say, she will never meet another guy. Ok, bizarre, but ok, this guy is really into himself.
It was becoming irritating to watch and, it was at that time I was even MORE thankful that I distanced myself from my ex cause this was a shit show. I was also thankful that my ex wasn’t like this either.
Then we disconnected as he wanted to give his marriage a serious go at it. We didn’t talk for about a year, and I was learning more and more about myself. I wished him well.
Well, low and behold, it didn’t work out again. He called after many weeks of being apart from her, and I cautiously walked back into his life.
She felt that I was the culprit who “ruined her marriage” after 4 years of separation, prior to ever knowing me. So much so that his family doesn’t talk to him (which I’ve met one) AND my best friend of 20 years was led to believe that I split them up. I tried to get my friend to understand her logic. Many ex’s sleep together for whatever reason, but sleeping together isn’t a marriage, it’s a means to an end because once someone who shows value and interest in either person, they will want that type of relationship over sexy nights. Sleeping with your ex is either out of safety, sexual needs or control. Maybe all three.
Note: I did not break up any marriage. The marriage was over well before my account on Tinder was confirmed.
The Final Straw
We’ve been together for about a year and a half now. She hasn’t stopped texting. She filed for divorce but told him she was “forced to” and it brought her to tears. She then brought up “we need to be friends for the one child.” WTH, she never did that with the other child when he was struggling? Then the final one, “Thanks for the leftovers” with a picture of the food on her desk. All in a matter of weeks.
Side note: I’m sure that my son has given food that I sent home, for his family, to my ex, but never have I ever received such an odd random text like that. Why? My ex doesn’t hoover.
So my final straw was to write and call her to say “Please, I’m trying to work on things with him, so leave him alone. You don’t want him, I do. You just want control of him in some nutty way.” I said a lot more than that because I had enough. It’s been a year and a half together, and I was still dealing with a marriage that ended 8 years ago.
I was blocked. What does she do next? Texts him again, and says thanks for not getting involved. Hoovering, it has to be absolutely fatiguing because it sure is fatiguing to witness.
As for myself, I’m writing this to decide whether to stay or go. Sometimes, it takes two Hoovers to clean the place out and I’m a Dyson girl. I’m a person of value, not a special at Canadian Tire. I just feel sorry that control really takes over people in a mean way. Just be nice, live your best life and move on. Know when it’s over. Everyone, give your heads a shake.
All I know it stops, or I go. I deserve more. It’s taken four years of hard work on myself to see that.