He says “I never did anything Trina. You have not been an angel too.” An oxymoron, and actually he said angle, not angel, but I got the message. No, I haven’t been..in his eyes. I’m up again well past midnight, as I have been for the past 316 days. Almost a year, brokenhearted, torn apart, and a little manic because of his inhumane ability to think of another person’s heart. No other reason than that. Fuck, why can’t heartbreak be like a paper cut? It stings like a bitch for a few days, but amazingly it disappears.

I was watching The Handmaid’s Tale tonight. The show is set in a dystopian future, where women are forced to live as a concubine under a fundamentalist theocratic dictatorship to solely bare children. It’s a day to day living torture for these women. Some stay silent, while Offred, the main character, is slowly working to fight the system, with persistence and courage, in order to reunite with her Daughter.

I wrote a phrase that the main character Offred said in one the episodes. I think I’m only on Season One. I had an ah-ha moment.

This is a story I’m telling.  I must be telling to someone.  There’s always someone, even when there is no one.  I will not be that unspoken girl locked in a box.

Offred, The Handmaiden’s Tale

The ironic thing about this is so am I. Instead it’s not fiction. It’s very real. It’s my every day living torture to find peace in this new life I’m living and didn’t ask for.

I will not be that unspoken brokenhearted. I will not be chained to silence, like so many of brokenhearted feel obligated to do.

Trina Stewart

Life is Short

Tonight, I found out that my youngest first cousin, on my Dad’s side, passed away. Thirty-eight years old. This made me very sad. I haven’t spoken to her in years. However, for many years, we were very close. She even read at my wedding.

Life is short, embrace the people in your life, and don’t worry about the superficial.

Today, I had to shamefully ask to break my apartment lease, as things didn’t turn out as planned. I did not find employment quick enough. I have enormous lawyer’s fees now. I must go live with someone to survive.

Life is short, do as you must to survive and keep going. Don’t be ashamed.

Today, I had dinner with my son. We had a great discussion, which assisted with lessening my worry and today’s meltdown.

Life is short. Put your problems in God’s hand. If you can’t help someone with problems, put it in the hand’s of someone who can.

Today, I had my first major sober meltdown, twice. I broke my Scentsy and got wax all over the wall. I also broke down, screamed, cried and threw the ladle filled with spaghetti sauce against the wall.

Life is short. Fuck it. Do as you must to get it out.

Today, I am still mending a broken heart. Here I am past midnight. I am filled with ‘what ifs’, anger, worry and shame that my life is officially falling apart.

Life is short. Yes, I truly believe you can die from one now. But, life goes on. Fuck it. I’m going to tell my story because there’s always someone, even when there’s no one. More spouses should. Maybe there will be more human decency, where the spouse puts their partner’s face in front of them when confronted with temptation.

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