It’s been a while right? Well, even bloggers have to take a break. I have to admit that life has been quite interesting as of late. I am proud to say that I’ve made the Dean’s List for the second time. I am so proud of my journey and the skills I have acquired.
A while back someone said to me “You’ll just shoot weddings and pocket the money.” That made me feel a lot of guilt for deciding to go to school and even though I defended myself, I had that nagging guilt feeling. Does the guilt come now? No, I’m doing my best and working towards personal success. In the past two years, there hasn’t been a minute that I haven’t had my eye on my personal freedom and success.
I won my first commercial job and the poster with the photos will be distributed Worldwide to their organizations. This was a very proud moment for me as I have yet to graduate. I’m busy now building my business. I will and I can.
Loving Life and Being Free
It’s taken over two years and a lot of anger, drinking, guilt and grief to get to the point where I’m at now. About a month ago, my son sat me down and had a stern talk with me about “the issue.” While I absolutely adore my son and his thoughts, I recognized that he was getting one side. It’s almost like after a 30-year partnership ends with infidelity, the emotions are irrelevant, but financially, we must let each other live our lives. Marriage is not only an emotional commitment, it’s also a financial commitment as well. Strong people see that, uneducated people fight it. Being a strong feminist doesn’t negate your living reality and this article here supports it. https://talkingpointsmemo.com/cafe/in-defense-of-alimony-feminist-economist-divorce
Women shouldn’t shy away from bargaining hard for fair support. To do so doesn’t make a person a freeloader—just a person who recognizes structural sexism.
Kate Bahn
I wrote this poem (or just a sequence of lines) about the misogynistic world we live in when it comes to emotions versus financial after divorce.
Me Too
He has to move
#MeToo
He can’t live the way he wants
#Metoo
He is struggling financially
#Metoo
He doesn’t want to live like this.
#Metoo
He made mistakes
Yet, he made choices.
I accepted them.
I struggle with intimacy
#DoesHe?
I have triggers daily
#DoesHe?
I feel my heart will never love again
#DoesHe?
I feel that I’m not enough
#DoesHe?
After writing this poem, I wrote my kids a letter. It was basically stating that although I have struggled, I haven’t shared all. If I disappoint, make them mad, or make them judge me in the future, I’m OK with that. They have no idea about the 100% truth. I’ve seen them maybe four times in the past year and I’ve seen myself every day. The judgement of myself is what matters. I will live my life the way I choose.
Grief and Friendship
Sadly, I’ve ended some friendships. Not in a malicious way, but in a way that best suits my future. I’ll always love them, but I have set standards for my current and future friendships that must coincide with my current mindset. After infidelity, all we want is to feel safe, encouraged, and protected. It makes me terribly sad at times, but also empowered in knowing that I stand up for what I will do for others and that I expect the same respect in return. Some people are incapable of doing that and that’s OK. I’ll always love them from afar. I have a life to live and it’s my life.
I made the decision to send my dog to a new home. This has been the loneliest two weeks since my separation. That said, with my mother sick and Dad’s health, this is not a happy home environment. Chloe is a happy dog who deserves a happy family and that’s exactly what I found her. She’s eaten every day since her arrival there. She sleeps well and loves her new parents with have children and grandchildren. I couldn’t be happier for her. I simply couldn’t stand the thought of feeling the guilt and grief of leaving her alone in our home while I pursued my career. Sometimes, we have to let go to allow ourselves to live freely.
My Life as Being Gullible
Throughout my life, I have lived with a tremendous amount of gullibility and guilt. I’m tired of it. I am taking my destiny, my happiness and my singleness into my own hands. The past few weeks, specific restitution has taken place and, for a few days, I felt horrible guilt over it. Then I realized, it took me forever to realize that my marriage was over, it took me a lot of begging before I stopped, I nearly went crazy and choices were made that weren’t mine. I have nothing to feel guilty over. The future could have been a nice boat, a tiny home and a happy family. The future is not that, and I deserve one.
My heart has hardened. It’s something I’m not in love with but I realize that it has to happen to learn and grow. My doctor of 17 years said this the other day after a conversation about the mistakes I’ve made on my journey and my current progress.
“You have been through a horrific event in life. You are an awesome person Trina. You will thrive. You just have to find your way. Alone.”
Yes. I am alone. It’s been hard. It’s been a challenge. It’s been a ride. At the end of the day, I’ve decided to be alone. I am free. I answer to no one. I am in charge of my destiny. Let’s see what happens over the next year because I’m damn proud of myself.
