As I said in my previous blog post The Day My Marriage Died, my love for Ottawa was quickly fading. I knew if the situation was different, I could have rocked Ottawa much better than my husband. But I really wasn’t given the chance to embrace it.

This instastory, no matter how embarrassing it is to share, clearly demonstrates the pain I was going through. I was in Cambridge at the time for New Years. I was just so defeated (and drunk). That was the night that the cheese REALLY fell off my cracker. Thank God for my friends. They stuck with me the next morning as I cried and cried, til I could do nothing more but head back to Ottawa.

But after seeing this video of me, upon my return to Ottawa, I scheduled therapy. I found a wonderful therapist in Kanata and I still speak to her to this day.

The month of January 2019 was tragic. I was in tragic shape. Crying all of the time. Acting way out of character. Just a plain lunatic really. I hated my life in Ottawa. I left my business, my friends and family to come here. I had nothing but suffering and bad luck since my arrival.

However, I just wasn’t mentally ready to leave. I wanted so badly to see this marriage survive in spite of all the horrible things that were presented to me during my time in Ottawa. I loved him. I loved our life pre-Ottawa. I just wanted out of Ottawa to heal.

The Job and the City

I was reviewing a few really nice blog posts from the past about family and marriage, and realized that all my life, happiness and family came first for me. A job is a means to nice things and a roof over your head, but without love and happiness, you’re nothing. I think that the way I spoke about my husband in these posts, I now realize that his job took precedence and I never truly realized that. That’s not a horrible thing either. Many people put their job first.

But when push comes to shove, what would you choose?

I always respected this particular company we moved for . Until I realized that it wasn’t a great place to work. It was part and parcel of the reason I was so upset. It was a place where people came into our lives and made me believe that they were “nice people”, but they really were the devil. I no longer respected the promotion. It may seem a little immature that I’d blame a corporate company for the demise of my marriage, but I see the story in its entirety.

February 15, 2019

I left my parents place to return back to the city. I recently returned from yet another trip to Cambridge and I needed windshield washer. I got splashed on the highway and I couldn’t see. I just burst into tears. I swore that this was it. When I got back to the apartment I was killing myself. I could no longer live with the pain of being me.

As I drove down Nicolas, it was a beautiful day, but it had snowed the day previous. I had my window open and a car coming towards me landed in a puddle causing me to be soaking wet. I woke up. I didn’t go home and end my life, but I decided I needed to get my husband and I out of there ASAP for thinking such awful thoughts. Clearly, I was very mentally unstable.

The Day I left

February 17, 2019 was my parent’s 56th wedding anniversary. I did not go over, but I called them. It was a really bad day for me emotionally. I spent much of my time begging my husband to leave Ottawa so I could heal and we could figure this marriage out. He did not want to return to Cambridge. I told him I’d go anywhere within an hour and a half radius because I needed my friends and family so badly during this horrible time of grieving.

As I said previously, all of my personal belonging were in my car, so a decision could be made fairly rapidly. After much discussion, he wasn’t leaving and I wasn’t staying. He couldn’t really give me a solid answer as to why he’d choose a job over a 30-year relationship, but that’s his story.

So I simply looked at him and said, “Let’s pack the car.” I didn’t kiss him goodbye, and he sadly watched me drive away.

It was 7 or 8 at night and went to tell my parents that I was leaving and moving back to Cambridge the next morning. I slept at their house that night. My husband didn’t call or beg for me to return. He let me go. I didn’t sleep a wink.

30 years of partnership and not one sign of taking action to reduce my pain and not committing himself to the “In sickness and in health” marital vow. This kills me. All else can be forgiven and worked on, but watching your sick wife walk away, just unbelievable. This fact hurts me to the core to this day. It’s what keeps me up at night. All night…..most nights. I sleep only when I’m absolutely exhausted or drunk. That’s it.

He isn’t the first though, so as much as it hurts, this happens in way too many relationships. We forget too easily about what’s REALLY important in life. We forget about duration of togetherness for the next exciting opportunity. No one tries. Very few couples meet halfway. Very few have the desire to work on forgiveness and healing to rebuild. In sharing my story, I grieve with women and men daily who have been forgotten. I was one of those forgotten ones.

These videos from Affair Recovery has helped me greatly during my healing journey. I’m sure that if my husband would have watched even one of them, I’d still be in Ottawa. It’s all about working together towards healing and forgiveness.

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