How did it come to this? How can someone let someone go so easily?

I arrived at my friend’s place early afternoon on February 18th. My friend and my darling daughter was there waiting for me to arrive. My daughter was anxious to get a place together and it was beyond overwhelming for me. Holy fuck, is this really happening? I’m living in a dream. I repeatedly said that I could stay at my friends for a few weeks but, in hindsight, it was a good thing that my daughter was in between places. It made me take action. He wasn’t coming to chase me, ask for forgiveness or meet me halfway in this journey I was on.

Trina, he is NOT coming for you. Move on. Ya, easier said than done.

Moving to Kitchener

We found an apartment in Kitchener. It was close to Cambridge and to my daughter’s work. I can remember saying “I don’t care, pick which apartment you like best and it’s fine with me.” I was walking in a trance and had many tearful moments.

My daughter then went to Ottawa to get my stuff. Again, I wasn’t ready to return to Ottawa and was quite happy paying the rent for an apartment and staying with my friend for a few weeks. But she went and got my stuff, and again, it was a good thing as he already moved on.

OMG, the following week, my parents moved four floors under us. So every time I had a life shuffle, my parent’s life shuffled too. I was harbouring the pain of too many people.

Life Dealing With Heartache

Life hasn’t been easy. At first, I found a little happiness being with friends and family. That faded quickly because distance made the anxiety grow stronger. I would text and phone my ex-husband obsessively. I would call and ask how could he choose a shitty city that broke me and a job over me and 30 years together. He very rarely checked in to check on my mental state. That hurt.

Calling and texting him happens less and less these days, but it still happens in my weakest Psycho Trina moments. Dealing with abandonment and rejection is no easy task. Dealing with someone who you loved for 30 years and they couldn’t give a flying fart about the damage they caused is truly heartbreaking.

I went to Clearwater Beach, Florida with my sister-in-law. We had a lovely time, however, he was all I thought about. We met a great older couple and their daughter. We spent much time with them that they became family in some odd way. They “got” us. Elmer, our 76 year old friend, still messages me every second day to see if I’m feeling better.

The last time Elmer and I talked he said to me, “Trina, remember my wife was left with three little kids when I met her. I walked into the bar and looked at her and said, you’re the woman I’m going to marry. She’s my honey to this day. Never give up hoping that a good man will come your way.”

Upon my return from Florida, I had nothing. No trip to look forward to. No job to come home to. Just living life with me and the current situation that I had to deal with. I have enjoyed moments in my life, but I’d love to go five minutes without thinking about him.

My friends, my parents and kids worry about me so much. I can’t wait to let my daughter live on her own. I’m causing her grief and it’s so unfair. Problem is, I’m grieving and I need to feel it all. I should have lived alone. My mistake and I’m sorry everyday for that.

Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

I went to Niagara and Forty Creek Distillery on what would have been our 25th Wedding Anniversary. Why not get drunk and stare at the Falls that we visited on our honeymoon?

It was peaceful and spent on the phone with friends. I won $256.00 on Roulette. The chosen numbers 5 & 14. Our Wedding date. I remember going to the Casino in Gatineau and doing the same. If 5 or 14 came up, I’d leave him. The other numbers I’d stay. I stayed for a while, but I knew I was playing a game of Russian roulette at the end.

Keith Urban released the song “We Were” that day. OMG, it spoke to me. It made me realize exactly what I was missing. It was so ironic that he came out with this song on the date that we got married. Listen to the words. So me! I do miss who I was when we were. I was amazing. Now I’m just a single, drinking lady trying to find her way through life alone.

We Were by Keith Urban

Seeking Forgiveness

I am trying my best to move on, but fuck, it’s a bitch and a half. I know he has moved forward as he’s said “it’s over” many times in many ways. I refuse to believe it most days. It’s just so hard to move on.

“I deserve to be happy” Sure you do. Thanks for saying that while I’m crying on the phone.

“I need peace, we both do” Sure you do. Thanks for saying that while I talk to you and can’t understand why you can let go so easily.

“Why can’t you move on?” Because it’s 30 years of my life, I was your “Hunny Bunny” and I’m alone now.

“Why can’t you be happy?” I’m happy you’re happy, but I’m dying inside.

“Not anymore” When I asked why he didn’t want his wife anymore when all she wanted to do was heal and try to work it out in spite of the grief she was feeling.

Many times he’s asked when I text or phone, what do you want? You know where I stand.

This song clearly articulates what I wanted in the end. Listen to the lyrics. Addictions can happen to anyone and they can be forgiven if they recover from it.

Look at me now! I was so against drinking during the week and the LCBO guy knows me by name now. Between the drinking and smoking (God I smoke a lot), I have to get control of myself or I’m certain I will not see Fall.

Most other things can be forgiven, if you work together. Making mistakes and the shame that goes with it, happens to everyone. Listen to the lyrics. After 30 years, this is the way it should be, but it isn’t. It isn’t with us and it isn’t with the majority of people. They move on.

