Suffice to say, 2020 started off strong for me. I started a photography program at Fanshawe College that completely saved my life. I give thanks to the professors and students who helped me through my journey of being a broken hearted separated woman as well as someone COMPLETELY out of their realm when it came to school.
When I look at my marks, I’m so damn proud of myself. I worked fucking hard. With every photography taken, this is where I put all of my negative and positive energy. My marks is what replaced me being a controlling mother, a “typical” wife, and an extremely angry woman who was so badly scarred by someone they once loved.
Focus Your Energy After Separation on YOU!
I’m so happy I didn’t put all of my energy into a man. I put time into a couple of dudes and I’ve come to realize that 40-something dudes are dudes. There is one that I miss so much. So much more than I ever missed my ex. It’s crazy stupid and that’s why I have a therapist! As I’ve said last post, he brought me out of the rubble my 30-year old facade of a marriage and I think that’s a key component of me missing him. Another reason why I’m struggling is that I stand behind the decision 100%. It just sucks but it is what it is.
There’s only one song that best describes my relationship with that person and this is it. Keep in mind, I wouldn’t ditch the others who have stood beside me for years too! My gal pals are the best!
Enough about dudes because my distance with him has helped me focus on me too! I discovered that the best thing I’ve done is to strive for excellence on myself without being too hard. I’ve had a few good battles about my marks, but they won. I saw the flaws once explained and I let my ego go.
I have moved forward and made decisions of what I wouldn’t tolerate ever again. I was on the phone with my daughter today and I point blank said “You do what you need to do for the holidays. Your brother can too. You have shown me the past two years that you are on your own. I fought that like the plague and I woke up. You’re right! You do YOU! But, you have to realize that I’m going to do what I NEED to do and I’m going to do me and what’s best for me.”
Talk about Freedom Forty!!
Let Your Past Go
I’m pretty sure my separation agreement is done. I think it’s sitting at the courthouse for a signature. I’m over the moon happy. Once upon a time someone said “Trina, you’re too good for me.” It took me a copious amount of whiskey glasses, returning back to school, a global pandemic, and thousands in therapy to say “Yes!!! Yes I am!”
I am going to assume that divorce papers will be on the way, which I’m totally ok with. I’m sure that the advice giver will be saying to divorce to get me off benefits…..benefits that I would appreciate for the continued therapy. I’m ok with that too! I’m a survivor. How many times in my life have I said “Don’t worry, I’ll handled it.” I just never handled myself every well before my separation.
I’ve been the better person all along, even though I was accused of not being….but I’ve done and learned some pretty stellar things. I’m proud of who I am!
- I’ve helped women get their financials together. I’d help any man too who was betrayed. I’m not a lawyer, but I will not help a cheater who destroys so many lives, traditions and love. They can fend for themselves as far as I’m concern.
- I’ve helped women get through it when they receive their first, second, and third lawyer emails. I remember that time. You feel that you just can’t do it. There is still remnants of love and hope that their ex-spouse will wake up and “be kind”…..they won’t and I reinforce that. It’s done.
- I’m toe to toe with FRO. I’ll call daily for answers. I don’t want to see one child deprived because of loopholes. Especially those by corporate companies who will allow the payor to invest money, gain interest and receive a corporate match while they are in arrears. The next three weeks off, this is my mission. I intend to write to my MPP and Superior Court with an open letter and then get a petition going. There are too many women/men far worse off than me and too many children suffering. Learning about the system drives me to do better for others. It’s part of who I have been all of my life. I was just fighting the wrong battles for the wrong people.
- Through my blog, I’ve made many friends who are also brokenhearted. They were there for me and I for them. It’s been wonderful and cathartic in so many ways.
- I learned you won’t die of a broken heart. It’s the worst feeling imaginable but you won’t if you don’t allow it to. I hope to help women/men within that process. I was told many things and they were just not right.
- My photography is always a message. It’s a compilation of my end game. What is my end game? I have no clue. I just keep living…breathing…meet new people….laugh…..love…and be the person I’ve always been, but better!
Although I may be the devil to some, I’m so proud of myself for telling my story, helping others, and showing love when people feel like they are the most unloved soul.
I’d also like to help couples work together during a divorce. I know that my intention was 100% transparency, until it wasn’t reciprocated. I had to go through hours of questioning, which I answered honestly. It was expensive, gruelling and humiliating even though I had nothing to feel humiliated about. I’ve always been an honest person and I will continue to be.
I’m finding that most situations like mine are exact I don’t know whether narcissism kicks in or people forget the damage caused, but it’s worth looking into at the very least. I know with my lawyer, she was like can’t you reach out? I would respond “not anymore”. You get tired, defeated, sad, and absolutely done with any type of communication. This is where the manipulation and games begin. I think the more honest you are during the process, the better the results. I can hold my head up high and say I’ve been 100% transparent. I never brought my kids into the fold (I’ve done my share of damage though otherwise which I’m working on). I never cried the blues during the process to gain pity. I just kept my focus on one thing.
Me. For anyone reading this, please feel free to reach out to me because that’s where your focus should be too. Listen to this song…..and breath.