I have to say that I’m done with COVID. Hell, everyone is. I love to take photography that kind of matches my mood and this one describes my current mood perfectly. Oh a bridge! Yes, but it’s blocked. It also has trees blocking the path. As well, it just looks impossible and scary to walk on as well. It’s metal, so it’s bound to be slippery and dangerous. So I’ll sit right here and wait. Wait for another opportunity, another leap of faith, or another day with COVID on the World’s minds.
I miss random spontaneous nights out on the town. Seeing people without masks on. Endless laughs and good food with friends. Country music festivals with thousands of people and my friends. Oh, to be normal again. Realistically, this shit is bananas and there has to be a light soon.
Dealing with Loneliness and Staying Vigilant
I think single people, like myself, are absolutely crazy to go out and meet someone new during this time. It’s selfish and it just keeps the chaos going. That said, I’ve spent many many a night alone. I do have someone in my “ten”, but the craziness of it all is that I’m evolving. The relationship is very clear and it’s not going anywhere, so while I was supposed to go there Monday, I still haven’t made it there yet. I’m actually good alone. I’m good alone until that right person shows up in my life where I authentically want to spend more time with them more than once a week. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow….maybe not. We’ll see how I feel.
I’ve spent a lot of my time going through old photos, and this week, I started back on my third semester of photography School. I feel like we’ve been also stripped of the experience of studio work and I’m very afraid that we may miss important components of photography in order to start our own business.
I’m taking Women in History and Marketing. I believe I have my marketing plan already developed in my mind. I explained to the prof that I’m looking at one of two ideas. Work for a corporate company in either Montreal or Toronto OR owning my own business where I could offer my services Canada wide. My business would be really different where I could offer marketing consultation, photography and retouching to implement the overall marketing goals. What to do remains to be seen, but I’m sure excited about this because I have no one to answer to but myself. That’s the really nice thing about being single.
Anxiety and COVID
I have found that my anxiety has escalated since November. I call it my COVID crazy nights. I’ll get all tucked into bed and think of one thing. I’ll see 1:00am, 2:00am and then 3:00am. There is nothing worse than having anxiety in the middle of the night when all you want is a successful day.
However, I’ve come to realize that all of my flashbacks and nuances really comes down to this.
I was thinking of my previous relationship and how I was so involved in that person’s personal growth. I was their cheerleader when no one else was. Most of the time, others were prone to settling and saying “Ah well, what can you do?”. We relocated to encourage that person to grow and be a success, rather than staying in a small town with no future for us or our children. I also told him timelessly how smart he was and how he can do anything. I have him hope while he did the work. Well, he got that success and we gave up everything to follow his goals. I’ll never regret it because that’s who I am as a person. He revealed an addiction, after much wavering, I gave up my fears and decided to stay with him to support him in that.
However, when I needed him to show up, he wasn’t there.
That makes me really sad to this day. But the sadness has shifted to self revelation. I wasted so much time supporting and cheering for the wrong person when I should have been supporting myself.
I also lost the joyful, funny, and spontaneous me that I miss so much. It’s due to the fact that I can no longer trust anyone to show up for me anymore. Actually, I’m still very mad about that. I’m sure my friends are too. I’m not the same. I will never be.
He never looked back and that’s actually a good thing.
I choose to never be in the same room with him again aside from a wedding or two. At that, WAYYYY across the room too as this family is irreparably broken. My relationship with my kids is entirely different and I understand and don’t blame them for making strong bonds with their partner’s family. I am different, hyper-vigilant when I’m around them, almost scared and I often run to be alone. That’s not the mother they knew.
With that, comes a fear that I will never trust anyone enough to be sure that they will show up for me when I need them the most. Therefore, I’m fearful to ever open my heart up enough to truly want someone that bad. I can literally picture myself, if and when that time comes. I’m almost certain I will run.
So, if a friend did me wrong, I’d never speak to them again, so it’s no different here.
Unsettled guys seem to be the right option right now. And with that, once a week only. I’m not going to give, give, give to anyone who doesn’t reciprocate. I’ll get what I need and head back to my cave.
This song represents my past two years so well. It’s from Morgan Wallen’s new album ‘Dangerous‘. All of the tears, all of the money, all of the whiskey, and hours hitting send and receive on my email waiting for an ah-ha moment…..wasted on you.
Ahh But There is Light!
While I continue to cope with my night anxiety, I’ve already started back on the weight loss regiment and I hope to start making my meals on video soon and sharing them again. My peeps online have been encouraging me to do this for the past two years too. I’m back but I feel that I’m back stronger. I’m down ten pounds and starting to make some pretty nifty dishes. I’m pumped about that and taking it very seriously. I don’t think that I would have started it had COVID not happen as it gave me alone time to figure out my wants and needs.
I am also on the Dean’s list at school which makes me so proud. I can honestly say that when I look back at the photos taken before to now, there definitely is an art form to this.
I feel like I’m a completely different person. A person with a plethora of regrets, but also stronger, wiser, and smarter about my future, my needs, and wants.
I’ve also started my book. It’s only the introduction but it’s going to be a compilation of my diary entries from my youth, some dialogue about my story and women, and my blog posts up until there’s an ending to this story. I truly feel that the ending is around the corner for me. What’s it going to be? I don’t know, but for a while I was certain it was death. Not anymore. I see light. I see hope. I see a lot of people standing beside me either boldly and silently and I appreciate that. If this book ever sees shelves, who knows. But it will pass the time as I await the grand reopening of the World.
I’m fixing myself and I’m really enjoying the time alone, albeit a little COVID nuts.
And of course, I await becoming a grandmother in February. It’s going to be wonderful being so close to them and helping out when needed. I know I’m going to be an amazing Grandmother no matter where I am in this World.
Life is crazy but good. Let’s be kind to one another because we don’t know how each person is handling this loneliness during COVID times. Call them. Check in. Someone out there in your life needs to talk about it.
I can honestly say that I’m COVID Crazy and I’m sure others are too. I pray that we can all weather the storm and that life will have some semblance of normal soon.
God Bless everyone!