I listen to this song every night….hoping some people do. But mine doesn’t.

The problem is that as a society, it’s over and we move forward. There is no fight anymore to stay together. It’s just give up and move forward. Things and jobs are far more important.

I do realize now that I’m dealing with an EGO and that no matter what, he will move on while I struggle to survive many days. I don’t sleep. I drink a ridiculous amount of rye. I stare at walls. I walk the dog so she can pee and poop, but getting exercise is out of the question. It’s so wrong of me to treat myself this way. It’s self sabotage.

But he’s ok. He’s got a job, he traded in his frumpy wife for new fancy truck and our family Netflix showed that there was a youngster watching kid shows. I can only assume that a kid comes tied with a Mom cooking in the apartment I can’t get my name off the lease of and sleeping in my brand new king size bed, while I sleep on shit. I heard she was a youngin anyway. (I deleted the Netflix account).

Many would say, I’m so happy he’s doing good. I will certainly not be saying that. Not now anyway. At the end of the day, I know he was a good person who made mistakes. That said, he ripped my life into shreds. So no, I can’t be happy for him (or his little tartlet). Call me cruel or callous, but it’s my considered opinion that he moved on too quickly after breaking a heart and shattering a family. Not only that, he bragged about it to our kids and mutual relationships while my heart was still shattered.

But he’s not the first, nor will he be the last. As a society, we are all too eager to cheer both parts of the couple on, as they move forward. No consequence. After all, It was JUST a marriage. It was just a broken heart. Ya, you try and go through that. Not a walk in the park.

I am really trying to find forgiveness, move forward and seek the love that I deserve BUT, I’m in the angry stage of grieving now. Yes, I’m so angry that he’s moved on. Point blank and I’m so allowed to feel that way. It’s my grieving process and I’m not ashamed to say it.

That said….

Consequences of Heartbreak and Trauma

Let me tell you, with this journey that I’m on, I’d much rather the following:

  • A clip to the ribs by a thief trying to steal my purse. The ribs will heal but they will suffer the consequences in a court of law.
  • Harassing messages from someone that is out to make me suffer. I can charge them with harassment and they will suffer consequences in a court of law.
  • So many other instances, where when someone does you wrong, there are consequences to those actions.

Because there are consequences, I can have closure.

But with marital heartbreak and trauma, there are zero consequences. Absolutely nothing. You split the net worth equally and it’s adios amigo. Sad really when we see so many people suffering with heartbreak and trauma that lasts for years. There are many days where I’ve pray that life would end because the pain is so great and the outlook for the future so bleak.

Heartbreak also changes you as a person. It totally diminishes your trust in anyone. You bond with your friends, but seriously, that bond was supposed to be with your spouse…..forever. You question if you will ever go to bed with someone again and really enjoy their company.

A simple light stoning or a chastity belt would be a good consequence. (I’m joking)

Never Be Another Like Me

I hope I can find forgiveness in my writing. I hope that one day I can say to him, I’m happy you’re happy. But I know one thing. I bore his children. I spent his younger years and his adult years with him. I cheered him on throughout his career and was so proud of him. I left everything for him for his career with eagerness and excitement. I was supposed to be his forever. He will never be completely out of my life because of the kids. Most of all, I was willing to move to a different town, heal, and try to repair the marriage. I said I wanted to go to an EMS Weekend and with the hours profit, we could do it to save us.

That is a silver platter being handed to him that he graciously refused. That is a love of a woman who truly didn’t give up on the possibilities.

I know for certain, he may find the love that he needs, but there will never be another woman like me.

Future partnerships for both of us will consist of counting pills, taking vacations, and possible surgeries to discuss. There are zero memories of family and growing up. Not for me anyway, I will not take anyone on with little kids. You won’t see kid shows on my Netflix. So no blended family for me.

I’m happy to say that because I believe in how good I am. I believe that I deserved more than this. I believe that one day I’ll close the door on “some people do” and find the love that I deserve.

Some People Do

I know you’re hurt, I know it’s my fault
But I’ve kept “I’m sorry” locked in a vault
I know that time just keeps going on
And words by themselves can’t right all the wrongs
In a world that’s gone crazy, you don’t know what’s true
Most people don’t change, but some people do
Some people quit drinking too much
And some people quit lying
Some people decide to grow up
But it’s never good timing
Most wouldn’t forgive what I put you through
But I’m here tonight, hoping some people do
Some people say sorry to hear it’s okay
But I know it’s not so you don’t have to say
That you understand ’cause I know you don’t
And neither do I, that don’t mean that I won’t
Try everyday to show you the truth
Most people don’t change, but some people do
Some people quit drinking too much
And some people quit lying
Some people decide to grow up
But it’s never good timing
Most wouldn’t forgive what I put you through
But I’m here tonight, hoping some people do

Old Dominion

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