Famous last words from a spouse who doesn’t understand the repercussions of destroying a marriage. It’s 4:30AM, I haven’t slept a wink yet. I am at peace, yet I feel I have to write this out to put my thoughts to bed forever.

On July 4th of this year, I told him that I was going to see a lawyer. My spouse asked, why are you doing this to me? Why? Hmm, well I don’t really know. Most of the people, who made it clear to me that you were done with me, encouraged it. Finalize things? To get what I deserve? But why was I doing it? Certainly not for revenge because, up until then, I always wanted the best for both of us. Today though, as I move my stuff to my parents place, apply for welfare, and look into school, my running thoughts gave me the answer.

The answer is crystal clear. You never loved me. You wasted 30 years of my life. I lifted you up to the person you became. I gave you confidence to try anything and everything because I believed in you. You have said many times, if it wasn’t for Trina, I wouldn’t have this job. You abused my kindness and love, I just never ever saw it.

Diary entry: October 6, 1990
It is 12:30 and it’s our one year anniversary. He still hasn’t called. We got into a major fight last nite. He told me to F-off in front of everyone. It made me feel small. Then walking back from his sister’s place, he blocked me. Then he grabbed me so hard I screamed. His mother heard my scream and asked what the matter was. He said nothing. He said he was going to do something to himself and leave a letter saying it was all my fault.

Diary Entry: February 22, 1993 (After spending a few months in London Ontario alone)
Well I’m back in this shitty place. I feel rotten all over again. He and I haven’t clicked at all. New Year’s Eve I expected an engagement ring, but I never even got a kiss when the clock struck twelve. I wanted to go to the Auberge and check it out, but he told me to go myself because he isn’t going back (He went a few times). What’s he hiding from me?

Diary Entry: June 16, 1993
Well on May 25th, he and I got engaged. He asked me where our land was supposed to be (on a dirt road near a gravel pit). Not too romantic, but I liked it. Really, even though I joked about this for many years, I feel that I pushed you into marriage.

May 14, 1994
I walked the aisle and people said they never saw a happier bride. You were beyond tipsy when I made it to the alter.

December 1994
I remember wrapping Dr. Spock’s Baby Book and writing

To: Trina
Love you Always: Him.

I wrapped all my presents in tears because I bought and wrapped them all. This wasn’t the only Christmas I did this.

During our Marriage
There was one time, early in our marriage, you looked at me and said, “If I had wanted you to bark, I would have pulled your chain.” What kind of a person says that to their new wife? I cried, and I’m sure I even pushed and hit you. I was so hurt.

May 14, 1998
We separated for a year. It was a mutual decision, but you didn’t hesitate to come over, get your way, and leave me crying immediately after. My car was repossessed, you bought yourself a car. We had two toddlers at the time in my custody. After all that has come to surface now, I don’t know why you ever decided to get back together with me. Why did I?

After that, I believe life was good. I’m not sure anymore though.

Year 2006
Looked at our cell phone bill and saw you calling “chat” lines. I was furious, but I believed your excuses and apologies and immediately forgave you.

September 2016
You plants 5 pot plants in our backyard without my consent. I was furious that you did this knowing how I felt about drugs. At that time, it was illegal and you put me in a position of doing illegal activity. You thought it was cute that I dowsed them with Javex. But you still jarred the ones that didn’t get hit. I smashed those too when I found them. Continuous lying and hiding.

I’m not going to go in depth but here are a few of the biggest reasons I know you didn’t love me. All of these visits, I didn’t know about until November 14, 2018

December 24, 2016
You went to a hotel as per your Google Maps. Whether you went in or not, I can’t prove. According to Google, your phone went dead from 3:34-4:11pm. I was making a big Christmas Eve feast. You were sick that night.

January 1, 2017
You went to another hotel that day. Again, not sure if you went in or not. Voice to text on Google said “My Hotel”.

July 8, 2017
We went to the Cavendish Music Festival. Our first couple’s trip without family since our cruise back in 1998. You hate country, so I told you to go tour around. You ended up at the Holiday Inn in Charlottetown. Asia was her name. I don’t know if you went in or not, but really???? On our couple’s vacation???

June 2018
I drove to our hometown because my aunt died, my dad fell down the stairs and my parents sold their home. All those hours on the road driving and you didn’t call me once. But you did email Emily looking for a good time.

July 2018
I finally got the nerve to ask you if we were growing apart. You said, never, we’re together forever. When you get to Ottawa, you were giving up everything bad. I thought you meant the pot.

August 2018
You moved me to Ottawa with so many secrets. You saw how excited I was. The opioid addiction revealed itself ONLY AFTER we unloaded all of our furniture in storage in Ottawa.

October 16, 2018
Emailed someone in Ottawa. Spent sometime at the Marriott or the apartments beside it in Kanata. Your Google Maps showed that you went to the bank first. You PC account shows you withdrew $220 from your account. When asked, you said it was a business meeting with a meal. I went to the Marriott one day, and found out that they only serve breakfast. I am still skeptical because you never proved it.

