So first and foremost, I’d love for you to comment on how you are doing and coping during the Corona Virus quarantine? I care about my readers and I hope that you are all learning your purpose in life.
Over the past three weeks, I’ve had good times and bad ones. Two Saturdays ago, I was at my absolute worst. With school put on hold, I’ve been trying to fill the void. That void I filled with school. School filled my cup and gave me purpose again.
With that, triggers happened and my whole being was reverted to Summer 2019. I felt like I was going nuts.
Being Laughed At
Since I can’t get into it, it went something like this with my therapist. I feel that everyone has laughed at me the last thirty years. I cried to my best friend and my tiresome dude, all Saturday, about one specific incident that hurt me so much that my fury escalated into “How much have they laughed at me this year? When I applied for welfare? When I decided to go to school to get my sanity and self worth back? I can so picture them in my smoke-filled garage saying, “Oh Trina, she’s just so funny. (without an ounce of guilt)”
I’ve learned many a lesson this year. For example, this blog. Someone encouraged me to write. Then, I found out all the nasty things she has said about it, from the horse’s mouth, which in turn has caused me to lose my voice and help others. It was a ploy right from the beginning to make me fail. I thought she was a best friend, but she wasn’t. It was ploy to ruin me to protect someone who did the worst damage in the long run. The person protected knows it, and they told me just to rub it in. It was another lesson learned about people and their ability to laugh at you behind your back.
I think, if anything, the Corona Virus has given us the opportunity to appreciate the things we can control. Who we love and respect. When you show love and respect, you DO NOT play people to benefit of others who have played them.
So I’ve distanced myself greatly from many people and I’m happy that I did. Hyper-vigilance is something you can read in my last blog post.
Back to my therapy session
“It appears that being laughed at is a huge issue for you, Trina” said my therapist.
“I don’t care if I’m laughed at.” I replied.
So she asked if some stranger laughed at me would I be hurt? I replied, no. We basically summarized that being laughed at was a personal thing. It hurt me when I assumed that people I cared about were laughing at me.
Long story short, we did an exercise because every feeling and emotion has a meaning attached to it. She warned me that she was going to ask a series of questions and I’d get frustrated with her because she wanted me to say the first thing that came to mind. Here’s how it went but shortened. It took a lot longer than this.
When you feel your being laughed at, what does that mean to you?
That I’m a joke.
When you feel that you’re a joke, what does that mean to you?
No one took my feelings seriously.
When you feel that no one takes you seriously, what does that mean to you?
That people judge my intelligence.
When you feel that people judge your intelligence, what does that mean to you?
That I may question whether I am intelligent and then I decide that I’m not.
When you think that you’re not intelligent, what does that mean to you?
It means that I’m wrong in thinking that because I am intelligent.
When you say your thoughts are wrong and you are intelligent, what does that mean to you?
It means that I know my value and the input I give is well thought out and researched.
When you say you know your value, what does that mean to you?
That these people don’t know it.
When you say that these people don’t know your value, what does that mean to you?
It means that I invested time and love for people who didn’t value me. What a waste of time.
Know Your Value
At the end of the day, I’ve spent countless hours, days and years with people who do not know my value. It was a colossal waste of my time that no money will ever repay. Whether it be a client, spouse, parent, friend or child, people for years have made me doubt my worth. I’m done with people like that.
No one will ever pull the wool over my eyes and do the opposite of what I object to. No one will ever make me judge my worth and my value ever again. I will never be blindsided or unloved by a narcissist or mentally-injured person. My time is not to be wasted on those people.
I basically said to my therapist. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this trauma. I don’t know if I’ll ever love again, and a feeling washed over me. I’m ok with that too. She assured me that I will. I hope she is right. But love again? It’ll probably be a frosty Friday morning in July before that happens. But then again, we are going through a pandemic where life for all of us is on hold. It’s an awakening. There are so many shitty people out there but we see a lot of good too!
In the infidelity department, it nuts how many assholes have abandoned their families for whatever fills their cup. How many people who say “they deserve to be happy” when they have destroyed a person and a family. Most don’t get the severity, the mental anguish and the hurt. It’s swept under a rug like it’s a normal occurrence. It’s ok to cheat. That’s the message they send.
In business, so many people abandon their families daily for the holy dollar and success. So many cower and applaud their perseverance and ignore what they are doing to their family. It’s ok to ignore your family and make them feel second as long as you’re a hard worker and the money maker. That’s the message they send.
There are so many people who will not go for what they want in life because of fear. People install fear into people. It’s ok to be fearful and stay stuck because heaven forbid if you fail. That’s the message they send.
Who do we have now? Our family and friends. Most of us are without work. And if we do have work, the ladder to success is questionable at best. We are working to survive now, not to achieve greatness.
Anyway, I wanted to share this exercise with you as I plan on using this when I feel discontent or get angry over a particular trigger from now on. I hope that it will help you too!
Please be safe and practice social distancing. Love your family who surrounds you. Be the best you can be today and everyday. Most of all, when we get through this, remember what you learned. Don’t allow the chase for a fling, money or success send you back to what’s really. not that important at the end of the day.
I hope that I can share with you an idea that my therapist gave to me on a daily basis. I’m pretty much reverted back to my Summer stage, but I’m going to try this exercise daily and share it with you. It sounds promising.