I had such an amazing few weeks! My Photography program is going amazing and I’m following my dreams. As far as the divorce goes, I believe we are both content where we are in our lives today, and that is great. The choice was right in the end no matter how hard I fought against it. Closure is good. Happiness is GREAT!
We went to court to finalize the separation and, overall, it was good too. It wasn’t finalized unfortunately, but it appears that things are progressing well.
In true form, like throughout this gruelling process, I’m on it! I contacted my sub-contractors, who I used during my business stint and they are all in to assist me. I had an amazing therapy session last Thursday, and she is all in too. Of course, my friends are all in. My strength. My true soul mates. I love you so.
I’m happy for the continued relationships I’ve fostered over the years.
My Mama and The Repercussions of Divorce
This song says it all. My Mother has had a huge issue with my separation. I think the whole episode hurt her more than anyone realized. She never complained about her ailments, but she was fixated on me, my well being, and what happened. I think she harboured a lot of shock and hurt too where, one night last month, two ulcers ruptured. The bed was full of blood and it was up to me to get her to safety. It was traumatic to say the least.
I made a vow to myself that I’d try to be happier, when I’m not. I will stop being selfish and try my best to put my best foot forward so we can all move on. It’s been a much happier household since then. So, it was a blessing in disguise, even though she’s still very much in recovery mode..
I’m Going to be a Grandma!
Receiving the news that I was going to be a Grandma in February was shocking and amazing. My Son is going to be a Daddy!! However, when I was told that, I had to smile, laugh and then walk away.
My daughter said “I thought you’d cry in happiness”. I asked her to give me a moment. I explained that I felt selfish and that moment and that it was so wrong of me to feel that way. THIS is what my next step in life was supposed to be and I so wanted that counterpart that created my son to celebrate with me. In the end, I shook it off as it really isn’t my loss if you look at the bigger picture. I was joyous, kissed the kids and went to my friend’s house, made a drink and shared the news. They knew my son for years, and it was AS joyous as sharing it with a significant other.
I’m so excited and I can’t wait until February. I’m all about family and I’m gonna love this baby to death.
Torn but Settled
Ah love…..what the hell is it anyway? Will I ever feel it again? I don’t know. I’ve got this friend. It’s all so confusing. We talk for hours. We talk and debate about everything. We don’t have relations beyond a great friendship. I find myself asking “Why don’t I have feelings for him?”
I am also seeing an old friend. It’s a rare thing, but we talk often too. I like him more than the above guy, but it’s still not anything more than a temporary physical attraction. He too is so nice and genuine. Why don’t I have stronger feelings for him?
I feel like I’m a stone.
My therapist and I had a little conversation about this. She believes that I was so invested in my family unit that I will have another phase of healing after this whole court thing is done. Super….**insert sarcasm**
She claims that I am mentally unprepared to feel love or emotional attraction until this process is done. Makes sense, but I’m doubtful I’ll ever feel love again. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever trust myself wholly with anyone again and I’m quite content by myself because I TRUST myself.
Friends with benefits is fine with me, especially when it’s better than I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
Working on Myself
You know, I’ve had a lot of growth over the past eighteen months. I remember a time where I wanted to kill myself. I remember wanting to die. I remember not wanting to wake up in the morning.
Sure, I have a few days a week where I ask myself “Why did this happen? Why didn’t he love me enough? Why am I back here? Why am I a 47-year-old woman living with her parents?” But overall, I think that’s absolutely normal and eventually I find myself shaking my head and asking why are you wasting time on the past, when you can be anything you want to be right now? It is at that point, I’ll do something out of this World, that represents the new me that I aspire to be; free-spirited, uninhibited, honest, yet trailblazing.
This weekend, I did nude shots of someone. I had a participant and I needed to do a backlit shot. So, why not? My class and professor LOVED them. I didn’t get the old-fashion judgemental comments like, why would you ever do that? Aren’t you ashamed to do that? Nope, I feel fucking free as a bird and my class are the type of people I want to be around. Free spirited thinkers.
I didn’t achieve the assignment criteria of completely backlit (the shoot was over 2 hours with a lot of food and drink), but I will be using them for something else. It feels so good to be completely uninhibited, judgement free, and somewhat selfish. I am single and I love it!
I’m also happy that most dudes my age aren’t looking for a long term relationship. No cling ons. Just me.
In order to be an artist, you have to go further than the “human nine-to-five” box most people build for themselves. You simply can’t hide your art and your talents. So other people’s judgements simply have to roll off your back. Critique though, is highly appreciated.
Moving Past Divorce and Living Life
I am working on Real Estate Photography, and I have a new Instagram account solely for my photography work. Follow me at Trina Stewart Photography.
I am really working on getting healthier. I gained a ton of weight but I have come to realize that I love myself at any size. Good men don’t seem to be discouraged by it. My friends don’t judge me. However, I want to do it again for ME.
I will always fight for me. What’s fair for me. What belongs to me. What I deserve. I will never again give that power away to anyone. I want to be philanthropic, but the word NO is tightly nestled in my vocabulary now. I have learned that even people who claim or DO love you will try and snatch a piece of you if you allow it.
My daughter told me at one point that I was “Too Hard to Handle” at times. I told this to my therapist and I concluded by saying “But I like that about me and no matter what she or any of her relatives think, fuck em.” She laughed wholeheartedly. Why do I like that about me? Because, it’s honest, real, transparent. People know where they stand with me without question.
It’s so funny because so many people in Today’s world can’t handle too much. They block people to avoid conflict rather than resolving it, hide their lives with the World while sharing it for attention, they claim that they have “private lives” while they are secretly starving for something more, and they live in a bubble to prevent judgement of others. Whatever, whatever floats your boat is fine with me, while I continue to be too hard to handle, transparent while being 100% ME. Let your freak fly I say.
I am working on a letter to my MPP and the Superior Court of Canada. I feel that in family law, there is so many injustices for men and women. Infidelity is simply not breaking the marriage apart. It’s breaking a person, taking away their livelihood and sense of worth, creating mental health issues, and destroying a family. Aside from the emotional and financial aspects, there is also chasing the money, exorbitant legal fees and ridiculous episodes in court where you have to stand up for yourself. This experience made me realize just how sorry I feel for those women/men who chase their ex for child support. I get it now, and it’s not fair to the guardian or the children.
I am so proud of the new me and the mountains I have climbed. I’m living my life, I have nothing to hide, I post on social media freely and I’m enjoying the ride.
I hope that as each day passes, you’re living your best life and being proud of your own growth! Until then, God bless you and the journey you’re on. There is light….there will always be light if you let it in.