I had an interesting 48 hours. I didn’t write because I’ve been deep in thought. I put a lot of thought into everything but lately I’ve been second guessing everything. This includes letting go and moving on. I keep holding on to the dream that all will return to normal. However, it wasn’t normal. It was also a dream I was living until the nightmare appeared before me.
Yesterday, a conversation happened between myself and my ex-husband. It was absolutely eye opening. In spite of my Psycho Trina spells, the increase amount of drinking, the sadness and tears, I’m doing alright.
But I’m standing in my own way to achieving the success and happiness that I deserve. I’m smarter than this!
How I’ve Grown Since My Separation
- I’ve been frugal financially and have given myself the opportunity to heal through therapy, deep thought, and time to learn about myself. I think the sale of the house was a gift to me. A gift to allow me to really grow rather than fail in a desperate panic to survive financially.
I think financially it could have worked both ways. Had we stayed together, it would have been for assisting us to grow together and create a new life away that would have allowed us to dispose of that ridiculously low paying promotion of his and to assist in his recovery. However, this is the way the universe assisted me.
- I made the right choice. Testing his devotion to me by leaving showed me that it’s been a one-sided relationship for far too long. I left the door wide open for him. However, he only calls when convenient for him. He only reaches out when convenient. Sad reality, but a reality all the same.
I am so blessed! I have family and friends who call me every day to check up. How wonderful is that??
I have a really nice new friend who has been there for me and tolerates my crazy side because, deep down, there’s a pretty awesome, giving and amazing woman inside. That person calls daily and nightly and says “Hey, how is your day going? What have you done today?” I can’t wait to meet even more people who want to be with me rather than ignore me, until it’s convenient for them.
- I’ve been introspective. I have dug deep, cried many hours, had my crazy ass moments and spent many nights awake (all night) for the sake of letting go and finding myself. I started writing and it has all come together for me. I had to go through that to get to here.
- I’ve been liberated. Yes, I have. Even though I’ve been kicking and screaming say NOOOOOO for so long, I’ve been on the road to liberation without knowing it. To be the person I’m supposed to be. What that is, I have no clue, but it’s coming.
- I’m a fucking awesome person. Even though I’m going through hell, I always pause and ask how other people are doing in their lives. I’m caring, I’m always ready to listen, I’m stubborn, and I’m me. This transition can only get better and better because I see the goodness inside of me again.
- None of this was my fault. Sure, during the aftermath I’ve done and said some pretty outlandish things. Some people may be horrified that I’m writing about this, but they never really took the time to get to know me. As I’ve said, there is well over 1,100 blogs on this website.
Yes, I’ve been lost since August 24, 2018. I’ve rendered myself homeless many times by choice (whether consciously or unconsciously). That said, I’m really alright and I’m so proud of myself.
This song explains my life to a tee right now! I got a good old friend with me tonight and I guess I’m doing alright. Now 12PM therapy session and I’m ready for the long weekend! Dierks, HERE I COME!!
So Get out of my way Trina, I’m going to move mountains!