I am feeling rather melancholy today.  I have three thousand things going through my head and absolutely no focus.

I was so proud of myself when I was accepted into college last week until an abrupt trip to Gaspe, Quebec took place.  Upon our return, as a family, we discussed other options that may be beneficial to our family and extended family.  My direction and focus on life went a little topsy turvy again.

As it would be nice to go back to school, funding it is an issue.  It’s not only the tuition that I have to worry about but also getting the bills paid and children fed.  I see no other option but to work and go to school simultaneously; a task I couldn’t achieve in better days of mind, body and soul.

Perhaps selling our house and moving further East would allow us to be closer to our extended family.  The further East you go, the cheaper the cost of living is as well.  Why not wait a year and apply at a college out East if all goes well?

Or perhaps, I should stick with what I am doing.  After all, I do it well.  Why do I desire more?  Is a dream really worth juggling all the balls of life, including school, for two years?  I think so and I’m willing to do it.   However, I’m sure the credit card and mortgage companies will beg to differ.

Decisions, Decisions….but good ones.  It means that I have options.  It means that I’m not my friend who doesn’t have any other option but to wait and receive chemotherapy for brain cancer.

As well, there is nothing more in this world that I would love more than to see Lady Gaga at the Much Music Video Awards on the 23rd.  I have lost hope in winning the H&M MMVA Fashion Blogger because realistically, I’m not the girl that they are looking for (unless they are starting a Plus Size division).  It’s fun to try and to dream, but reality knocks us down a few steps as well.  With that said, I am proud of who I am.  Sure I’d love to lose the weight, but it’s taken me 20 years to finally be satisfied with being me.  Therefore, I’m not concerned or hurt that it’s highly probable that H&M won’t select me.

I hope that I’ve inspired teenage plus size girls to just do it.  Take chances and break the barriers.  Who cares if they say YES or NO, what matters is that you stuck your neck out and tried.

Life just isn’t life if you’re not living your dreams.  I’m sure that some day my dreams will become reality.  It may happen in September or it could happen September 2012 and I’m fine with that.  Along the road, all I can hope for is health, happiness, and prosperity.

One thing for certain, I will make it memorable.

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