I have been super busy this week with school assignments. However, with a lot of focus on inspiration to make my photo projects shine, I really did think about the word “love” a lot.

This is a project I created this week. It was to display how love is a gamble and a chance to take. It just wasn’t hitting the mark, until I chose those three words. Love encompasses all three components. Love is life. Love is taking a chance. Love affects our future.

The meaning of love can be either a noun or a verb. It’s a thing or action. But simply put, as a verb it means To Hold Dear.

I know at my wedding, the verse Corinthians was read. Love is patient and kind. (I won’t look up the verse because that memory is a thing of the past.)

I have true love for my children. That love runs deep. I’ll do anything for them. I’d die for them. I will take my last dime to help them if they need it. I will do whatever I can to help them grow, learn, and shape their lives. I will not guilt them with my poverty. I have a coin jar started to ensure that I can help with my new grand baby.

What is Romantic Love?

The craziest thing is that I have no clue. I have a feeling that I’ve built such a huge wall that I am being perceived as the person who will not love deeply; even though I do. I do it well on paper, just not in person. So, if you see the real me, it’s quite the compliment.

I have learned a lot about myself through one relationship. One, that I can’t take my mind off of. It’s driving me batty trying to figure myself and my feelings of loss out.

With that person:

  • I could be who I wanted to be.
  • I could feel like I’m home.
  • I could say what I wanted to say.
  • I could tell them anything I wanted to share (right down to the stuff that no one wants to talk about.)
  • My soul was peaceful.

For these reasons, and for the way I can’t take my mind off this particular person, I wonder was it more than I what I made it out to be? I never kissed this person in over a year, but we spent so much time together. It made being alone feel whole.

The difference between missing my ex and this person is a world of difference. I missed my ex but in a way that I missed my life. I was starting fresh again and everything I knew about him, and myself, was gone with one swoop of the tablet. I didn’t flash back to a time **cue in the soap opera music** and get nostalgic over anything. With this other person, I think of so many different episodes in our time together and I giggle a lot. I am deeply feeling the stillness and silence of my life as it moves on. I miss it.

Was it love? I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe it was after all…..or maybe it just was a treasured friendship. I’ll never know but I appreciate the thoughts it is bringing to me.

Learning Experiences

The meaning of love, I believe, is different for everyone. I know that eventually I will find my own meaning of love.

Last night, I was with a friend and they told me about a couple who was fighting and the person wanted a place to crash. I sighed, shook my head and told him that I don’t want to see myself in that type of relationship. My marriage wasn’t wrought with arguments and threats of leaving, but I had enough drama in the aftermath to last me the rest of my life. I explained that I wanted a relationship that was peaceful and quiet for the most part, but filled with excitement, passion and happiness. Two people looking forward, accepting each other’s flaws and supporting one another’s personal life adventure.

He said, “So, that’s why you stick with the friends with benefits relationships?”

I responded, “No, I love spending time with you. You just kicked my ass in crib four times AND made me watch the end of the baseball game. I like being with you.”

But, is it romantic love? No, it’s not. It didn’t feel like home, and my mind was wishing I was elsewhere, while being completely content right where I was at that moment. Sometimes, home is hard to find and if you’re lucky enough to find it, speak up and tear down that wall. Easier said than done! I think most of us can express anything that brings us fear, but fear and rejection is a far more scarier beast when revealing our soul’s thoughts.

I’ll keep growing and learning as I move ahead in life. It makes me so excited that I have the ability to move forward and feel again. For now, I should probably go to bed.

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