Life has been quite the battle mentally for myself since the death of my Mother. Her absence is felt daily and, even though our relationship was tumultuous at the best of times, she was still the wind beneath my wings.
Just recently, I decided to quit drinking. It’s not like it was a abrupt decision. I have been thinking about it for quite some time now. I talked to my therapist about it and my doctor about it. I think the straw that broke this camel’s back was my blood tests. My blood tests showed elevated liver enzymes and a ton of other things that I have to watch. Basically, take care of myself and things will get better medically.
I’d like to look at my abstinence from drinking as a one day at a time thing. I don’t need any pills to stop. I’m not craving as I am keeping myself busy with painting my Mother’s home. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and realizing that I am the most important person in my life. I need to take care of me so I can appreciate and take care of others.
I was watching Gina Livy’s live today and she mentioned how she cannot drink as its a coping mechanism that causes her body to get off track of her wellness goals. I feel very much the same in my position. It was a coping mechanism, but it was not actually serving my greater good mentally or physically. Coping is something one must do in their sober senses to heal and grow. If that makes any sense.
Sadly, sometimes you have to let things or people go while taking care of you. That saddens me a lot. I appreciate and love everyone who has touched my life that past four years. They mean the World to me.
I have one dear friend who I am missing a lot, but I have chosen that it’s not the right time for both of us. This person stuck by my parents as they were failing. This friend is an awesome individual with so much love to give. i will forever be indebted for his kindness to those I love.
It came to a point where my drinking and their drinking was a catastrophic recipe for disaster. I did ask that they join my abstinence from alcohol with me, but they declined. They asked that I accept them as they are and stick with them. Sadly, it was one of those relationships that resembled trauma bonding with negative coping mechanisms. I know it’s impossible to watch him drink while remaining sober. After all, I think that’s why we met in the first place; Our love of partying and drinking. It was a long standing lifestyle for him and a coping mechanism for me.
Maybe in time, after I feel confident that I can be around people who drink, we will reunite as friends. Right now, the distance for myself is mandatory. I certainly have nothing but huge respect, love and adoration for this individual. That said, I’m fifty and I cannot act like a sixteen year old anymore. My health matters; I matter.
I finally have come to terms why my ex-husband made the choices he made. I sadly watched his demise and that was his choice. I finally accept that everyone has the right to their own choices. If they choose you, if they choose their health, if they choose their happiness or if they choose addiction, well that’s the road that they WILL choose and you MUST respect that. It’s just that simple even though it can be a bitter pill to swallow. However, YOU must always choose YOU in life and that’s not being cold, bitter or harsh to anyone.
With my heart marked by scars of betrayal, I’ve learned the pains of resilience. Life, in all its bittersweet moments, persists. I wasn’t chosen twice now, but I move forward, undeterred. I’ve come to accept that in the grand scheme of living, I might be first in someone’s soul….someday. It could very well be my own, and strangely, that’s perfectly okay. In the quiet corners of self-discovery, I find solace, embracing the love that begins within.
