I may not be on the road to healing with my spouse, but I still watch a lot of these videos from Affair Recovery to this day. I find they help me immensely. I listened to a video today about ‘Denying Your Reality’ and realized wow, that’s me!! I am completely in denial of my reality and what I’m capable of to continue this journey alone.
While this video speaks to the person who committed infidelity, as I cleaned my bedroom today, I realized that I was completely denying who I was, who I am today, and who I can be. I have not been owning up to the reality of my own choices in this nightmare.
Remember this took seven months and a lot of thinking in my head, watching videos and writing on this blog to truly come to this conclusion.
Things I Own
- I subconsciously knew something was up, but I was too busy and self absorbed in the move to see it clearly. I made excuses (eg. he was having a heart attack or a burnout)
- I was steadfast in showing my hurt over and over again. Although we went out for dinner and stuff in Ottawa, my hurt was worn all over me.
- My inner child wants to save others. Sometimes my inner child crosses boundaries because I have chosen people who are emotionally unavailable, treated people badly, or people healthy people didn’t want to be around.
- I left him at the end of day. I knew in my heart that he wasn’t going to follow me. I saw it in his eyes. I did not see that love and desperation that a man/woman should articulate when his/her spouse is leaving them. However, I kept going on an angry rampage saying “Why aren’t you following me?” Although it hurt, I valued myself more than the hell I was living in Ottawa. I left the jail I was in. I’m proud of valuing myself more. I am courageous.
- I forgive him for the things he did to me. I do not forgive him for not being there for me in my time of need and not committing to his marriage vows. This will take time and a lot of healing on my part.
- I worry about his well being and that’s why I message. I often think, if anything happens to him, I’ll blame myself. Everyone will blame me. I realize today that his well being is his. My well being is mine. We are two separate people. Nothing he does to this day will ever be my fault. Those are his choices. My helping, my anger, my calling him out, and boundary crossing will do nothing to help him. He’s never asked for it since I left.
- I love him dearly to this day. I knew him as a child. I knew him as a young adult and middle age man. You just can’t cut the ties quickly and expect them to be forgotten immediately. That said, I do not want to see him this weekend anymore than he wants to see me. It’s the nostalgia that wants to see him.
- I loved myself for about three years now. I’m resentful that I lost it in a blink of an eye. My healing and recovery though, depends solely on me loving myself and being kind to myself again. Whatever path I choose going forward, isn’t his fault. It’s mine to own.
For anyone going through the same as myself and is fortunate enough to have a spouse who will “stick around” to recover, I highly recommend tuning into their videos and possibly considering an EMS weekend or online course.