I have finally cracked open the book A Course in Weight Loss, by Marianne Williamson. I have one problem. I can’t get past the first exercise.
I tried doing this exercise numerous times and realized that all my life, I have had a huge wall around myself. The more I thought about why I couldn’t do it, the more stifled and suffocated I felt inside. To most people, I’m the happy go lucky cheerleader who is always encouraging other’s to live their best life; smiling, laughing, joyful. However, as soon as anyone gets close to me, the wall comes up faster than toast in a toaster. I just can’t let anyone in completely.
I am assuming that I am not the only one in this world with this wall. I am assuming that we all have our own individual reasons for putting this wall up piece by piece.
Once I realized how big this wall actually is, I also come to the conclusion that many of my dreams cannot be met if I don’t take this wall down. I am understanding that it’s not my weight that’s the issue (really I want to lose weight so my feet won’t hurt anymore) but a whole new can of worms that must be worked on.
First and foremost is to stop ignoring my feelings, fears and faith. It wouldn’t hurt if someone else is put aside so I can address myself. I cannot be all that I can be if I’m busy focusing on other’s feelings, fears and faith. My kid’s and spouse will survive if I tell them that I have needs to and relinquish some of the daily duties to them. My parent’s will survive if I notify them that staying with me a month is overkill and not good for our daily family dynamics.
Negativity. I surround myself listening to other’s negativity and trying to solve it. Once they’ve gone their way, I’m emotionally drained. I have no desire to do anything for myself.
So here goes: Exercise One in the Course of Weight Loss.
Say it loud and say it proud.
I am ashamed of my life. My ability to fully get a handle on my money. I am ashamed that I hate working for someone else. I feel like I am compensating my happiness when I am forced to work to keep my home financially secure. I am ashamed that I have brilliant ideas but do not utilize these ideas for the betterment of my dreams, my family, my financial security. I am only brilliant when I’m working for other people which allows them to prosper financially.
I am angry at most of the people in my life. I tend to find a friend and if they don’t work for my happiness I cast them out of my life rather than allowing them to be a piece of my life. I am angry at my mother for being so “perfect” or her version of it. I am angry that no matter what I do, it’s never appreciated by her. I can sense her feeling that I am a failure because I’m not slim enough, not good with money, and not worried all the time about a perfect home. I am angry that my father stayed with her all these years.
I am angry that I hold dear, all of my addictions. I cling to the undesirable actions (smoking, eating) and do not embrace the good (recent physical training, eating properly and healthy)
I am afraid of not being liked. I am a fantastic supervisor but it’s always in the back of my mind that if I take it to extremes I will not be liked.
I haven’t forgiven my brother and my parent’s for disrupting my childhood. His drug abuse was over the top. My parent’s drank all of the time and they fought constantly. However, being overweight was far worse than having a drug or drinking issues.
I judge my husband for complying to the norm. I love him so much, but we are so different when it comes to free living. I firmly believe that his battle with Crone’s Disease is due to living the norm. Make as much money as you can and you will be a success. Your health doesn’t matter.
I feel disdain for my mother. She believes that a perfect figure is the solution to all problems. She’s started on my daughter and it’s really bothering me.
I am responsible for my family’s health. My children are overweight and it’s all my fault. We learn from our influencer’s and I’m the greatest influence in their life. My children are lazy, just like Mom. My children have no ambition and I hope that my disdain for working for other’s isn’t hereditary.
I feel so pressured to make money rather than living the best life.
I am exhausted because I think all the time rather than just doing it.
I am burdened by bills. I am burdened that I will never get a handle on my finances. I am burdened that I will become ill because of my weight. I am burdened that I will die early in life.
Suddenly I realize that there is so much more to write and I believe that now that I’ve started writing about it to you (my greatest forte) the remainder must be done in the privacy of my journal. I just had to find my outlet to get it started, which is and always will be my blog to the world.