What is the Universe trying to show me? Never have I “never survived” any obstacle, and this will be no different. Today, I had to tell my daughter some sad news, we have to move out of this apartment and we need to do it soon.

Things didn’t work out the way I hoped. Today, I spent the whole day applying for work. I have over 250 resumes submitted to date. Two interviews and no offers. It isn’t happening just yet, and I need to take some proactive steps.

I explained to my daughter that because I assumed that since none of this was my fault, things would fall into place for me. After the course of the past year, I’ve changed drastically. I cried too much. Drank too much. I ignored my current situation too much, aside from writing. I am no longer “I’ll take care of it” Trina. I have been weak. I have been beaten, and I continue to be beaten by my absolutely clueless and heartless ex-husband.

I really think the enjoyment he gets by hurting me constantly far exceeds the love he had for me. He even messaged an old high school friend from London that he doesn’t even know. Just to irritate me. This time though, it’s not about him. It’s all about me.

A Little Bit Stronger

I am getting stronger every day. However, even my therapist believes I’m not in the right mindset to date, the right mindset to work to success and the right mindset to do anything aside from self care. It’s taken longer than I anticipated. It has literally stripped me away from all that I know to be real, loving and true. Most days, all I see is four white walls surrounding me. Like a hospital room or fancy jail cell. I have kept myself cocooned and in preventative mode so I won’t get hurt again. I made too many quick decisions (leaving him wasn’t one of them) and it’s biting me in the ass.

I started a weight loss program and, what should have inspired me, has caused me stress. Really? That’s not me.

Today is the Day

I will not let this destoy my life. I’m stronger than that. I’m stronger than the addiction. I watched the movie ‘Stronger’ tonight and it was very inspirational. It was the story of Jeff Bauman, who lost both legs durng the Boston Marathon bombing. With all his adversities in changing they way he had to live, at the end of the day, it was her. It was family.

Sometimes we have to give up a few things in order to rise again, and recognize that everyone isn’t like Jeff Bauman. We need to let go, stop worrying, and focus solely on ourselves.

So today is the day I’ve made some pretty heavy decisions. My daughter will go to my parents until she can settle herself in a new city, and I will either stay with a friend or rent a room. I’m putting everything on Kijiji. Furniture, Breville appliances, my cameras, and anything else to keep me afloat until I’m better or we can get this issue into court. I deserve the support that I need and I’ll sell it all to keep fighting for it.

The universe will not win. The universe right now is teaching me some pretty hard lessons, but I will win in the end. It saddens me that it has come to this. Telling my dauther that we are similar to the game of Survivor was the hardest part. Once on the same team, but now, opposing contestants vying to survive. She had such good intentions in February. I’m sad I let her down.

That said, my daughter is going to have to figure out her life, as I figure out mine. It’s impossible for me to save her day this time. Betrayal and divorce, it affects the family and hard.

According to my ex, apparantly none this happened and that I’m telling lies. I’m very aware of my circumstances, what happened and I’m thankful for that. If people want to believe choose his vision of the truth, let them.

Then again, he said (once upon a time) that I was the glue that kept the family together. Unfortunately, because of him, my glue has lost its stick for the time being. I will never give up!

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