Written March 4th – Facebook Notes

Well it’s been almost a month since I wrote from the heart. It was truly the biggest mistake of my life as my neck is tense and cracking. As well, I’ve been experiencing excruciating headaches. I just don’t know how people can hold things in and live to tell about it. It has to be an extremely stressful existence.

You see, I’m not the biggest talker when it comes to matters of the heart but I have to get it out. Say it loud and say it proud. So here goes…I’m frustrated, mad, anxious, and feeling down right horrible lately. Taking time off from writing has caused more anxiety than what it was worth.

I’m into my 6th month of unemployment and I feel demoralized. I am a creative, intelligent and hard working individual…why is it that no one wants me? Should my resume say “Look no further!” in bright yellow highlighter? There are days when I think that I should have taken the McDonald’s job just to save face and maintain a lifestyle that we had. Realization then surfaces and I know that it was meant to be.

I went to the grocery store yesterday with a measly sixty dollars in my pocket. How was I possibly going to feed a family of four with sixty dollars? Well I managed to do it and you will not believe how pompous my thinking was when I dropped the mini carrots for 1.49 and went for the large bag of unpeeled carrots for $1.87. As silly and stupid as it sounds, I cringed at having to peel carrots again. The reason I laugh at my thinking is that it is pure snobbery how I want my life and my food on a silver platter. Realistically, it took maybe 5 extra minutes and by using my Pampered Chef Crinkle Cutter, the carrots looked just as appealing AND were just as delicious as the mini carrots. The best part of it all, I still have carrots for five more meals opposed to an empty bag in the garbage and “Carrots” on my grocery list.

This is the only vegetable I purchase pre-cut and washed. However, it was definitely a turning point to go back to the old way. It was enlightening how much my thought process had changed over the years as well.

Cut backs…well this has been the biggest stress in my life. I barter my gym and tanning membership for my services au grata. I have also cut back on driving the kids to and from school. No more sporadic purchases when things go on “FABULOUS” specials despite the fact that my BBQ has finally died after 11 years. I bake everyday instead of buying the processed junk. Although these changes have given me much stress, I realize each and everyday how spoiled our family truly is. Juggling the budget week by week is a real treat. A treat that only escalates the cracking in the neck and the headache.

I also realized that since the kids started school and I was laid off, our routine is now shattered. Christina gets a drive, where Brandon walks. Christina doesn’t take a lunch, where Brandon still wants a big lunch. I have been trying to teach the kids some independence but even that has been quite the struggle. I realize that I spoiled them rotten over the years. The biggest stress with the kids is that I question where this whine came from. I’ve lived with these children for 13 years and never heard this horrible whine in my life????

My writing course and writing on demand isn’t an easy feat. This course is so interesting that I could go every night just to listen to the professor. However, I end up with writer’s block the majority of the time. I am a “real, from the heart” writer, not a poet or a short story fiction writer. My words hit the page but they are weak and uncontrolled. I try using writing prompts, but my stories are truly horrible. I hope that gets better overtime.

Pampered Chef, well it’s something but it won’t bring me great riches. It’s more stress than fun. I love the product and if I can accumulate some free product over the year, great. If not, then I’m not putting all my money, time and effort into a basket that won’t happen. I need to make a certain number a month and so far, well I’m off a few thousand dollars.

If I could open a Pampered Chef store with a cooking show section then I’d sell the product hand over fist. I love the product, I just don’t love the network marketing with my current friends. My friends are for laughs, happiness, tears, and sorrow…not for selling them a concept or idea which pressures them or scares them away from the real reason of why were friends.

So here I sit, with stress around my neck and a headache that won’t disappear. I need a break. A break from my house, a break from thinking about spending every moment hunting out jobs through the WWW, a break from reality.

I’m considering getting away for a few days and going back to Gaspe. Of course, this is no budget friendly venture but I think it may be something that I have to do. I can visualize a hectic drive as I have only made that trek once in my life all alone. It’s about a 20 hour drive, and with two teenagers it could be more. I just want to smell a different smell, view the beauty of why we are on this earth, and to feel like I’ve stepped away from my life for a brief moment to gain perspective.

Of course, I’m undecided right now and I have to weigh the cost/benefit of this thought. All I know is that my life has to return to some normalcy again and feeling the way that I do, I can’t see that happening anytime in the future if it continues.

All I can say is Recession sucks, EI sucks and most of all, not having something that’s truly all mine is down right deplorable.

If you are in this situation, I want this note to give you solace that you are not alone. I need something good to happen. Something that will bring that sparkle and ambition back into my life.

Peeling carrots?? Not a big deal.

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