Life is ever changing.
Our thoughts change.
The people around us change.
Our Job, Social Status, and finances change.
Our ability to be at peace is challenged each and every day.
The only thing that remains the same is our soul’s inner desires.
I’m not going to beat around the bush. It has been 3 months where I have made a vow to change my life. Changing one’s life is not easy with a husband (whose very adamant that making money, owning a home, and living the norm is the way to live) and children who are changing daily as they grow.
I want a very simple way of living. It is achievable. I want to be able to greet my kids with a smile rather than a worn out, tired, and hateful mood after driving to Toronto everyday and working an 8 hour shift. I yearn to take long drives like we used to do. To sleep in cheap motels just to get away for the night. I want to be able to sit and write with a clear mind with no worries about credit card payments, the enormous hydro bill, or the extreme fatigue I’m feeling inside.
Most of all, I want to be the Mom and the Woman I can be with the space I so need and desire. It doesn’t involve a whole lot of money, nor does it involve living in a place where the cost of living depletes every ounce of funds and energy that I have. It doesn’t involve me being a home owner.
However, I have severe road blocks to overcome….the people who are most important to me. The people who have been raised to believe that owning a cell phone is a necessity, going to a movie weekly is a need, and Internet is a be all that ends all. Our fault and the fault of many other parent’s who have reached their breaking point and want to break free.
I went to a funeral today for a 17 year old boy in Brandon’s Cadet group. He was a drum major for 4 different pipe and drum bands in the area. He was a leader in Cadets and with his peers. I seen him in action and you’d think “Man, that’s a boy that has it together!”
It was by far the saddest funeral that I ever attended. So much love for this young child and he either didn’t realize it or didn’t care at the time he took his life. Why does someone come to the point of taking their life? Helplessness? Wanting something they feel that is unattainable? Being a leader, but yearning to be a follower? Depression? Medication?
I was very tempted to speak to the Minister after and ask him why he couldn’t answer the question “Why?” to assist the children in the congregation today? Perhaps the why will assist one portion of the population to stop what they are doing, or encourage a different viewpoint in life, encourage a decrease in Internet usage, or stop the madness of depression and medication distribution from general practitioners and encourage counselling and finding your voice.
I do know that it was mentioned today that perhaps we should encourage our children to get off of Facebook and get out and live the natural beauty of life. To communicate vocally, tell those in your life that you love them and appreciate them in your life. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
We have all felt loneliness at one time or another in our life. I know that many times, with so many people surrounding me in life, I feel completely and utterly alone. I feel even more lonely now that I’m not living my best life and my yearning for the good life is so strong. However, thoughts of suicide have never entered my mind.
I do know the other day our family conversation went like this.
“Trina, why do you want to sell the house. Tell me what we’ll do after!”
“Well I don’t know what we’ll do after. Perhaps we’ll buy a new house but cheaper, perhaps we’ll move to a different area where the cost of living will allow us to live our best life. Perhaps, we can rent a townhouse. Living the best life is a chance worth taking.”
“I need to know a plan of what we’ll do.”
“Well we’ve lost our home and all our contents to a fire….and we made it with no plan AND we’re still alive. We moved to Cambridge, struggled, separated, and got back together AND we’re still alive. We’ve learned an important lesson twice that no matter what we go through, we are still alive with or without a plan.”
“We are nearing 40 and who knows what’s around the corner. You have Crone’s and I am unhappy, with small ailments that I don’t even have the time or energy to look into. Do we have to wait until one of us is laying in a casket or a hospital bed before we say “Geez, we should have taken the risk while we were well?” Is it really necessary to make drastic changes only when illness strikes or there is a death and finally we realize how precious life is? Or perhaps we’ll continue being tired and fatigued to really put interest into our kid’s and one day they are facing their darkest knight of the soul and decides to do what this young boy did? Then we’ll make some lame excuses how we were working so hard, so tired, living the norm that we didn’t see it coming? Life is not about money, career, or a big home. It’s about living from the heart and singing from your soul while were still able to live it to the fullest.”
“>Silence……I don’t think there is an easy response when we look at life in this way.