After so much loss the past year, I’ve really dug deep into self therapy to discover my life’s purpose. One thing I have done is that I watched and listened to several “after divorce” movies and books. I was really taken with “Wild” and “Eat, Pray, Love.” While I’m in no physical shape, I cannot be like Cheryl Strayed who hiked 1,100 miles of the 2,663 mile long Pacific Crest Trail. That would take many months, if not years of training.
Being that I’m a photographer, my heart seems to call to Rome. A place where there is so much history, beauty and romance. I have never had the desire to head to Europe, but my vision to visit Italy is so strong. I still have to get through one hurdle before my journey of finding my life’s purpose begins.
A love for life conquers all.
My Mom’s Life Purpose
My Mom’s life purpose was and still is her children and keeping a house. She worked randomly throughout her life, but this was the purpose she created for herself. I feel she could have done so much more. Coming from a very small town, I don’t know if the set defined image of how a woman should be caused her to never fly free and find herself. From what I can remember, she was not a happy go lucky person who thrived to try new things and take on new adventures.
I can’t stand hearing her cough and choke day in and day out. My heart breaks for her. She was once a strong feisty lady. I pray daily that God will spare her the torture.
Love conquers all for her.
Lessons Learned
I have changed drastically over the past four years. So much so that when I was met with distain at my Ex’s Celebration of Life, I said nothing. I think had it been two years previous, I would have followed suit with the disrespect. I probably would have cried, snapped back or said something I’d regret. “Your amazing growth over the past few years is not worth a step back. Respect your kids and the time spent with your ex-husband.” I said to myself.
It was very surreal to be honest. I had my ex’s memorial sign in my arms to give to my daughter. I took the initiative to help them, find a printer, and brought it to the venue. The saddest part is that my daughter saw it happen. It was like it happened in slow motion. It was a miraculous moment between the two of us. A bonding of two souls. It was not humiliating, but awful enough to turn white, leave crying and swear not to return. I was pretty much pushed out and shunned like I didn’t have a heart and soul.
I met up with a friend. She is the one I talk things out with until I figure out a solution. My rock who listens. It was then that Michelle Obama’s voice came to mind. “When they go low, you go high.” “Go high Trina. Don’t cry, yell or throw a pity party for yourself,”
I jumped up and expressed that I had to return to see my children’s hard work and effort for their Dad.
We arrived and my kids did an amazing job. I was so proud of their effort, attention to detail, and the heart they put into the celebration of life. I have some amazing kids that’s for sure. They loved him so much.
As a writer who aspires to write their story as a book, I am thankful for yet another traumatic moment like this. I am proud that I didn’t end up in a corner crying in despair. Instead of going low, I went high.
I have been reviewing emails and texts the past few days. It made me realize another thing that I wrote in my previous blog. My ex did not want to see me at the end of days. He didn’t have to say it, although he said the contrary to my kids and someone else. Perhaps, it was to keep them hopeful and happy. For me, that’s 100% ok. I have lived, loved, and learned through the journey and I appreciate his role in it too.
As a writer and editor of a magazine, sometimes writing can be filled with hard truths. There are millions of books, movies, and documentaries created based on hard truths and lessons learned. Seems like all writers have had people who either learned from it or have nothing but distain because of it. In life, we always have both.
I don’t think Joyce Meyers would be where she is today if she didn’t share her history. I don’t think Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert, Cheryl Strand, Glennon Doyle and many others would be where they are today in their growth, their mindset and success without their story. I’m no different.
That’s the sad thing about hard truths. Hard truths are hard. I know. Not only did I write it, I lived it.
Moving Forward
Moving forward, it’s Mom first.
Following Mom, I will mourn and get things in place for myself, my future and my children. Then, I think it’s off to Tuscany where I have been offered a place in Barga to write my book. Oddly enough, friendships were created from sharing my story on a Facebook Group for Single Women Travellers over 50. I have also been invited for coffee in Rome, UK, and Greece. Rome is where my heart calls out to, but again, I’ve been informed that going there as a “break and a photography session”, rather than book writing, may be the best option.
Wherever life takes me, my life’s purpose will be revealed. I cannot remain stagnant with this current mindset without it. It’s been a really hard four years.
I didn’t experience what I experienced throughout my life only to end up with a case of the “woah’s me”, holding grudges and with depression. These lessons, these experiences, the sorrow, the sadness, and the good times, have put me on the path of truth and growth. I never lived my life with hidden truths, and I will continue to thrive, live life to the fullest, learn and grow from them all.
I just hope my health holds on as it is today. You just never know what life is going to throw at us next, but dreaming and goal planning is a good way to keep the mind alive.
Love for one’s self and those who love you unconditionally truly conquers all. I said it million times before, but I never included the words “One’s Self.”
Love for one’s self conquers all. Go high my friends, always go high.
Til Next Time,
T
