This week has been tough. I am approaching the end of the semester and the demands are greater. Our first year GPA is dependant on the success of second year. Second year photography is apparently more demanding than this year. Which made me suddenly think…..do I need the dean of Photography to testify in court that I need the time to be successful? Well, it looks like that fiasco is almost over with and I will never have to print out 500 pages again.
I’m so relieved and I can’t wait for this whole marriage thing to be over. I’m so happy I’m at a point of my life where my heart lifted with happiness to know that it’s almost done.
Last year, I would have gotten on the phone and said “Why? Why? Why?” This year, I know I’m better than his meaning of love, and that I need to forge ahead to live my best life. I’m proud of myself for knowing what’s good for me and what’s not.
I Still Have A Lot to Learn
I am working so hard at progress. I’ve changed a lot. I’m far more stubborn. I’m quick to anger. I’m quick to judge my actions. I’m quick to forgive myself. My therapist is off sick for eight weeks and that sends me into a tizzy. But I know for certain that I will survive.
I said goodbye to my recent fun guy. I am caught in between emotions it seems. I talk about one person, while I’m having fun with another. I want more, and I’m in too much of a rush for more without realizing I need to step back and ask “Who do you love and do you even understand love yet?” This person does not want more and his revelations were so concise. It woke me up! It made me realize so much about myself.
I talked to my friend the next day. I said, “We’re both a little fucked up when it comes to relationships.”
Her response was “Why can’t you be fucked up together and figure it out? I love the fact that you guys are together.”
I shook my head and said “No. I want someone to walk beside me; not behind or ahead of me. Accept me for all that I am right now. I don’t think he can handle the person I’ve become. I say it like it is. Some people can’t handle that. If you can’t walk beside one another, you can’t support each other.”
I do love myself and I don’t want someone who doesn’t love themselves as much as I love myself and my progress. I want to love someone who understands love. I want someone who will say “Hey, that girl gave her all to me. Do I want to give my all to her or not?” That’s an intuitive trait in all of us and I ask, why expect anything less than someone who truly wants you, will fight for you, and will lose their past for you?
In the end, I chose friendship over one or two nights of fun. Our friendship is well over 13 years and it’s more important than my inconsistent emotions and break downs. All of my emotions has nothing to do with him. Seems I’m in a hurry to get life rolling again without putting any thought whether I’m in love or not, or whether I’m well where I am while I’m in school.
I just want to get back to living and possibly have a walkability score of 90 like my ex has now. That’s living. I am forty eight and living with my parents. My main goal is living my age. I worked hard to provide before, solve problems, help build a career for someone who didn’t appreciate it, and raise kids. I’m sure though, my slow pace will take me to places he will never dream of. Once I was done, I planned….intricately…I’m going to succeed.
Live and Let Die
There are people who live this life in misery. I’m actually incredibly lonely but I fill my space well. I’ve made some amazing friends at School. I have one new friend from Abu Dhabi who wants me to come over and meet his wife and family. People do love me and I love myself. I’m a constant thinker though….why do they love me.
Today in class, I showed my photos of me taking photos at the filming of the Handmaids Tale. This ninteen-year-old guy said, Trina is our hard core thrill seeker. He’s a cutie and he helps me with all the new-age Microsoft stuff. I like feeling that I’m younger than my age and being accepted by all age groups. It means I’m approachable. It scared the shit out of me at first, but college works for me. I’m loving it so much and I’m learning tons about me!
All I can say is that with all the lessons I have learned, since November 2018, I’m so happy I’m not in a relationship where I feel alone most of the time. I’m happy that I have the freedom to be me. I don’t sit at night and wait to call someone to say Good night with a random visit once a week. I understand what love is and what control is.
Love is no judgement and no restrictions. Random visits whether it’s for a meal or just a kiss.
With being single, I’m happy I can choose who I want to hang around with and for how long. As long as they want to be with me, I’m good. I know when I’m not wanted….after rejection, your spidey sense are on tap. If I’m not, I can choose to walk away too. I can choose who brightens my life.
Being married was wonderful. Mine was fake, but so many others are too from what I can see. It’s a blanket, I get it. It’s so hard to let go and allow yourself to be free, love yourself and truly allow yourself to be the person you are meant to be.
Once you realize how well you are without the toxicity, you fly. I am flying. I’m good…and then I’m bad….then I’m good again. Today was the day I feel I got my wings. I hope nothing throws a wrench in it. I’m fine…..I’ll still get through it all.
At times, it ain’t always the cowboy that rides away. It’s the lady who appreciates being wanted, cherished, and needed who does. What woman deserves any less than that?
That said, after two years, I still have a lot to learn. So ladies, don’t be desperate for that love of your life. I feel they will come to you as long as your heart is open. I’ve been busy. I’ve been in a hurry. I still have a lot of leavin left to do.