I have had one hell of a week. Since I made my commitment to get healthy my life has been in constant turmoil.
First and foremost, is my past. In my 20′s I struggled to leave the past behind. I was filled with anger and rage. I was always a nice girl who did anything for anyone. I always played a distant fifth in my own life. Since the age of 5, I was surrounded by alcohol, drugs, and the fear of getting hurt. Little did I realize, that albeit physically fine, I was being emotionally scarred each and every day.
In my thirties, my rage and anger subsided. I became a pretty mellow woman with a lot on her mind and even more to say. However, I still was and am a distant fifth in my life.
This is what my road to health has taught me so far. Imagine being like this, having this whacked way of thinking:
“You start off your day happy and ready to take on the world. You are great at everything you do because you carefully select what you are willing to do that will bring out the best in you. Expectations from people (family, coworkers, and superiors) are high because you are an over achiever. It’s the only thing that you can truly hang your hat on and feel proud about. You work your a** off. However, when one person tries to get a little too intimate, a huge steel wall comes dropping down suffocating you so much that it refuses to allow you to be open to the wonderful possibilities in life.
You never say I love you even though everyone knows that you love the people in your life more than anything. If frustration arises within the household, you are the first one to get to the bottom of it to try and resolve the issue. Solitude and happiness is what you crave.
To the person that hurt you all of your life; made you hear things that you didn’t need to hear, see things that a child should never see, and told you “You can’t do that” all of your life, you are cold and distant even though they love you in the only way they know how. The wall is even greater as the lunacy increases with every word said when they are near. You feel so guilty for feeling this way but you simply don’t want to hear anymore of the drama! You are done with the drama that this relationship has fueled itself on for 39 years.
Anyone who remotely resembles the person that has hurt you the most becomes the nemesis. Again, a person who brings out the worst in you. Whether its child or superior, you become intolerable to their ways. That big steel wall crashes down around you even quicker in their presence.
There comes a point where the beginning becomes the end. Your heart aches and you have this horrible feeling that because of the way you’ve treated yourself and have allowed others to treat you, you are destined for a heart attack if the lunacy continues. You scurry in panic looking for savior, but no savior can be found. You must accomplish this on your own, just as you have accomplished being a do-gooder for everyone else and an accomplished over achiever.
Your weight, your addictions, and your depression comes to surface. You hate yourself because you know better! Again, you look for a savior, but the savior is within. Where is that fucking savior????”
I know that many will read this and say “What the hell is wrong with her?”, while a few will relate to the extreme lunacy of addictions and unresolved issues. It’s OK to say, just do it, but until those issues are resolved, it’s a vicious circle. I do have to be grateful that my addictions are few but also very dangerous as I age.
Like I said, I have to find that savior inside of me. I’ve come so far with the life that has been handed to me. The past may be far behind me, but once it raises its weary head in another form, the past comes rushing back as quickly as a tsunami washes away a village. It’s draining, fatiguing and I’m very unsure if it will ever go away.