Life has fallen into something that I never expected. It’s called normalcy. You wake up, go to work, come home, and go back to bed. In one way, normalcy can be overwhelming after a traumatic period in your life. Then something happens… Mother-in-Law passed away recently and it all came back. The exclusion. The reality that life has shifted and changed. You are no longer part of a full circle. You’re a broken family circle, much like when a patriarch or matriarch of a family passes away. Divorce sucks when it comes to the family circle.

The reality of it all, it didn’t affect me like I expected. I was sad as she was like a second mother for many years. I disconnected from everyone due to my fear that everyone was out to get me. But the days preceding and follower her death, I was understanding. I was thinking of my children and their grief. I was there for them. It wasn’t at all like I expected and that in itself was sad. It showed me how distant my past life is from my heart and soul today.

How to Love Me?

Recently, I was sent this song. I was sent this song because I’m a stubborn mule who runs away from everything that causes me grief. I lost a friend, I let her go. For a time, I backed away from all of my family. I avoid situations that will trigger me and my past. I avoid and runaway when I feel overwhelmed. This is one characteristic that I would never imagine me having. I am working on figuring it out. I am in my alone state tonight and doing a lot of thinking. Man, I have a headache.

Commitment. To many, it’s a day by day thing. To me, commitment is a level of dedication to someone or something that you feel confident about. One can study a certain trade, but not feel confident about their abilities, so they don’t commit to it. One can be absolutely happy with a person, but not feel confident about the direction, themselves, or even their partner. Therefore, they have troubles committing.

Maybe you might be different

Will it kill you to tell me the truth?

What in the hell does a man

Have to do, to be loved by you?

I commit, then I run. Commit again; Run again. I don’t know how many times I have to do this to figure out why I keep running. I ask myself, “Is it because I committed my heart before and was so badly bruised, am I afraid to commit and love again. Is that the reason I run away so often?”

Well I’ve been running as fast as I can

And you’ll never get over what you can’t understand

Pissed off, hanging up the telephone

Forever ain’t far, I’m heading home

There are times where I literally feel that my heart is stone cold. That giving myself to someone would be unfair. There are days I feel zero compassion, zero empathy, and zero trust. Not only with him, but with everyone. I wish I was one of those women who were awestruck and fell in love on a dime if given the slightest bit of attention….(ya, no I don’t.)

My Response

So why are you always angry?

Why are you always quiet?

Why do you sleep alone

When I know you don’t like it?

Maybe you might be different

Will it kill you to tell me the truth?

What in the hell does a man

Have to do, to be loved by you?

I have been scarred. I don’t wear it on my sleeve anymore, but there are broken pieces within me. I realize that now and I’m sorry. I hope that wherever my life is headed, it’s towards goodness, happiness and peace. I don’t know how much I can commit, but I’m willing to try. I may run away again, I can’t guarantee anything anymore. In life, there is no guarantees. There’s just living day by day.

The most important person we have to take care of is ourselves. No one will do it for us, nor should they. My decisions are no longer based on other’s opinions. My decisions are based solely on how I feel, how I want to live, and how what I need in life.

I know my road is rickety and broken, but I am me. Take me as I am, as I take you. We’ll figure it out like we’ve figured out the deck and the kitchen repairs. A heart may not be a simple renovation, but it’s a renovation all the same.

And until I figure this continuing shit show that I call life, I hope you’ll bear with me. As a friend, or a lover, or a partner. You have taken more interest in my life, my family and my World than any man I’ve ever known. I trust you, and that’s all that matters in my World right now.

And we return to normalcy once again……with some broken circles and winding roads.

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