I am about to experience my first first after separation. My ex-husband is coming to visit the kids this weekend. I’d be a bad liar if I didn’t admit that I am having all sorts of anxiety over it, as he has made it perfectly clear that he want zero to do with me. He’s like a black cloud rolling in and I just have to accept it for what it is.

I received a text from him the other day with another request to refrain from talking about him or other people. Something about his job. I didn’t answer as it’s bullshit.

It baffles me that he is so protective with his life after destroying mine. It baffles me that he never checked in on me while I was at my worst. It baffles me that heaven forbid should he have any consequences. After all, it was just a marriage. We can do anything wrong to our spouses and get away with it.

Again, acceptance is key to working with all the firsts. The first hurt, the first insult, the first family visit without me, and the first holidays.

Working with the Firsts

This is why this first is so anxiety filled. As you can see in my previous post, I have been doing a lot of denying my own reality. So coming to terms with everything and moving forward is baby steps and really it has only started the past few days. The past few months I’ve been chasing an unrealistic dream.

I am so sad that the four of us will not be sitting around a table talking and chatting like the old days. Listening to our children’s life brought us happiness. Now, he’ll be doing that with them alone, as I sit alone wondering how things are going. Got, I know I’m not the first to go through this, but man, it’s a hard reality to face.

My kids want their father in their life and I am going to do my best to stand back and let them live. I have to accept the inevitable future of being alone when he’s with them and visa versa.

Acceptance is a fucking hard thing to do though. Because it’s intermingled with change so very often.

What Will I do on this First?

So what are my intentions for this first? I have been invited to stay with a few friends, but I really do have to prepare for my trip to Syracuse on Sunday. I’m hoping a friend will come over to keep my mind off of him and this visit. I think I may venture for a pedicure and manicure on Saturday too. Self care rather than fretting on how something I viewed as wonderful could end up being such a nightmare. Most of all, I’m going to breathe….and a lot of it.

I’m happy that he’s coming when I already have plans for one day and I’m so pumped to see Dierks Bentley with one of my closest and dearest friends who has been such a great support to me during this horrible time.

I am going to focus on my happiness. Follow the steps and try my darnedest not to let things get to me.

What did you do when you had to deal with your firsts? Leave me a message on my Instagram.

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