Last night my daughter and I went out to get some boxes and decided to go have an appetizer. Well, I just wanted to lay low and listen to my therapists instructions. My daughter’s love of psychology and for me, was only trying to be helpful with her words of wisdom. As many Mothers and Daughters do, things got heated. We can get heated pretty fast, but it doesn’t happen very often anymore. Anyway, words were said, I felt a feeling of abandonment and I said things where she felt compelled to call 911.
I was so shocked that she did that and I was trying to convince that all was ok. However, it was a crisis for my daughter so they came. At first I was pissed, but then I thought, I’m working on myself, so let them come to see for themselves.
When they walked in, I greeted them and asked if they were bored tonight and had a little time for a story. They said, for sure.
I was going to reiterate the whole spiel on here, but it’s so damn long. However, it started with “It was Spring 2018,” and ended with “If you think I’m going to do harm to myself over this mental blip, I think everyone has me mistaken. If I wanted to die, it would have happened long before this happened.”
I have to appreciate my daughter for her concern. I can’t take that away from her at all. I’ve been a mental mess all week. That said, it was a good thing that it happened. Telling my story from beginning to end made me realize so much. It made me realize how extremely tough I am. Fuck, I’m strong! It made me realize that I’m not a narcissist or a terrible person. I’m just a person who had a hell of a ride the past five years. It’s as Simple and complex as that.
It made me realize that addictions make me feel like I’m at home. It’s familiar. It’s common. I have been surrounded by addicts since I was five. However, each and every time, the home was slowly burning down, and I was standing there trying to put out the fire with a vengeance.
I have already deleted all the photos, but I went back and reviewed the texts one last time before I delete past communication to try to understand myself more. I read both text exchanges between my ex-husband and my previous partner. With one, I was love bombing like crazy. With the other, I was giving tough love. Neither worked in my favour and that has to be OK. I’m still enough. I’m still loveable. I’m still fun and want to enjoy life. I just don’t want to enjoy life in a world of addiction, that I thought I put to bed at age 26. That’s been the core of my anger, anxiety and hurt the past few years. It had nothing to do with the people in the grandeur scheme of things. But, the core root is that I never felt loved and anticipated rejection.
With addictions feeling like home, my second partner felt like home for such a long time. For that, I own my responsibility in this relationship and its demise. I was never ready to give up even though I looked like I was throwing in the towel. I didn’t search for a new supply or bandage to cover the wound of a potential loss. In hindsight though, I did give up and never realized it. When I gave up on allowing the addiction to rule our relationship, it was essentially over because, in my heart, I knew that it wouldn’t change. I needed to see the change in order to allow him back into my World, but it wasn’t happening. I said that to the person last night. “You see my ass? It’s huge! See those walls, I painted them all and my fat ass did it all! I had someone who could have helped me out, but it didn’t happen. Why? All because of a negotiation over addictions right up until December 18th and Tinder!” This made me giggle.
I will never talk about this person or my ex-husband again, unless it is significant to my own growth in life. I may have loved the two of them with all of my heart, but it wasn’t something that I would recommend and say “Hey! It was great to anyone!” It was addiction, it had it’s moments where some nice memories were created, but it was also draining and self depleting. That said, I’m glad both relationships happened because I now know what any healthy person should want and need as a partner in life.
I am thinking of selling this house and returning back to school. I feel that I can help families with addictions immensely through my own journey. I know I still have a lot of learn about myself, the “whys” of attachment, and how my negative reactions when the fight trauma response happens to me. After all, the only person I’m hurting is myself. We shall see. First, I need to find myself.
It’s day by day. Mental health is not something that one should ever ignore. I am going ahead full force and focusing on me from now on. No new supply and bandage for my broken heart. No searching for the one. It’s just me. True healthy love will happen when it’s meant to happen. My life going forward will be like the fireflies that I love so much. Uncomplicated, unexpected, and beautiful.
Remember, if you feel like you or a family member is in danger, reach out to your local professional or emergency clinic. You can also dial 9-8-8.