I went to a Superbowl party tonight. It was bittersweet. One part of the couple has a severe drug addiction and spent most of his time alone.
At the end of the night, I was able to speak to him. I said “You know, we all have levels of addiction. Look at me. I smoke, I drink and I’m overweight. At 51, I have a lot of deal with. The ghosts. Look at my past partner. He was so abused and everyone loved him so much even though the scars are very clear. But at the end of the day, those who love us have to let go of us or we have to let go of them because of the scars.”
I’m not scared to call an addict out, as I am one myself. I love people who are honest with their brokenness and want to try and repair themselves and love those around them better.
I spent the last three days with a wonderful man. Someone who has also been broken, but with a good heart and has had therapy for his wounds. At the end of day three, our weekend was like nothing I ever experienced before in my life. I’m not in love with this person, since I am cautious, but the connectivity on a higher healthier level is so much deeper than I’ve experienced before. The intimacy was there 100%. From day one to now, I have never been treated so well.
Will this one work? I’m absolutely 100% sure that it will not. There are subtle red flags, and I acknowledge them on both sides. However, it’s a stepping stone to understanding the care I deserve in a relationship; Something maturer and better than ever before. Being single, doing the work and being patient will bring guide me in finding life. It may be with no one in the end.
That said, I am an independent woman, but someone who deserves love. I need to make it clear from the get go so my heart doesn’t invest again into another addict looking for a secondary love to their drug of choice.
Today was bittersweet. I’ve come to realize that we are all fearful when it comes to the heart. But, if you don’t let your heart speak freely, then you’ll never get to the love you deserve. Let the past go. Those who love you, will fight for you….like any game in life. They will fight until the end.
