Yesterday was a huge ah-ha day for me. I have been working on my weight loss again and because of the detox my anxiety was at an all-time high. I don’t know why I was so worried, angry and agitated at my former spouse, but I tell you, if he was near it wouldn’t be pretty. I refrained from sending emails to him like I have in the past. Actually, it doesn’t take much restraint anymore, I’m ok with not communicating.
Then I was informed that he returned to Facebook. I was like WHAT and people are liking his return and making comments. People who were so sad about my situation. How dare they!! (I’ll get back to that in the end.)
You see, I had to communicate with him last week to ask for his lawyer’s name and he told me he wouldn’t send it to me, he’d send it to my lawyer. He also said he didn’t want to hear, speak, or read about me again, EVER. He never did reach out to my lawyer. Instead, he got back on Facebook. WTF?
I wrote him back and said the following:
“And to end this communication. I wrote another post, whether you want to read it or not is up to you. But just so you know why I’m writing first and foremost???? You’ve dismissed me where I couldn’t even reach you or cheer for you anymore. I needed to write it to get it out so I could live. I wanted you to read every word of what I write to understand what I am going through. I wanted you to read my shit deeply, wake the fuck up, clean yourself up, and realize that the person you pretended to be to me is that good person you should be. You may have fooled me, but you’re also fooling yourself today and every day you make me out to be the bad guy.
I really wish you’d read more in depth. Because with every negative I write, there is a positive. There is always room in life to be better when we know better. Right now, you and I, we are beyond repair. But someday, maybe, you can be proud of the person you’ve become through hard work and effort. Maybe there will be some redemption from the shit you put me through. That’s the day I may be able to forgive you for not making the change to yourself on November 14,2018 or at least February 17, 2019.”
Another fuck you response arrived that evening. However, he did send a response a few days later that had me very worried. I was literally sick thinking he was going to do something to himself. Now, I realize that he was writing to me to say, you left, I wanted you to stay. Maybe it was a message of subtle guilt. Maybe he is moving in with someone and that was his way of releasing his guilt knowing I’m still suffering and healing from the pain he caused. Maybe he’s saying, if I had stayed, he wouldn’t be in trouble. I have no idea and I may be dreaming in colour., What I do know now that it was blame directed at me for not staying.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Over the course of the last ten months, I’ve been dealing with two personalities. I think I’ve been dealing more so with Mr. Hyde, and this side of him causes me a lot of anger and anxiety. Bat shit crazy anger. Mr. Hyde is the one who has shut me out. Mr. Hyde is the one who is mean. Mr. Hyde is the one who has told me numerous lies, only to be caught. Mr. Hyde is the person I don’t know anymore.
I am dealing with a person with an addiction who has cut off communication with me because I tell it like it is. If I was a betting girl, I’d bet $10,000 that my statement is true. For that, I worry myself sick over him. Many people say, “move on”, “he’s not your problem anymore”, and the best is “He wasn’t worried about the hurt he was going to cause you, so why are you worried if your rightful actions is going to cause him pain?”. All reasonable and logical things to tell me for sure.
Simple answer of why I worry about me doing things would cause him pain? I am furious at him for ruining everything I saw as wonderful, but I don’t want him dead.
My ex-husband dying would kill me. No matter what he’s done to me, I’d want to be dead too if he wasn’t walking on this Earth somewhere. I’ve been with him for 30 years. I’ve solved all of his problems in the past. When he didn’t like a job? I went balls to the wall updating his resume and applying to find him a new one. He didn’t like a specific brand of underwear? I’d go out and pick up a different brand that day for him to try. He worried about nothing. He also knew he could talk to me.
I said to a friend the other day, I don’t get it, the person very that would take care of them and love them more deeply than anyone else in this World, they reject. For what? Because they are fucked up from a mid-life crisis? Got caught up in womanizing? They enjoyed the fast life? Their drinking or drugs got out of control? Why? I think that’s a question that needs some exploration. We know them the best, we cared for them the best, and they just don’t realize what they’ve got until it’s gone. Not a clue in hell how that happens.
There is Always Redemption
Realistically, people make mistakes. I’m not an angel. People can redeem themselves. Whether I forgive him or not is irrelevant, but it would be easier to forgive him if the devil (or Mr. Hyde) would just go back to hell where he belongs.
I know my ex enough that he’d never in a million years come to me now and say he needed help. Addicts know who they need to avoid.
