I just got off zoom with my therapist. I had a mental breakdown yesterday. She claimed that she wasn’t surprised that this would come, she just wondered when and what would happen to trigger it.
She’s never seen anyone “just keep going,” like I have, after so much trauma and loss. Unfortunately, it was my previous blog post that sent me over the edge.
We discussed that very quickly what triggered this breakdown yesterday. I explained to her the situationship (it was never a relationship) I was in, and explained that I knew it was for the best. However, when texting yesterday, what he said and how he said, sent me in a flurry of emotions where I ended up at the hospital. He did so many things over the past couple of years; Naked photos of his wife still on his phone, the texting from his wife, the flirting with my girlfriend at the bar, making an ass out of me at Cavendish due to drunken behaviour, and the over drunk Sundays that I didn’t like at all. I was angry, but he thought it was ok. So, eventually I moved out, but I still kept him. But, he was there for my parents and for me during their time of illness. All those incidents happened in such a short time period before my parents became ill and that was my main focus. As well, I was always so protective of his good qualities to everyone. Then bam, he’s trying to negotiate our relationship with me right up until December 18th, while on Tinder, or some dating app, searching for another, which he found and brought into his World immediately after the 18th.
So what triggered my breakdown was trying to understand the “why” and it made zero sense. It sounded like cheating, disrespect, but he disagreed. I told him that his new girl should know too that he was playing both of us. Good women don’t deserve a bad start to a relationship. He flipped out and called me a narcissist, control freak and all kinds of thing. Words, both ways, were thrown.
Then, everything hit me hard. My veins turned cold, my brain went hot, and I could feel that my every being was hypersensitive. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t normal, so I called my doctor immediately. The nurse guided me to the hospital on the phone and my therapist took it from there as I waited. I could not stop crying.
She explained to me that addicts and many individuals in today’s day and age use intermittent reinforcement to maintain a relationship with someone. The link above and food reinforcement makes me kind of giggle. This tactic is used proficiently, where they do a whole lot of things to hurt you, and then reinforce their commitment to you with good actions. But just enough to keep you enthralled and hopeful, so you stay. She said, “Trina, he’s not your man. He’s not really the kind of person anyone needs or wants in their life. You were in a state of grief, didn’t support you with your drinking, and he caused you insurmountable pain by pursuing someone else without telling you. He didn’t recognize your pain and suffering of the losses at all, so there’s your answer. But, I don’t think he was the overall cause of the breakdown.”
With all that said, my overall breakdown was due to the insurmountable amount of trauma and grief that I have experienced over the past five years, especially losing three prominent people in my life in an 8 month period. At that point, we spent the next forty five minutes discussing strategies.
Coping with Mental Trauma
I had to sit in the dark during our session as the lights were bothering me. She said that this will take a few weeks to recover from. It’s my decision whether I want to be on meds or not. She has advised me to start a daily routine to get my mental state back to feeling normal again. Here were her suggestions:
- Do not expect much out of yourself. Set low expectations for the next few weeks.
- My sensory nerves will be hyperactive over the next few weeks. Therefore, keep the lights and music low, the scent limited….etc
- Find something to look forward to every day.
- Eat more vegatables and fruit. Feed the body, feed the mind.
- Get moving, yoga for grief and try yoga nidra.
- Connect with someone in the flesh. Start with once a week and progress to a couple of days a week as your mind opens up to the possibilites.
- Do not date or pursue any relationship that will put a bandage over the mental trauma you’re experiencing.
- Wind down every night. No social media, no emails, and limit TV to comedies.
Although all I want to do is sleep, I am looking forward to feeling better and getting on with my life. My friends were over today to help me and I’m so thankful. We will complete the rest of the chores next week.
All I know is this is not a pity party, it was a dire cry for help from someone who went through so much in such a short period of time. Again, I’m thankful yesterday happened. Call me what you want. I may be all those bad names, but I’m also one tough nut!
Now I can focus on me and get the help I need to forge ahead.
NOTE: If you have the same feelings as I felt, it is always advisable to seek professional help or visit your local emergency room.
Til Next Time,
T
