I met this fella last year on Tinder. In fact, he was the first person that I met after my separation. Our first interaction was
“I don’t text, I’d rather talk on the phone.”, he said.
“I’m charging my phone, give me a bit.”, I responded nervous and doubtful.
“You know you can talk on the phone while charging it.”
And that was that, three hours later we decided to meet up. Two toxic souls looking for company. After nightly phone calls, a million “Go F yourself’s, and weekly visits, here we are, about eighteen months later, finally saying goodbye to one another. We both knew it.
It would be a lie to say this was a whirlwind romance. It was far from it. It “was what it was” for a short time, but it turned into a super friendship based on trust, honesty, and caring for one another. But whatever, I learned so much from this friendship about myself. I learned so much from this friendship about romantic relationships and marriage. I learned a lot about men too.
Dear Mr. F,
This is my final letter to you to say thank you. Thank you for being so kind when I finally revealed the details of my breakup and not throwing me out for bawling my eyes out. Thank you for being that man who was there for me when someone else should have been the recipient of the brunt of my anger, tears, and sadness. Thank you for not saying “Stop calling him.” , while I was in your company. (You really should have because I was being REALLY disrespectful.)
Thank you for being patient and understanding. Thank you for always reaffirming, time and again, that I’m only a few months out of a long term relationship.
The significance of our relationship will always be in my heart. You were there to help me grow and learn during a hard time. You were also there to show me that letting go is so tough; some people have the strength to do it , while others will go years holding on to the last piece of thread. I want you to know that I hold no hatred or anger in my heart. I only have excellent memories, although we did argue a lot.
Here are some of the things you’ve taught me and you probably never knew it.
Control is Lethal
By knowing you, I have come to learn that I can decide for myself. I started off this relationship as this controlling ex-wife that didn’t want to move on, but was forced to. No one likes to be forced to do anything. We fight letting go, until we have to accept it.
When I saw first hand how toxic control was, it was then that I took a hard look in the mirror and realized that I didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to be that person who forged ahead and made happiness in a whole new way. There was absolutely no way to hit rewind. What was done was done, and he wasn’t returning.
The Heart Knows What it Wants
By knowing you, I have learned so much about men. Each and everyone of them are different in their own way. Being a friend of yours, I know that we couldn’t have been anything more. We weren’t bringing out the best in ourselves, but then again, maybe we were? We were drinking buddies who loved talking, listening to country music and having fun.
Our friendship ending shows what the heart wanted for you. I hope year six is the charm. But, never forget that I came into your life in year four point five and one lady after. I was NEVER the problem. I’ll hold my head high on that fact.
With my breakup, and now you, I thank God for both unanswered prayers. One prayer being that I wanted him back so much for such a long time. The second prayer (that I seriously dreaded coming soon) was that you’d come to my kid’s wedding as my escort. I think that wouldn’t have been a good idea for myself or for you.
There is so much life out there for both of us! I thank God I can move on knowing that.
Friendship is Forever
I have said to you timelessly that I only want forever friends in my life. People who are honest, fearless, brave, and dedicated. You’ve made me realize that people do come in passing to teach you things. From our Tinder Cheese Fondue date, to a shitty motel in London, to picking pot plants and looking at one another and saying “What the hell, we don’t smoke it and it’s cold, let’s go in and drink”, I realized a long time ago that you were a passing thing.
Something I’m Good At
I found my passions and personality by spending time with you and your continued support/encouragement. Oh, by the way, some of my class members wants you as a model. Your face is well defined and so is your body. They (and my professor) wants me to submit your photo for the yearly competition. If it ever gets into a gallery, I’ll share the profits via etransfer (wink). I’m not stopping my course because of a few small minds. I intend on working it until the end!
If I can give you advice, it would be to be who you want to be. February 2021, you will be 50. You are a good man with a lot of love to give and tons of fun. I’m happy I gave you self-confidence during that photo shoot. I just hope you continue looking for things that you are good at and you rip those notes OFF the fridge and be whomever YOU want to be.
There is a Difference Between Sex and Love
You can have sex with many, if you don’t love someone. However, you are not in love, if you can have sex with other people.
Love is far greater than the bedroom; it’s the honesty, trust and respect. It’s those components of being in love that prevents one from straying. Stay on course. Right now, love is the last thing on my mind.
That said, now that I think about it more, you can still love someone, know it’s over and have sex.
Daughters
Thank you for reaching out to my daughter when her and I were fighting. It takes a pretty cool person to do that when you also put up with listening to me crying over my stupidity that caused it.
I want my daughter to emulate the goodness in me after all that she’s been through. The past few months, I do not want her to emulate anything about me post-divorce. I want her to be a strong woman, who can fend for herself; a man is secondary. However, you showing that you cared about my family was so appreciated. It was nice to see a man on “team us” cheering our relationship forward.
Cheers to our daughters and families.
Some People Do
You, my friend, are everything I wanted in an ex-husband. You have encouraged me to continue the battle by showing and saying that men who respect their kids and ex-wives simply need to do what they need to do, no matter how much it sucks. It’s the law.
I know you know that I’m not the problem in your life; no one is. The problem runs far deeper than that, and we both know what it is.
I ask one favour of you, please don’t call or text after reading this. The neat thing is that I know you will read this carefully, unlike someone else I had in my life. That, in itself, is a gift.
Seriously, when I’m done, it’s done. It has always been that way. I will never chase a man, a friendship, or a relationship ever again.
I ask you that you move ahead and try for the millionth time to put it all together. I want to see you do what you need to do to make it the last time of “trying”. When I’m alone on Monday or Wednesday, I don’t want you to be alone, because being alone every night of the week is a sign of being “single”.
However, if it doesn’t work this time, end it for good. People deserve more than half ass relationships, notes on the fridge stating what you can and cannot say, and, well, you are well aware of the BIG problem.
It’s the BIG problem that is never asked of you. Someone or something will always be the “bandaid” problem to keep you together and not rock the boat. You need to take care of the BIG problem yourself.
I believe in you though……I believe you may be the man that I wanted to see almost two years ago, when I first heard this song and prayed. I left and nothing changed, except for the silence. So, I said goodbye.
I believe that you may do it for love, and for that, I take you with me in my heart, pray for you and thank you for the wonderful times we had together. Because…..some people do, and I’m cheering for you from afar.
