Divorce is never easy. I don’t think I’ve said these words before yesterday. “It’s Over”. My 25-year marriage and 30-year partnership is over. I woke up a different person yesterday. Something inside of me wanted to fight for me after seven months of pure agony.
Maybe it was the massive anger I had on Monday night. Maybe it was the outburst I had on Tuesday where I had everyone and their dog worried about me. Maybe it was the talk with my friend about my ex-husband’s visit. Maybe it was hearing “You worry about him more than he worries about himself.”
Maybe…it was just time.
Decision to Letting Go
Simple reason. I’m tired of being bat shit crazy drinking my sorrows away.
When I left Ottawa, I left everything in my name. So yesterday morning, I took the initiative to eliminate my name from everything. I am working on breaking the lease by finding a renter for the apartment. I need my name off that lease.
I phoned a lawyer finally. At first, I was willing to go through the process without one. I realize now that the damage caused me to lose the person I was, to live in anger, and to feel severe pain each and every day was unfair. I could not work as I have the past 25 years. All I could do was think, cry and make people miserable when I was around. I am going to work with a professional to make my future brighter.
I deserve happiness. I deserve to preserve the remainder of my savings. I deserve to live, keep my therapy and grieve without any financial worries. I am a 46 woman. As we age, it’s harder to get a job. It’s much harder to get a job when you put self-employed on your resume. Sadly, I can no longer be an entrepreneur (12 years) as I do want a home and car one day and being self-employed alone, well, I’ll never get a loan.
This situation was not my fault. It was his. I have no guilt going the lawyer route and protecting my best interests on my future all by myself.
I called my therapist for a letter explaining my current situation. I am happy that I had savings to be able to work this process without the responsibilities of a job. Now it is time to get out and work, but I must protect my past.
The Visit to my Parents
I went to my parents. I have been so awful to them. I realize now why I have been. I was keeping a secret and being around them sad and hurt only made me angry. I told them everything yesterday. S-L-O-W-L-Y during the day it came out. There are only a few people who know the full story and now they are one of them. I felt relief and freedom. I also felt happy because a Mom is like a lion. They protect, care, and understand.
“Can you understand now why I look like I’m a zombie off the Walking Dead?”, I said to my parents.
My parents agreed that I am living a nightmare.
Changing Thoughts of My Ex-Husband
For the longest time, I respected my ex-husband’s wishes and kept my silence about this nightmare. I had hope that we could work on this marriage up until this weekend. However, by not choosing family first, he doesn’t deserve my silence. I’m slowly beginning to really dislike this person I do not know anymore. He tore apart a family unit. He destroyed a person he vowed to love “til death to us part”. I only hope I can bring that woman back and rid this angry bear within. His actions and excuses of the last two years disgust me. This is the first time I’ve ever said those words outside of the initial rage of finding out all of his dirty indiscretions, and he disgusts me so much I no longer want him a part of my life.
But I wish him well but his horrible actions and decisions to tear a family unit apart doesn’t allow him a get out of jail free card. With every action and decision comes a consequence. It’s life.
So many 40-year-old’s are destroying marriages and families without realizing that they took sacred vows that are legally binding. They brought kids in this world that they promised to raise with their spouse. Marriage is such a joke these days for so many people. It disgusts me. I hope I can shake this perception over time.
I’ll Miss Him But I AM Letting Go
I’ll miss his kisses when he walks through the door.
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss him calling me honey bunny in his happy voice.
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss climbing into bed with him and saying “I’m so happy I’m home”
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss dinners together, random conversations, and 9 o’clock bedtimes
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss the family gatherings and the excitement of togetherness.
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss his family and visits. They were my family no matter what.
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss the love I gave to this 30 year partnership and to this man.
But I must let him go.
I’ll miss what I thought it was, not the reality of what I didn’t know.
But I must let him go.
Trina Stewart