Today, I had to do the worst thing imaginable. I went into the bank to explain my situation about our joint account always being over the overdraft. I needed to know if this was affecting my credit. I have no payments going through that account, but he does.
Then I explained my assumption that he is not in his sound mind and it concerns me to be tied in any way with him when it comes to my future. They told me to close pay the overdraft and close the account, and I did. Since he wants no communication with me, I hope he reads this.
I noticed three charges on my credit card for Skip the Dishes that I didn’t make. It could have been innocent because I know I’ve given him my credit card info in the past when we were together. However, according to the source I sent to ask him, “No he didn’t use my credit card on the 17th, but yes he ordered Skip the Dishes that night. He owed me nothing” I informed the bank manager who told me to call the credit card department.
I called the credit card department and said the same. Only he could possibly have my credit card information. They said they wouldn’t reverse the charges until I put a complaint into the Ottawa Police Department as it appears to be fraud. That too nearly killed me, but I did it. I can’t have Mr. Hyde laughing at me anymore. Whether he did or didn’t will be disclosed shortly I hope. It is $126.00 in total and I want it reversed. I will not have him feeding another female companion (who I can only assume is enabling his demons and making him very happy) on my dime.
The bank manager also informed me to contact his credit card companies that I had a card with and ask if I was responsible for any debt on these cards. One he cancelled my name. The other, I was on it but not responsible. So I asked for the balance, OMFG! The amount charged since September 1, 2019 is certainly cause for concern. I made it a point to disclose this to my kids.
Knowing what I know and seeing how I’ve helped him the past few months, my ex-husband needs God and desperately. I pray that he does find God before the devil completes his mission.
People Think I’m Crazy
I know, people think I’m nuts. The crazy ex who is so desperately trying to find a way to sabotage him. This has never been about sabotage. I have dealt with addiction all of my life and my gut is telling me that he needs a serious wake up call. He was so lost, that he never realized that the woman who loved him so much shared all of his life.
I so want him to be happy in time. However, I want him to rehabilitate and redeem himself before hand. You can never find true happiness until you get clean. This is when you can be proud of overcoming the hurdles and mistakes of your past and live a great future. He CAN be a good man, good human, and fantastic person in life. We all can be better when we know better!
I believe in him, even though he hurt me and his family so God damn much.
Getting Back to Facebook
I’ve created a new Facebook account. An account with friends and colleagues who I feel safe with. I know that there has been people reporting to him as he’s told me that numerous times.
The other day I spoke to a friend and asked them to call someone who wanted to speak to them again. She said, “No, it’s about trust. I just don’t trust those who were good friends with my ex.” She got me thinking. She’s 100% right.
While I like my Facebook friend’s encouragement, seeing them welcome him back and cheer for him right now just isn’t good for me. It would be horrible of me to make people choose (I so wanted them to do last night. That was my bruised ego though.)
Many messaged me and said they deleted him out of respect for me and how horribly I’ve been treated. That’s my tribe of people I need right now. That said, I’ve let a few into my life who really should be speaking with my ex because they may be a stepping stone in the future to help him find his way.
I know there are some Facebook friends who are simply nosy and just following both of us to watch the continuing saga. These are people who I don’t want in my life at this present moment. Maybe in time, but not right now. It’s all about trust, security and faith in the people who will help me and not patronize me.
I love his family dearly. Always have and always will. No one has reached out any amount to see what my mental state has been like. I assume that they are put out with me and that’s OK. I can understand for various reasons. For that reason, calling them to say “Hey, I’m 99% sure there’s trouble in Ottawa. We need an intervention like I keep saying, but now, I’m no longer wanted there at all.”, is pointless.
To be honest, the communication with them, or my own sibling, when I was living with my ex wasn’t daily, weekly or monthly. For that, unfortunately, I am going to distance myself. It makes me sad to do so, but I must for my own sanity.
At this point in my life, I do not want my ex-husband to know anything about me. I want my husband to deal with my lawyer right now. If and when Dr. Jekyll appears, then maybe, we can talk and find common ground to exist. Until then, he must fight his own demons. He never asked for my help, he didn’t want me in his life, so I must move on.
Tonight, I bought a pretty large print bible. I intend on attending church again this Sunday and working with the Alpha program to meet new people and to gain some perspective about this nightmare. I know right? Trina going to church!!
I need strength to move forward. Loving someone and leaving someone with an addiction isn’t easy when you’re also filled with anger and hurt. It’s just fucking horrible.