Ok so, I’m really quoting Oprah here. However, she makes sense. Ask what you want and work hard to achieve it. A stellar focus if you will.
While I’ve been struggling through this breakup, loss of lives, and regrets, I never really asked myself that question. Have you? I know in my past two relationships I’d say, “You are so intelligent, you might want to consider doing this to rise to your level of intelligence in your field.” But, I’ve never said that to me. I’ve always doubted myself.
So here it is. What I want for the next 30-40 years.
I want my family to be close again – We are struggling big time with the incredible amount of deaths in the family. It’s like we’ve all picked our corner and we come together when Elliott is with us all or an occasion. I want more of what we had years ago. Whether my ex-husband was living or not, I’d want the same. We most definately wouldn’t have gotten back together, but some semblance of family would have been nice. This is first and foremost and I have to start making a point to be more present rather than in the past.
I want a loving relationship filled with love, support and a future – Dealing with addiction during my two past relationships, I’ve come to realize that they were dead ends unless there was rehabilitation. It’s a hamster wheel. I’d love someone in my life who will paint with me, shoot photos with me, make incredible love with me, and just take chances like I love to do. I’m not opposed to drinking or pot (surprise, surprise) but in moderation. I also want someone who can switch it off and be quiet. Enjoy each other’s company. Whether it’s at our home or out at a market. We just enjoy one another immensely. I don’t want anyone with controlling or crazy ex-wives. That just causes too much friction from the get go.
I want to be a better photographer, and I want to make a living from it – I need to practice more. I need to shed my insecurities that I’m not “good enough.” Everyone has their style. Everyone has a different creative edge. I need to just believe in me.
I want to be happy – I don’t want to take happy pills to get through the day. I want to feel it all. The ugliness, the dirtiness, and the pain of death, loss, and abandonment. It’s all about personal growth and selecting carefully those who I want in my life and will enrich my life. I know I can get through this and come out better, stronger, and wiser this time around. I just want happiness.
So, my work is already in progress. I just need to work harder and smarter to achieve what I want. I’ve disposed of those who have said they don’t want me. I’ve requested that they stop watching me for my mental health. I have to make up my mind about on crucial thing that may benefit my mental health journey.
I have a gratitude list every morning. I do see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.