I have always loved being alone. I remember as a young girl playing Barbies for hours and not needing anyone else to join in. I was perfectly fine being the voice for all twelve Barbies.
I remember walking to school alone and having the greatest imaginary conversations with myself. In the woods, I could be Sabrina Duncan, Kelly Garrett and Jill Monroe, of Charlie’s Angels, and successfully save the day. I loved my friend time as a child, but I also loved being alone.
Therapy has really helped me during this time of marital separation from my husband of 24 years. Yes, we almost made it a whole life sentence. However, just shy of 25 years, I realized my life sentence of being alone was just being handed to me. I was abandoned. I’ve felt abandoned before, but this time, I felt it hard.
Fear of abandonment is a type of anxiety that some people experience when faced with the idea of losing someone they care about. Everyone deals with death or the end of relationships in their lifetimes. Loss is a natural part of life.
However, people with abandonment issues live in fear of these losses. They may also exhibit behaviours that push people to leave so they’re never surprised by the loss.
I am playing a dangerous game of shutting people out these days. I can’t decide if I’m OK with it or not. I suppose time will tell and I plan on making this a focus discussion in therapy today. The more people exhibit emotions like they don’t approve of me, want to distance themselves, or go quiet, the more likely I am to shut them down.
Case and point, my daughter said she wanted to move out of the apartment on November 1. Two months earlier than the agreed timeline. I made her go downstairs immediately and give our notice. Now, she’s wavering and I am staying steadfast to the plan. I will not risk being hurt again. I also think it’ll be good for us. I am moving in with my parents. At least I have no fear of abandonment there. More like, fear of smothering. It’ll be fine.
Saying Goodbye is Easier
I’ll be honest, I’ve lost two friends to date. One was an Internet pal for over 24 years, but I discovered that he was hitting me behind the knees every time I was praying for help. I told him to leave me alone and let me heal. He didn’t come back, and that’s ok.
The other person is someone I met last Spring. He’s nothing more than a friend, but I tend to pick fights each and every time I talk to him (especially when drinking). It’s the same argument, and it’s becoming a broken record. I don’t know why, but I do it. Each and every morning, I get the same text. “Good morning! Just wondering if you’re still fucking grumpy?” I am laughing while I write this. I think he’s a good friend. A keeper if you will. However, I still push this new friendship away when I’ve never pushed anyone away before.
Total no-contact with my ex-husband is best for me. Each and every time I have to communicate with him, my anxiety is at its peak. I’m meaner. I’m sadder. I’m more fucked up.
The other day I sent a dropbox link of family pictures. He responded, “Sorry, don’t trust you.” I responded “Too bad. Your loss.” Let him ask me for family photos again. He won’t be getting them. It’s almost the pot or the kettle theory. What did he do to lose my trust? Far greater than I have ever done in my grief. He ruined a family and a person. Hey, if it makes him feel manly to say that to me, let him do it. Just not to me directly. I’m happy we’re not talking for my greater good. He’s so mean.
Therapy in 45 Minutes
I am going to discuss this abandonment anxiety of mine today with my high priced therapist I no longer can afford. I believe it’s affecting the person I can be, the friendships I currently have, and the relationships with my children. I think the only one who can talk me down from this anxiety is my son. My son has been a godsend to be honest. He knows when I’m at my lowest of lows and can offer solutions to me.
The burning question for me is this. “If someone can abandon another like I have been abandoned, and continually add salt to the wound almost a year later, how can anyone in their right mind support him?” I have been through hell and back with him, and I recognize that it’s a VERY UNFAIR question to ask. He has treated me like I’m a second class citizen since November 14th, but it’s the anxiety talking, not me.
What Could He Have Done Different?
I feel that there was a way for him to maintain his single man life, but to seek redemption and forgiveness from me. I probably wouldn’t have felt so abandoned.
- First, action instead of words. At least check up on me knowing that I’m so distraught and bat shit crazy. This wasn’t a simple deception. It came with a multitude of heart wrenching actions. After all, I did take care of him and his children for 24 years.
- Delete me from social media, don’t BLOCK me. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong (I wasn’t even writing at the time).
- Answer my questions. Don’t promise to follow up, head to Montreal and say you forgot.
- Act as if 30 years mattered, even a little bit. He acted as if it was over right from the beginning.
- Don’t allow kids on our family Netflix. Get your own account. It showed you moved on way too quickly and that you didn’t care about my mental health at all.
- Have a heart. You did something terrible to your family. Just have a fucking heart.
From what I can see, his decision to stay in Ottawa has cost him far more money than staying with me. Whether his girlfriend is a sugar daddy or he’s showing off, I am happy I’m no longer tied to his pocketbook. For now, I’m going to pursue what’s rightfully mine, since I was with him for 24 years, say goodbye to the memories and try to forget that the man I loved left me for god knows what.
I’ve been abandoned emotionally and financially, my credit has taken a dive, my whole being is being questioned and my will to live somedays is nil. I don’t know how he can look in the mirror at all. Problem is, I can’t look in the mirror anymore either, but I still love being alone.
That said, I recognize that being alone now is killing me and the sense of abandonment is far greater in the dead of night. I need to get out more. Be open to new people and experiences. The only time I brave the outside World is when I’m drinking, otherwise, I keep my head down and do what I need to do. I believe that I need to find those three Charlie’s Angels deep inside me. She was always victorious in the end