The happiest period of my life. So full of hope, joy and love

It doesn’t matter that he consumes my thoughts day and night now, what matters is that he consumed my thoughts when we were together. That’s commitment.

Bare with me here. It’s been a long time since I’ve written from the heart and my grammar will be WAY off base I’m sure. You see I’m writing to heal. My purpose is to move forward, not to hurt anyone else in the process. I need to make that abundantly clear.

Change of Life

Last year, I can honestly say I was at my happiest ever. I lost 90 pounds, I did a lot of self discovery about myself, I was about to celebrate 25 years married, and I adored each and every one of my friends. But most of all, my husband and I were moving on to our next stage of life. The empty nesters and we chose a super exciting way to celebrate this.

My husband had a few opportunities that would allow us to move further East. We chose Ottawa. In April of 2018, we started the process of selling our home. Little did I know that the small signs I was seeing was about to tear my life into shreds. I thought he was just sick or burnt out. However it was so much more.

One of the main aspects I’d like you to remember to this whole story is that I was willing to give up all of my personal goals and aspirations for this new exciting adventure that was mainly to benefit my husband. I handed the wheel over and gave him the opportunity of advancement, while I was going to wing the rest of my life. I knew I could do it and wasn’t scared of the challenges I’d certainly to face to rebirth my own existence. I was strong, confident and a winner.

Today, I’m terrified, I hate the hand that was dealt to me, and I don’t have the drive in me like I did last year.

July 2018. I used to love to Instastory my life. I was such a happy person.

Love Conquers All

There isn’t much to say about the preparation of our move. There was a lot of work to do to sell the house. My husband spent much of it sleeping and I spent much of it worrying about his health. I also spent a lot of time with friends as I knew the day would come where I wouldn’t be seeing them on a daily basis anymore. That made me sad, but I was so excited to start my new life with my husband. Love conquers all and no matter how much loneliness I would experience without my kids and family around, he is all the mattered in the end. He was my rock, my salvation, and ultimately my best friend. I dedicated and vowed to spend my life with him.

On the way to Ottawa, we stopped. My husband was extremely emotional and told me that if I wanted to go back to Cambridge alone that he’d understand. I was baffled. I couldn’t understand why he’d say something like that. Maybe it was my heartfelt goodbye to my friend the night before. The only thing that ran through my mind was, “does he think I’m a lesbian?” Again, I reinforced that I only wanted him and that I’m so proud of his accomplishments. We are in this together til the end. Love Conquers All.

Arriving in Ottawa

We brought our furniture to Ottawa to put in storage and look for an apartment. It all happened so very fast that we did much of it ass backwards.

While sitting in our motel room, my husband had something to reveal to me. He had an addiction. I knew that he smoked a copious amount of pot for many years. It was something I hated, but I turned a blind eye to it. It was no lie to anyone that I was terrified of drug and alcohol abuse, but that’s another blog post on my road to healing.

I was furious. Why did he wait until now to tell me? All those days packing and wondering if he was having a heart attack or a burnout came rushing back to me. How foolish was I? If I would have known this, I wouldn’t have moved to a strange place. I felt so alone.

However, he assured me that it was the end. This move meant he’d be changing his ways and getting clean. I guess I believed him because I continued to look for an apartment and prepared for our second part of the journey, which was moving my parents from their hometown to Ontario. I felt so blindsided. Why bring all of our life up to Ottawa and reveal this now? Why not give me the opportunity to decide to stay in Cambridge or go with this news?

A Little Marital Break to Gain Perspective

While I was furious with my husband, I had a lot on my plate. I asked him to stay in our hometown for a week so I could think. I took my parents up to Ontario and told no one about this new revelation that changed my life.

We were staying at friends so from September 1 to September 14th, we spent little time together. The first week he was away in our hometown. He managed to secure an apartment in Ottawa on his way back and that meant I would be moving on September 15th by myself while he completed his work in Cambridge. His official moving date was October 1.

Final Moving Day to Ottawa

Although this current turmoil we were facing was devastating to me, I was still very excited to start a new life. For me. For us, I wasn’t sure. Could I get past an addiction after my whole family knowing that I was so against drugs? Again, another blog post in the making.

I arrived in Ottawa for good September 15th, 2018. He slept while I unpacked. I was not amused and wondered if he was still using. He said he wasn’t, and I don’t know if he was even today. I guess you could say though that I moved on from this. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad. I just wanted my husband back and I needed to find a way to forgive him and move forward.

We also had unexpected visitors on September 16. My parents were dropped off and I was left to tend to them. I was beyond myself angry. I was dealing with addiction, a new city and now my aging parents. I was losing it quickly.

It took a few weeks and one trip to Cambridge for me to come to him and say, I am ready to move forward if you’re no longer using drugs. I believe that day was October 28th. Giving up an addiction is not easy. I should have known better. The strong drugs may have disappeared, but anything that suppresses your emotional state can be an addiction. Yes, even pot.

November 14 – The Day My World Fell Apart

November 14th was like any other day. Walk the dog, sit in my new apartment looking for work and throw a few texts to my husband and friends. I was getting anxious and I wanted to work so bad. Most of my time was spent taking photos and walking around Ottawa. That day though, I did something I have never done in my life. For the first time ever, I put his android tablet in my hand and opened it up. Little did I realize that what I was about to see and read would completely destroy me and the marriage I thought I knew.

Hours after finding out the most devastating news of my life. November 14, 2018

I am going to end this blog post here and continue much more in depth. I feel that so many women and men can be helped by reading every feeling I experienced. Although I do not suffer from PTSD, I can feel every morsel of emotion seven months later. I am not going to get into details of what happened thereafter, that is his story to tell. My story is about my journey and how traumatic it has been for me. How my husband, who I loved so dearly and gave it all up for, was gone. Non-Existent. How our marriage was a beautifully package facade that people admired and I adored.

This song, Walls come Down by Meghan Patrick, clearly explains the feelings I had. While I’m so angry and hurt at my husband, I truly believe the devil arrived in our home without me knowing it. The devil took my wonderful husband away from me. The devil stole my life.

Meet Psycho Trina

I’m going to introduce you to a side of me that you may or may not have within you. Her name is Psycho Trina. I named her and I have no problem opening up about this new side of my personality. My therapist hates the name but I’m keeping it. She scares the shit out of me at times, but I’m finding through therapy that’s she’s not so bad. I have zero to hide in my life and this new personality trait has fought to keep me alive during the most traumatic experience of my life. Yes, I really mean it. She is the feeling and justice side of me.

Here is some songs that I listen to when I’m in Psycho Trina mode.

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