Well back to reality as we all know it. This morning I attempted the task of quitting smoking. It didn’t last very long. Despite my extreme frustration with life, there’s no excuse good enough for my failure. One positive move forward generates more. I’m starting to wonder if I should quit in the afternoon as it’s much easier to quit one’s job, quit eating, have a nap, relax and take it easy as the day winds down.

Smoking is my only release. Seriously! I have no hobbies as I bore easily. I’ve tried needlecraft, scrapbooking, and photography. Perhaps, if there was a nightly karaoke group or a jam session night (if I could play an instrument) that could be my hobby.

As horrible the habit is I love the feeling I get when I smoke. However, with that said, I am now losing sleep due to coughing and wheezing. Not a good sign or feeling. Yes, I’m overweight and that contributes to my wheezing but I am eating cleaner each and everyday. My goal is to lose this weight that I’ve gained since the depression of 2009. You may be in a recession, but Lord knows I have been in a depression.

A sequence of events and a seventeen hour drive home allotted the time to reflect over the past year, and my life in general. I’m afraid to take chances and make mistakes. I’m afraid of quitting no matter how good or bad the outcome may be. I hate to be a failure, when all along I have been living a failure’s life. Now now, please don’t go and sugar coat it, it is what it is.

I’ve made a few simple goals for the next year and as short and sweet as they are, I certainly hope I develop a new attitude and change my course in life.

1. My writing is my final goal. I want to write what I know and be who I am while writing. I need to be happy to write, thus I must find my happiness.

2. Work to make consumer’s happy. I’ve spent the last year delivering bad news to people in times of distress. I am the company’s peacemaker to homeowners, so management are able to keep face so they can continue to make millions of dollars. God damn it, I want and will deliver only good news to consumer’s. There are people out there who have the mentality that believe it’s o.k. to phone a homeowner and delay an install after they booked the day off. That’s just not me and how in the hell did I get here?

3. Quit smoking and begin exercising. I felt so good the earlier part of 2009. I was strong and feeling great. There’s no possible excuse why I am back at square one. I’m going to get a personal trainer again even if it kills me financially. Elliptical is ready to be put together (TOBY!!!), I’ve got my ball in the corner and weights beside it. I’m ready to run (not in the literal sense, my feet couldn’t take it just yet)!!!

4. Have positive friends and join some motivational groups. I have no idea what motivational groups are….but there has to be one. Friends, well they come and go. Some just want to see you on Facebook and know what’s going on with your life, while other’s are genuinely happy to see you in real time. Those are the friends I want, need, and crave in my life.

Just a side note, it is amazing just how many people do not acknowledge you in person while all along they are a “friend” on Facebook. It makes one think if it is worth having them knowing what’s going on in your life. However, the curiosity of people makes me curious. I stand before you now and wholeheartedly admit to being a nosy individual who wants to know everything that’s happening.

5. Send out non-bullshit resumes. Be myself and take chances in allowing my personality to shine through rather than the run of the mill “As you will see in my resume, I possess the following skills:” type of persona. That is so not me when you meet me for the first time. This alteration will take a little creativity.

6. If all else fails in the job department, start my own business. I helped a few people out in Gaspe in regards to computer tasks. I know there’s a business out there. Question is do I quit it all to start it up or do I sit on the idea until I’ve got time?

7. Comedy. I’ve got to embrace my gift for comedy and take it out of the house. What to do with my upbeat personality is a huge question that I ask every day. I’m so much more than I’ve allowed myself to be.

I can’t say that I need to make significant changes to my home life. We’re a little neurotic but we have fun. I’d like a little more order, but I think that’s a tall order to request. My husband is fantastic because he’s finally embraced free spirited thinking. Once upon a time, I was “Yes, Toby take chances and make mistakes”, while when I suggested an idea for myself, he would be more cautious and demand that I stay put until something else comes around. I think we’ve met in the middle and we support each other’s decisions in life. So on the family front, all is good and that’s the most important thing in life.

I just don’t want to leave this earth early in life and miss enjoying those important people’s milestones.

It truly is my fear of quitting that is stopping me. Change is hard to take but quitting is even harder. It means altering everything you know and have been programmed to believe as o.k.

– I sincerely hope that I can do it with the help of my family and friends.

– I hope that I can be all that I can be excuse free.

– Most of all, I hope I’m not writing the same bullshit New Year’s 2011.

So to one and all, let’s help each other, help each other. Happy New Year.

“Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.” – George W. Carver

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