Life does not wait for calm. That is the part no one tells you.
We grow up believing that peace comes first and then joy follows. Life can’t simply be good until the chaos settles and decisions are made. We live on the assumption we must align our moods with what’s happening in life. That assumption is flawed and a preconceived notion from generations gone by. Boy oh boy, did I run with that for a very long time.
How Language Locks Us Into Emotional Permanence
So many of us get in victim mode and stay there for a long time. Therapy has taught me to recognize it for what it is and accept it for what it really is. We often get stuck in the victim mind set and say:
“Can’t you see I’m going through something?” rather than “I’m going through something, but give me time to absorb it and I’m sure it’ll resolve itself.”
“I’m grieving an ex, how dare you expect me to be happy at the same time?” rather than, “I need a little time to absorb this, but I’m seeing the bright side. Please don’t worry about me. It’s a fact of life and learning lesson.”
“I’m poor and there is no hope. I feel depressed. My anxiety is heightened,” rather than, “I am having an anxious moment due to finances, but I’ll figure it out.”
All of these statements put us in a state of permanence.
They lock emotion to circumstance. They convince us that how we feel right now is who we are. This persists until life improves. They frame hardship as an identity rather than an experience. And once we do that, everything slows down. Perspective narrows. Options feel limited. Hope feels irresponsible.
That mindset is inherited. It was modeled. It was reinforced. It came from generations where survival required bracing, enduring, and postponing joy until conditions improved. You did not feel better until the job came through, the marriage stabilized, the money returned, the grief softened. Until then, you waited. You endured. You stayed heavy.
Waiting for external resolution gives ultimate control to your nervous system. It tells you to put joy and happiness to sit in the back seat.
Difficult times in our life are not a pause button on goodness. They are often the very environment where clarity, resilience, and quiet gratitude sharpen their edge.
When life is loud, uncertain, and emotionally expensive, something interesting happens. Your tolerance for nonsense drops. Your priorities tighten. You stop chasing what looks good on paper and start valuing what actually sustains you. Sleep. Honest conversations. Work that matters. People who do not need a huge song and dance to be in your life.
In upheaval, the margin for self betrayal disappears. I like that statistic.
This is my Time of Grace and Saying No
In the past few months, I’ve been dealing with a friendship/romantic breakup. I also faced a bad landlord and a move this month. There were some health concerns as well. Additionally, there was another large issue. This is what led me to write this post.
I call this part of my life grace. It’s helping me see what shouldn’t be in my life. This includes family abuse, stalking, harassment, addictions and alcohol. It also helped with being overworked when it’s unnecessary. It also gave me clarity and the ability to say No clearly. Furthermore, it guided me to speak about my recent podcast.
This is where life can still be good.
Grounded. Real. Functional.
Good looks like waking up and knowing you can handle the day even if you would not have chosen it. Good looks like making decisions aligned with your values even when they cost you comfort or approval. Good looks like laughing at something small while the bigger picture is unresolved.
There is a quiet competence that forms in turbulent periods. You learn how to sit with uncertainty without spiraling. You learn how to separate what is urgent from what is noise. You learn that peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of self trust. You learn to organize your life.
You notice good coffee. The songs that land at the right moment. The text from someone who checks in without agenda. The fact that your body carries you through another day.
Hard times strip life down to its essentials. They force you to define what good actually means to you. This is instead of what you were told it should look like. They reveal your capacity to adapt, to reset your mindset, to move ahead in life without having every answer.
Life can be good while being hard. Both can be true without canceling each other out. A fun fact my therapist and I struggled with for a long time.
If you are at a point in life where nothing feels settled. That does not mean you are failing or behind. It means you are in motion. And motion, while uncomfortable, is often where growth and meaning are generated. You are allowed to say life is good even when it is messy. For God sake, say it especially when it is messy.
Because goodness is not the absence of disruption. It is the ability to stay anchored to yourself while navigating it. So, whatever you do, take a chance. Allow some happiness and gratitude to come into your life even when life gets tough. Never ever settle because of generations turbulence and patterns.