November 14, 2018
D-Day. My World came tumbling down but you had to work. Any man worth his salt would have left to take care of family business. Instead you went to The Keg. On the 16th, after two nights of no sleep, I sent you an early morning message. Your voice-to-text was this “What are you going on about now you DUMB COW?” Now you erased the dumb cow when you sent it. A good man would have been so ashamed and distraught seeing his wife so hurt and torn from his actions, he wouldn’t have even thought those words, let alone say it.

December 2018
Visited marriage counsellor. Told me to go away and think. Told you to be 100% honest. Even if you wanted to smoke pot, you had to tell me. After I hit the highway, you changed password on your Google Account immediately. You did it to get pot from Weedmaps. I went batshit crazy because you couldn’t abide by the therapist. I was going to kill myself one January night in Cambridge. My friend were scared to death. You slept.

February 17, 2019
I was beyond mentally ill. I was searching your truck almost nightly. I couldn’t sleep. I was screaming and yelling all of the time to get me out of here. I was physically and mentally distraught and I needed out of Ottawa. You wouldn’t come with me, I left.

February-Present
You knew the damage you caused, you never checked on me at all.

April 2019
You traded the truck. The truck was in my name. You knew that. Someone forged my name. Someone said to me recently, if he did that, that was the time I should have realized that you didn’t love me. It’s against the law and you should have had the respect to discuss it and get me to sign off.

April 2019
We met to sign the car in my name. You told me some things. You appeared to want to have relations. I wasn’t doing another 1998 again, where you would leave me crying immediately after. You went to Toronto to get massages with your “guy” friends at One King West, instead of doing Easter with your family (or at least me if you wanted to try). I don’t believe that.

May 2019
During our marriage, You never did anything with me. Never wanted to go out. If we drank, you said you couldn’t drink anymore because of your Crohn’s. We never went for drives anymore because of it, even though I repeatedly said I missed it. In May, when I’d reach out, you would say you were DYING because you were SOOO sick. However, my Airmiles shows that with your Crohn’s and other illness, you went to Montreal. As well, you went to a Sports bar in Montreal and left a Google review with photo drinking beer and tequila. Please tell me how in the World you changed so quickly? How could you drink, travel, and socialize with so many ailments, when you couldn’t before?

July 2019
I loaned you rent money cause you couldn’t pay it. All I got as a thank you, on July 4th, is that you were quitting your job if I looked for spousal support and that you would never want to speak to me again. You make six figures. I was unemployed, battling depression and extreme anxiety.

September-October 2019
The utilities were not paid and my name wasn’t transferred to yours because you didn’t follow through on my July’s emails instructing you to do so. I had to pay for the bills to keep you and your snuggle giraffe muffins warm. You repaid the hydro, but I’m still waiting for the Enbridge Gas.

I always thought we had this wonderful love affair. Many people envied it actually. I know now that it was only in my head. It was a figment that I tried to keep going, but I was so blinded that obviously I didn’t feel that I deserved or knew REAL LOVE. So I accepted what was.

So why am I doing this to you? Here is your answer if anyone asks. You destroyed a good woman. You should have let me go years ago. You shouldn’t have wasted 30 years of my life and lied to me. You shouldn’t have allowed someone to forge my name at Dodge. You shouldn’t have visited hotels. You shouldn’t have undermined women. You only like women for what they can give you rather than the wonderful humans that they are. You should have been loyal, faithful and caring in my time of illness, because it was your hands that caused it. You never loved me, liked I loved you.

I did love you dearly. However, I loved a man who couldn’t love a woman properly and will probably never love like a woman deserves.

I can’t wait to feel the love that I deserve. You know what I have to give to someone because I gave it all to you. However, this journey has allowed me to know what I need and deserve in return. What every woman deserves in a man. It will be a long long time before I even let a man into my life, let alone my bed though.

If people are telling you that you deserve to be happy and need to live, good for them. They obviously don’t understand the depth of what adultery and lying can do to another person’s mental state. Had you beaten me up physically, I’m sure more people would “get it”.

You know why I’m up tonight? Because there is one person who I feel the most sorry for. I can disconnect from you, but I feel sorry for our daughter the most. Really if they stand behind you, they have no regard for our daughter (and young women everywhere). That’s the sad part.

As far as I’m concerned, you need to repent first and people coddling you will only stall that. That’s no longer my problem though. I need to take care of my future and seek redemption for all my past investments in you.

It’s 6:00 AM and now I can sleep. Writing and vocalizing my point, helps me sleep. So go ahead, come after me for this too. You’ve already done enough harm to the two women in your life. Have at er.

Written by Trina Stewart

Trina Stewart is the editor-in-chief at Life's a Blog. Blogging and Social Media is her passion by night, while project management and business development fills her day.

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