I have had a pretty full life if I do say so myself. It’s been filled with great times, good times, and bad times. Last Friday, my son’s fiancé delivered a healthy baby boy and I couldn’t be more proud. I was so happy to have my friends surround me with champagne and kisses. They knew I didn’t want to spend this moment alone. When I went to bed, I tried to write an email.
I wrote, “We did good.” **delete delete**
“Hey Grandpa, Congrats.” **delete delete**
I closed the mail program, slammed my phone into the bed and cried. There was nothing I wanted to say to this person who created the son, who created my grandson. It made me feel like I was the worst human being imaginable. I had no desire or nothing left to say. And then, I went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up happy, excited and proud. This baby is a gift from God and I best appreciate it. I spoke to one of my friends on the way home and explained how I felt the previous night. They were proud of me for throwing my phone over writing because that could have opened a can of worms, and being that I’ve come so far with my PTSD and depression, it was smart. It wasn’t my move to make anyway.
My First Visit
My first visit was today to meet my new Grandson. In true “Trina” fashion, I whipped up about ten meals for his parents. One less thing to worry about and more time for them to spend bonding their family. Family means so much to me, and I hope that I’ve passed this onto my children so they can have the ability dedicate their lives to their family and know what’s important in life. I will never ever regret my dedication because that is part of what makes me, ME!
I have had anxiety seeing my children since the separation. There is too much of a connection between old and new. I had extreme anxiety, albeit a lot of excitement, meeting my grandson today. I don’t know why, but the old seems to hurt too much, the new seems to calm me. It’s like the new is MY life. The old is something that wasn’t true.
Anyway, upon meeting him, my heart just melted. I dressed him in this little t-shirt and I felt the connection immediately. He is someone new. Someone new that can possibly restore the old feelings of family love and commitment that I once had. Right now, it’s terribly broken and I do it from afar. He is someone new that’s just so cuddly and innocent. He is my reason to keep going, be better, and fight the pangs of despair I still feel to this day.
After I left I felt so alone again, but I felt pride. I am so darn proud of my son. He didn’t leave his fiancee’s side for two days. He even slept five hours on the hospital concrete floor to be there for her. He knows more about SIDS, newborn babies and breast pumping than any man I had relations with. He’s going to be the best husband and father.
I am also proud of my daughter-in-law. No they aren’t married, but she’s the Mother of my Grandson. She is family and always will be until the day that I die. I intend to respect her wishes and love her unconditionally forever because she gave me such a wonderful gift. If she hurts, I will hurt too, because a mother who hurts has children equally as hurt.
As I sit back in my basement and return to my life of being alone, I sigh. I convince myself that there will be more days of cuddles, singing and dancing to come. Until then, I am single, a Daughter, a Mother, a Lover, and now, a Grandmother. This life is entirely mine for the taking and I’ve chosen family over myself, to a point, since 1994. It’s time I change my mindset. I love my family, but they are all moving forward. I love my family, but I’m not the one they sleep beside, commit to, and nurture. All I can do is pray is that they are good people to their partners and children.
In times of joy and despair, I (We) need to remember this. I am. I am more than this situation. I am love and will give my love to those who want it. I am open to loving, even it is from a mother, a child, a lover, or even a grandchild. I am worthy of unconditional and respectful love. I am worthy.