Last night took every ounce of energy imaginable out of me. With putting in the hard work to look deep within myself, I have really made great strides with coming to peace with much of what has happened the last five years or so. I own what I need to own about myself, and I try my best not to look outward. Everyone has their own journey and if I’m involved for only a season, then I accept that wholeheartedly. Sometimes it’s a joyful thing to let go, while other times, sadness consumes the healing.
Looking at things in a greater scope makes me realize two things about myself. I am alone and I am severely scarred. These are the two realities that I’m working on so I can move forward and have a happy life. Again, I thank GOD for my therapist.
About Last Night
Last night, my ex-partner decided to smack down my social media. He basically summarized that I was a home wrecker, a thief, a liar, and an opportunist. I just asked him kindly to stop stalking me many times in the day, and then I did a video post on TikTok saying pretty much the same. We had some back and forth via email after that.
I want to pre-empt this by saying that, deep down, this person has the most wonderful heart. Probably one of the best I’ve seen in my life. Seeing glimpses of his true heart is what gave me hope. I hated that he was given an asshole coaster for his beer or he wasn’t invited to say goodbye to the family dog. I hated that his family didn’t celebrate a new beginning for him when his past was so filled with turmoil. It is like he was a 4-year-old. I hated that he was treated so disrespectfully with that big heart of his. I only wish he could see it.
That said, in spite of his wonderful heart, I’m pretty pissed off at him at this moment, but I will not stoop to name calling like he has. He knew my door was always open for a heart to heart face to face. He just didn’t do it and blames me, which is ok. The more distance we have, the more I see things clearly. We both have avoidant attachment styles due to being so hurt differently by our previous spouses. Mix in some alcohol and it’s a complete fucking mess. It’s both our fault that it ended, but sadly, it happened. Some people come together with tragedy, while others make it worse.
I really resent the home wrecker comment. Goodness, he was separated for four years when I met him and he owned his own home. There was no “family feeling” in this home. If there was, there would have been a female touch within those walls. Just an asshole coaster on his table. I was just a good scape goat to his wife’s insecurities and loss of control over him. He was sleeping with a lesbian, not me. Maybe he called me a home wrecker that last night because he’s chatting with her again. Who knows….but it’s their issue, not mine anymore. His gain is my gain too!
I also resent the opportunist comment since he was the one who was invited to so many things, for free, because of this blog. I gave him a chance to open his heart to new possibilities by interviewing people. I I thought it would be fun as a couple. That said, in Cavendish, he pretty much ruined my good name that I built for so many years with PR companies and reps. He was hammered and wouldn’t listen to a word of caution on how to act in the presence of these people. I cringe to this day thinking about the conversation I had with the rep. Fucking alcohol. I don’t know if I’ll ever get invited to anything again to be honest. And he calls me angry…..I was 100% very calm when I knew all that I worked for was crashing down because I knew he was remorseful. I’ll just have to work harder to show that it’s a non-toxic space and I will do what I need to do to gain the respect again.
You, however, knew the moves of a partner very well. You just didn’t know how to treat people in different season’s in their life. Your greatest love is beer and probably always will be. The core of true love is showing up, being there and being intuitive enough to talk. Remember when I’d say, let’s chat when you’re sober? You couldn’t, and it’s only now where I understand the addiction. I hope one day you’re able to talk from the heart, sober or drunk. It’s actually very freeing when you can do that. Because if you can do that you can love, laugh, and truly appreciate the other person you’re with.Last Night’s Final Exchange
We do learn and that’s the funny thing about life. We learn, we grieve, and sometimes we get angry too. It’s all a part of life. I’m happy that you are very happy. Wish I could say the same. The way you treated me the months I’ve been grieving was shameful. So it’s part and parcel of that and everything that’s caused this depression.
Someday I’ll have that guy who truly knows the meaning of love. Too bad it wasn’t you, as we had a lot of excellent qualities and similarities together. Right now, I have to work on me in order to accept that kind of love.
Take care. Be happy. And please, leave me alone. That’s all I ask. You chose to let me go, so let go and be fully free to love someone else in your own way. You can’t do that watching me every day.
This morning is a brand new day and I’ve come realize that, from the get-go, I was engulfed in the most toxic environment ever. However, he’s been taught to manipulate any situation to sustain his addiction. He’s been enabled profusely where he doesn’t understand his addiction at all. I’ve seen him come at people, like he did with me last night, only to have them return to him time and time again. It’s actually a very sad realization that I’m wrestling with right now. How did I leave one person with an addiction and get so co-dependant on another with an addiction? That’s where my hard work comes into play so I never ever experience this again. Hate the addiction, not the person. This is so incredibly sad.
Addiction kills families, lovers, and kids. The future isn’t bright when dealing with someone with an addiction. One day they can be hot and the next day, they are cold. Your mind spirals wondering if you’re enough and whether you’re loved.
I hope one day he finds “the one” that he hasn’t found in his life as of yet. Someone he will care for so deeply that he will try and mend his beautiful heart. I see how much he apologizes for little things when he isn’t drinking. How uneasy he is. How inconsequential he feels. It broke my heart then, and it breaks my heart now.
That said, I deserve more than the toxic environment of addiction. The hard work now is on me. I need safe spaces going forward.