Let’s face it, most marital breakups are traumatic. However, is it true that the longer the marriage, the more traumatic the breakup is? I don’t necessarily think so. We are human beings that are meant to love first and foremost. The depth of that love depends on who you are as a person. But there is another aspect of breakups. The grieving. It’s just about the worst thing I’ve ever went through in my life. We all grieve the same, but the depth is different from person to person. Some cling on to a new person immediately, while others work the healing process to the end. Some will be open to love again, while others will not.
In my last therapy session we discussed anger. Anger can often be a secondary emotion. More often than not, hurt, during a marital breakup, is in the forefront. This is the reason I wrote the blog post, Dear Ex-husband, I Thank God. We discussed me writing and being careful about what I write based on anger. None of what I’m writing is based on anger or revenge, it has been something I’ve done for years as I’ve said in previous blog posts. If you give two hoots about my stance and you want to read about my life, just search and keep reading. That’s my advice for you.
More often than not though, we see the angry side of breakups. The bitter side. The hateful side. Yes, you may see that in some of my posts, but this post will be different. This post will be about why I was married with him for 24 years, and together for 30.
There was a reason I wrote in my previous blog post that I still smiled at the persona I thought he was. Do you remember the show Everybody Loves Raymond? Well that was my ex. I was the outspoken feisty one, and he was pretty quiet and cool to be around.
He is extremely smart. With his level of education, he managed to make it to a lead management position. That’s something he should have been extremely proud of. I was extremely proud of him and his efforts. This is one reason I knew we could start all over again after moving to Ottawa. He had the smarts to find something else very quickly in order to save our family unit. Not to mention, he was very smart to outsmart me for many years. And I’m pretty smart. I guess I’m gullible when it comes to people that I love though. Lesson learned.
If I had a problem, he was the only person who I felt I could confide in. He’d ground me. Make me less angry or frustrated. He had that calming way about him. I think that’s one point of frustration for me today. Nobody understands me the way I THOUGHT he understood me.
He had a funny side too. Corny jokes and mannerisms that used to make people smile. Sometimes he took it too far with me and I’d get tired of it, but for the most part, it was all good.
He was a good Father for the most part. Was he always available? Well, I can’t say yes or no because I wasn’t the most available either. We led busy lives. I’d be Superman when the kids had issues, while he’d be my support system. So ya, I’d say he did his part.
He was indépendant. I said to a friend the other day that when I meet the right guy again, I want EXACTLY that type of person again. I wanted someone who comes home, eats dinner with me and feels OK going to do their own thing. A guy who will be accepting to let me do my own thing too. We come together but we still have individual lives as well. All that I want this time is someone honest and trustworthy too. Boy, I gave my ex 100% trust, but I will not allow his deception to not trust again. It’ll be hard, but I have to do it.
We were together for 30 years. Our family of four, was our family, according to both of us. Our extended family would visit. Some often, some occasionally, and some practically never phoned or visited. No one knows “us”, “him” or “me” like we do. The only two people who knows my ex as much or more (that’s another story) are my kids.
My perception of this guy was a good, kind hearted man, and one-hundred percent my rock. Why do you think I’m hurt? Why do you think I’m writing about this horrible situation? I wrote all those nice blog posts about him and didn’t delete one of them. Why didn’t I just delete all like most people do with their relationship photos on Facebook? Because, there was a day when my love for him was truth. However, today is a brand new day and writing is the way I heal. I so wish we could be friends. However, we will never be again. I don’t want it.
The betrayal runs too deep and his lack of compassion for my mental health, since February 17, 2019, will never be forgiven.
I so wish I could believe the things he’s told me about his health in recent months. If I believed 100% in his claims, I think I probably would have returned to Ottawa. That gut though has been working overtime since November 14, 2018. The little I shared in my previous blog post is only a tiny morsel of the information that I can see to assume otherwise.
Someone the other day said this to me.
“You may not see it now, but I’m so happy you left him. I don’t think he’s loved you or cared about you for many years. It was attachment to you, it wasn’t love. Right now you’re so sad and lost. Right now, he’s busy playing the victim.”
All I could say in shock and awe response was, “So, he’s doing ok then?”
So the truth of who I thought he was will forever be a question in my mind. I can only hope that some of it was genuine.
Alas though, I’m coming out of it the other end. I may think of the “situation” daily, I may cry myself to sleep knowing the situation I’m currently in, but “him” is long gone. A person I think I used to know but I’m not sure.
I’m off to the lawyer this week to take next steps. I’ve been 100% truthful with him (I felt we had that type of relationship). However, he decided to block me completely out of his life and has decided to kept his affairs private.
That’s ok though.
Now it’s time to worry about me and let his problems, be his own. It kills me, but he chose this, not I. I’m just letting it evolve now and no longer fighting any of it anymore. I let the pain bleed. My heart break. My panic attacks happen.
All I can say to him about the “situation” is this song…..cause not loving me, staying, and causing a huge betrayal was a pretty shitty thing to do. You killed someone. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. You should have done it all my ex cause I didn’t want to change.
What is the lesson? Keisha says my whole truth right now the beginning of this this song. I do hope your soul is changing. I wish you well.