I’ve had the craziest week and quite possibly the best week in a long time. What started off with a FWB encounter and the best sleep the following night, Monday, I ended up in a pit of depression that I just couldn’t handle. So what did I do? I called the doctor. Enough is enough. Once I had everything lined up, I found out that my “someone” cut my benefits in spite of the order. Got the meds and cancelled the therapy.
I went into a legal support group for information where I received a lot of flack from a bunch of guys saying “get your own benefits.” Once I explained my story, why I deserved them and to understand that everyone’s situation is different, we all became friends. In fact, they helped me out immensely with information. It was then where I felt empowered. It was a start to figuring my own shit out, not flying into a rage, but standing up for myself, my truth, in a very authentic manner.
Wednesday, I went to school and worked with two guys on our portrait assignment. That shot above was taken by a guy in my class who is simply the best photographer. We have become really good friends and he’s offered to do another shoot since he made the unmade me look so good. I think this is the first photo where I’ve smiled, without sad eyes, in over two years.
Friday, I started working on assignments. I have given a lot of thought to my future and I made some goals to take some positive action. Long story short, I’m single and I have a dog. Looking at what I had to do to succeed and in order for me to pay the atrocious rent in Ontario, I’m going to have to work my ass off. So I posted something on Facebook that basically said that I needed to give up my dog but I wanted it to go to someone I know. I’d help out, pay some of the expenses and still be a part of her life. The response was long and short, you are going to kill her. A friend recommended that I delete it and I did. I was up very late working on my business plan for marketing. It was at that point where I was exasperated at how many hours I’d have to put into owning a business or working a career. I simply couldn’t invest 2 years of college to work at Tim Horton’s AND be able to live on my own while taking care of my precious dog all by myself. So I reposted that dog post again.
The next day, my friend wrote me and said, DO NOT READ THAT POST IT WILL KILL YOU. So I opened it up and saw a few comments. One said “Before you consider giving away your dog, I’d consider who you have as friends.” Then I deleted it. I received a few phone calls and got a little insight about my post and the opinions that I did not ask for. It’s funny, when I was given up and thrown on the streets, no one gave an opinion to the person who did that to me. No one unfriended him. In fact, I heard that some said “Life’s short, enjoy it.” “We missed you!” So fun fact, people care more about dogs than humans. I don’t need to explain the complexity of keeping my dog or not. I have a family of four when this dog was bought, I’m the only one looking after her and I’m the only one without a partner, a career, or a routine that will take me until I’m 65. Enough said.
So I deleted Facebook and I made my Instagram and Tik Tok private. If anyone wants to be my friend or know about what I’m doing, they can call, or text, or visit me. I don’t need a bunch of keyboard warriors telling me how to live my life when it was unsolicited. If you think I’m going to throw my dog on the street and leave her for dead like I was, YOU don’t know me and nor do you deserve to see what’s happening in my life. There isn’t a chance in hell that I would do that to a human or a dog. The reason being is that I’m HUMANE. I will make the best decisions possible for both of us, however, I will not wait another 5-6 years for her to die and start searching for my career at 54. This is MY life, and again, there were three other people involved, who are all settled down, when WE made this purchase. It would be the best solution.
So what did I do after that? I did me. I did my homework. I applied for jobs. I went to the studio and took photos. I went and took photos for two assignments. I did me and I will continue to forge ahead rather than endlessly scrolling catching feels of other people’s lives. If I want you in my life, I’ll call, I’ll text, or I’ll visit you.
Something else took place and it was baffling to me. Someone texted me in a rage. Apparently that person was the worst in the post according to a couple of people. They accused me of being dishonest and that I will be in a rut for the next 3 years if I didn’t listen. I thought to myself and said, “I said nothing except I was looking to get rid of my dog and I’m standing behind my decision. I also deleted Facebook and it’s for my own benefit.” Anyway, I’m blocked and have possibly lost a friend. I liked that person a lot, but I’ve been told many times that she bullies me. Whatever…it was good while it lasted.
I’m Doing Me
I had a long conversation with a friend tonight. She was also terribly taken on a ride and now is alone with five kids. She’s such a wonderful human. She is so inspirational. Sometimes I look at myself and see how weak I’ve become and I want to be her. I want to be the old me, but better. I’m going to get there. It’s just taking this old brain a long time to register everything.
Oh ya, and I’m 7 days no drinking too! I’m very proud of that. I’m also sleeping a bit better. I’m up early which hasn’t happened in months. I told my doctor that I’m not going to quit drinking. I want to be like I was before. No drinking when I’m mad. No drinking when I’m sad. No drinking during the week or alone. I’ll drink when I’m with friends, happy, and seeing life as having a million possibilities for me.
Everyone else can jump in or get lost.