This Summer thus far has been amazing. Absolutely, tiring for an old lady like myself, but fun. I am grateful for the current people in my life. That said, the past few weeks has created a few ah-ha moments in my life.
Life in a Second Relationship
My partner, who I’ve been on and off with for three years, has created some damage in our relationship. I’m officially known as the Runaway Girlfriend in the town where he lives, and it’s completely understandable why for the most part. After a failed marriage, I’m not damage control anymore.
Although I suffered a tremendous loss with my marriage, I was able to let go quite easily. It’s a long process, but the more you surrender to letting go, the easier it gets. With him, it’s been an eight year tango of letting go and not surrendering to the process. While I feel for him, I am also setting up very distinct boundaries because I’ve been through this song and dance of disrespect before.
We are dealing with it. Whether we move on as friends or partners is still up in the air. I can honestly say I’ve never been chased so hard. That said, I’m waiting for the actions to align with the words.
The thing is when I run away, I sleep. I sleep HARD. It’s like I’ve been fighting a constant battle of disrespect since November 2018 and I’m so tired of it. My daughter asked me how I was feeling about it tonight and I responded by saying that I think I’ll never be able to love deeply ever again because of fear. Here is this person saying “Whatever it takes….I will chase you” and I’m like “OMG, I am so tired of it all.”
Last week was emotional for me, something happened where the old war wounds surfaced and I didn’t know how to deal with the old wounds and the sadness I was feeling. Top that off with feeling sad with the realization that he’s simply somebody I used to know, which only made me sadder. When I love someone, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for them. Now, I stand back in peace, and I’m at peace with it.
I worked from home a lot last week to gather all these feelings, but I wrote very little so it didn’t make a huge impact on me.
Tangible Baggage
Tonight as I sit here alone, after watching The Circle back-to-back, I came to the realization that this person came into my life during a very hard time in mine. We both met with a lot of internal baggage between the two of us.
While I knew he was struggling with cutting off a relationship with his ex of eight years, I never truly understood how nostalgic he is. How he holds all things, including things that I DO NOT approve of, close to him. While it is absolutely disrespectful, it’s also a process that he needs to get through.
It’s called tangible baggage.
While I was very respectful when I started hanging out more or “quasi living together” I recently pointed out several times about second relationships where one or the other partner requested to get rid of all of the “stuff” that involved the previous partner. I never requested that out of respect and I should have. This weekend I noted that even my ex’s partner made sure that the new stuff that we bought, and never enjoyed, was gone and out of their lives before they moved in together. For that, I applaud her and her demands to move forward as a couple.
So now, I am requesting the same. All things pre-Trina must be gone. I even took a cute little coffee table wagonish looking thing that had their initial inscribed and put it to the curb. After-all, moving into a strange home isn’t easy. Having stuff from a previous partner makes it that much worse.
Boundaries and Boundaries
While you can’t expect them to trash everything from the past with kids involved, you must set expectations of what you want in the relationship well before you decide to move in together. My mistake. As well, I’m happy it took us nearly three years of ups and downs before we made a move like this. We knew we were more than on a “dating honeymoon” phase. It’s far easier to get hurt when you rush into this situation with intangible and tangible baggage lurking between the two of you.
I don’t know where this road will take us. I’m sitting in a space where all my stuff feels like home and I’m ok with that. We are still riding the turbulence of a second relationship and everything I own is not intermingled until I’m 100% certain that “he” is the one.
Also, I am experiencing another turning point in my life. My blood pressure is high. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t quit smoking. The odds of my health are against me as I turn 50 this November. I need and want to make severe changes in my life and I don’t know if I can make them with someone by my side.
I have goals. I want to own my own photo studio. He’s a dude where 9-5 matters. I do not want to be sitting behind a desk for 40 hours a week. I want to explore, travel and live life to the fullest. He likes his perch, beer, cooking dinner, having conversation with me and YouTube.
For now though, I’ll be open to the chase. I’ll watch whether actions match words. I will then decide what’s right for me. I know for a fact that you can be someone’s number one and quickly become someone that they used to know in a heartbeat. Love does go away. The fight for someone will no longer exist. Time does heal all wounds, but unfortunately, over time, the love does too.
That said, being chased is pretty cool because I’ve never had someone want me in their life that much. I believe his words….just gotta see more to believe it 100%.
