I remember so many times sitting with my pre-teen children and warning them of one thing. “If you ever get addicted to drugs, don’t come to me.” I know it’s awful for a Mother to say that, but I wanted to protect them from the dangers of drugs. I also wanted to protect myself from reliving the nightmare of dealing with someone with addiction. I dealt with it hardcore with my brother starting at age 5, until the age 26.
For years, I had stringent rules about drinking. Don’t drink alone. Don’t drink during the week. Drinking is for having fun with friends but don’t make it a habit.
Fast forward to 2018, I was faced with yet another person that I loved dealing with an addiction and here I am, self medicating myself with Rye and Diet Coke at least 5/7 nights. It’s not just a drink or two either. It’s getting bad. My therapist said we’ll keep an eye on it, but recognizing it is huge.
Today is the Day
Without getting into it, I had to help my ex-husband out this week. Yes, big bad old blog writer is doing a bad kind gesture because why? She cares and wants to see him be a success. What a mean person!
I also realized this weekend that what he did to me wasn’t intentional. Doesn’t mean that what he did was right, but he did not mean to hurt me. He never wanted me to know. He never wanted our marriage to break up but because addiction runs so heavily, he couldn’t stop. So that was a positive realization I had over the past few days.
I will never ever divulge what he did to me. It’s far worse than the words written on this blog. It’s traumatic at best. It’s his story to tell. Everyone and their dog can hate me for life, but I have a far greater story that will never leave my lips. I stay up at nights crying because of it. It makes it even harder because I am addicted to him.
But today, I made a decision. I was so angry today when talking on the phone with my son. I said to him, “Addictions killed my childhood and now it killed my marriage and my middle age. Why the fuck did this happen again?”
It was then I decided to commit myself to going to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). I went for one session in March, but I was going through so much I didn’t think it would help me. Little did I know that this nightmare would only make my mental health worse in many ways as time progressed.
I went to the meeting. It’s very similar to the 12-step programs of AA and AL-ANON. However, it focuses on your childhood and how your childhood experiences play a huge role on your adult personality and traits.
Since it’s anonymous, I have no idea what I should share, but it seemed to be a good place to start for me. I told my story to one lady, she agreed that I’m addicted to my ex-husband, and she recommended that I go to AL-ANON too as it will help me understand the behaviours of an addict and how to deal with people with addictions.
First and foremost, I need to go back to my stringent guidelines on drinking before I succumb to the devil of addiction. I have been very frugal money wise, but the ladies at the LCBO know me by name now. Not cool.
She’s a Good Woman
I recall reading a text on my ex-husband’s phone. It said, “Trina won’t leave you, she’s a good woman.” I think about that text often and wonder how bad of a woman do you have to be to value yourself as a woman, your health and sanity?
So that said, I need to take charge of my life and let him live his however he chooses. I am sad for letting go, but my kids and friends have been a wonderful support to me. I have to shake the negative “Why isn’t my partner of 30 years not supportive?” and start being grateful for the hundreds of people who have reached out to me with their stories, and my posse of amazing people around me.
I am taking this experience and making lemonade out of it. If I can help one other person get through their nightmare with more grace than me, then my job is done. Yes, I am a good woman. Fucking right I am.