I remember quite vividly a conversation that took place in his mother’s house about two years ago.
“If Trina ever got sick, I don’t think I could handle it or stay by her side.”, he said.
I giggled and just brushed it off. “Of course you’d step up to the plate and take care of me. We’ve always taken care of one another since we were teenagers.”
Well, after suffering some pretty significant mental health issues, due to the cards he dealt me, I now know that he truly meant it.
A New Health Issue
Anyone who watches my Instastories knows that my voice has taken a beating this past year. When I communicate with him via email, I lose my voice completely. My doctor said it was stress. My psychic said it was a message not to speak to him. All that aside, my doctor sent me for a Thyroid Ultrasound and referred me to a specialist.
I went to the ENT specialist last week, who prodded me with this long tube through my nose to my vocal cords. (Horrific!) . Well come to find out I have a sizable nodule on my left vocal cord. Is it cancerous? It doesn’t look like it. However, because I’m a smoker, the possibilities are there. I have to go for a CAT scan and a biopsy. Surgery on this vocal cord is inevitable.
My gut has been incredibly correct the past year. It has guided me in everything I’ve been doing. My expectations have been low because of my gut, not the absence of the Power of Positive thinking.
I truly believe I know the outcome of this. I will not share it. It is my considered opinion that losing my voice so frequently has a whole lot to do with my written voice and my ability and need to connect with the same broken souls as myself. It’s not about speaking out loud. It’s about speaking from the soul, which this blog has allowed me to do for so many years.
I also believe that this was meant to happen. The whole scenario that has left me abandoned, almost voiceless and waiting for a surgery was meant to happen because…..”If Trina ever got sick, I don’t think I could handle it or stay by her side.” When someone shows you who they are believe them.
My gut told me that this was an extraordinary story right from the beginning. I will continue to tell it no matter what. I believe it’s powerful beyond my own imagination.
Christmas and Other Happenings
I’m going to be honest. Although living in my parents is a blessing, it’s emotionally exhausting and this too can leave me paralyzed most days. They have been by my side and dependant on me since September 16, 2018. There is some unfairness to this, but it’s meant to happen.
I was on the phone the other night with a best friend crying my heart out. The apartment building is/was infested with cockroaches, and we had to vacate for six hours. My parents went to my brothers and I took the dog to a friend’s place, while I tried to rent out my empty apartment in Kitchener. I was so looking forward to one night alone. I returned at 4:30pm only to find out that they only did it five minutes ago. I couldn’t enter and I had no place to go. I was beyond myself!
I am at the ends of my rope with this apartment living. I want to feel like I’m home again. That hasn’t happened since August 2018.
I am dreading Christmas, but I’m going to kick myself in the butt to get the cookies made for the kids and a few gifts purchased. They can only spend Christmas morning breakfast with me and I’ll take that. I am an empty nester and I have to be compassionate to their partners and their family gatherings too.
I know I’ll have friends to fill the void ,and I hope that it will be a good day overall.
I can only pray that my friend is right. She said with all of these hurdles something great is coming my way. Whether it be a job, a spiritual change, or a positive change because of my soulful voice, I can only pray that great things are abound in 2020.
All we got is prayer when we are working through the path of Betrayal Trauma.
